_____________________________________________________________________ MORE ON MOUNDSBAR My title is, despite its melisonance, not quite apt, since my previous note on this strange language, published in the journal _Quaestio_, was in error in almost every respect. Afterthought prompts the conclusion that this was due to my having obtained most of the data by telephone. In any event it turns out that the many vowel phones of Moundsbar can be wrestled down to seven vowel phonemes: an open central unrounded, written /a/, two close back rounded, two close front unrounded, and two central vowels, a higher and a lower, which can only be described as square. Examples follow: _mi_ 'one juju bean' _me_ 'he flies up' _su_ 'he flies down; two juju beans' _so_ 'so?' _sa_ 'mother (son or daughter speaking)' Especially important is the distinction among /o/, /0/, and /+/: _kpo_ 'pigs; linguists' _kp0_ 'he keeps pigs; he is an informant' _kp+_ 'he has much pudding' Apertures for these last three vowels are shown below: \ / \ / \ / O O O O O O ^ ^ ^ o 0 + (Though I am not a physical anthropologist it is hard to overlook the fact that younger Moundsbarians have no ears. This is due to the rather severe nature of topicalization; see my earlier article.) In addition to the seven vowel phonemes there is a nasal syllabic which I write as /N/. Its two principal allophones are shown below. \ / \ / O O O O ^ ^ N /\/ Examples: _dNk_ 'they (pl) walk' _tNk_ 'how many string-shaped avocado peelings?' My next note on Moundsbar will treat the (controversial) pulmonic ingressive uvular trill, or "voiced snore." If, that is, my funding holds out. - Metalleus _____________________________________________________________________ THE VOICED SNORE DEBUNKED* I promised, in my last note, now to discuss that feature which has made Moundsbar such a catchword among students of exotic languages (hod-carriers and sheet-metal workers being notably less concerned with it), the so-called "voiced snore." "So-called" I say, because it has turned out to be perhaps the rankest hoax to be put over on the scholarly community since Cognitive Spelling, or the smoking of oven-dried banana peelings in the late seventies. Let us face facts. There are, essentially, only two ways in which a pulmonic ingressive uvular (properly, velic) trill can possibly be voiced. For if the vocal cords are approximated during its production, they are doomed. Indeed, in December of last year, the Nepalese phonetician Ramawatar Dhati attempted it, and according to reports, swallowed his own larynx. Normal voicing, then, is definitely out. Forget it. Kiss it off. There remains either vibration of the lips during ingression, against which the laws of physics amass themselves in galloping herds, or a jaw-harp may be twanged against the upper incisors. Any other expedient would make breathing an accomplishment of the highest order, let alone anything we might call speech. Nonetheless, there you have it; and since the phoneme definitely exists in the language, though we do not know what it is, I propose that we symbolize it as /5/ (there is no need, you will recall, for numeral symbols in Moundsbar, the first twenty- five numeral words being taboo, so we may as well use them for something else). We will say that this phoneme has the *underlying* properties that a voiced snore would have, if there were any such sound; there are many precedents for this in Classical Phonology, and if this is not the best possible analysis, it definitely beats whatever is in second place. We (you and I) have now described the Moundsbar syllabics, including /N/, and the consonant /5/; the sound system up to now: i u m N kp e o s 0 + 5 a - Metalleus *The first token of "phonemes" in my previous note should have been "phones." _____________________________________________________________________ PARABLE OF THE TWO KINGDOMS Two kingdoms had been at war for thirty years, but the time came when the crown prince of one kingdom fell in love with the vizier's daughter of the other kingdom. Now these two had roughly the worldly sophistication of your average pair of iguanas, and they said, "Lo, we will teach our two kingdoms to speak the same language, and then they will understand each other and will be at peace." So they cast about for a suitable, neutral language and eventually decided upon Ethiopian, because most of its vowels were schwa, and they reasoned, not wholly lacking in prudence, that "Anyone who can't pronounce schwa can't pronounce anything." But while attending to schwa the crown prince and the vizier's daughter overlooked the inhibiting effect upon the average citizen of deponent verbs and object participles. In fact, when the people of the two kingdoms discovered that their new language had deponent verbs and object participles, they seized the unfortunate youths and shoved them off the edge of a cliff. Then they resumed their fighting. ANALYSIS: If the two kingdoms had learned the same language and understood each other, they probably would have fought even harder than they did. - Metalleus _____________________________________________________________________ TOPICALIZATION IN MOUNDSBAR* *In this note topicalization will mean the simple designation of what the speaker is talking about. To those enemies of clarity who object to this, I say, Poo. As is well-known by now, modern Moundsbar, cursed with perhaps the most rigid word-order known to us, not only disdains movement rules, but actively pursues them with an eye to their destruction. As a result, shouting, accompanied by a tensing of the facial muscles, is the most common means of foregrounding a constituent in this language, bolstered on certain occasions by the severer device of grasping the intended hearer by the ears and lifting slightly. This second strategy is rarely needed other than in speaking to children, however, since adult Moundsbarians have acquired the ability to watch each other's lips carefully in order to distinguish the various vowels, and under these conditions it is hard to miss the facial tensing just mentioned. This of course raises the question of topicalization in the written language. At earlier stages of both the spoken and the written language, a constituent could be moved to the extreme left, slamming it into a major juncture and giving rise to various particles. This is still possible in the more archaic written styles; however very few Moundsbarians can read and write today, probably in part a result of their having acquired the cathode-ray tube before they had completely mastered agriculture. Those few who are literate usually do not read aloud, in fear of losing their lives by appearing to move constituents. Constituents are backgrounded, or removed as it were from the spotlight, by deleting them. This may include entire predicates, resulting in sentences which convey no new information whatever, other than underlyingly. This is either good or bad, depending on one's linguistic theory; the Moundsbarians themselves do not have linguistic theory and thus it is not surprising that they have not been heard to express a viewpoint on the matter. One of my older informants suspended his ritual insults long enough to opine that in general there *is* no new information. Make of this what you will. Being double-parked at the moment, I am unable here to go into the question of the origin of the Moundsbarian fear of movement rules. Comparative evidence would be of help, and despite the vehement protests of the peoples involved, there are a number of languages in the area related to Moundsbar, several of which appear to have movement rules. When I understand all this, I will let you know. - Metalleus [I have received inquiries about further notes by my colleague Metalleus on the Moundsbar language; unfortunately in the late 20th century there is almost nothing too absurd to be taken seriously, and fear that there may be even more misunderstandings than I have been made aware of forbids the issuance of more of the Moundsbar research results, at least until I can figure out how to prevent the stuff from showing up as footnotes in _Linguistic Inquiry_. -KM] _____________________________________________________________________ THE INFORMANT It was Scott's first field experience, so his professor was with him to assure nervousness. The informant, who had one massive eyebrow extending all the way across his forehead, glared at them across the table. Scott pressed the record button and surveyed his Swadesh list. "All right, Mr. Pematesit, how do you say 'one'?" The informant raised his eyebrow. "'One'?" The professor frowned as Scott carefully transcribed "w^n" and added, in parentheses, "rising intonation." "Ah, wait a minute, Scott." Then to the informant: "Yes, Mr. Pematesit, how do you say 'one'?" The informant stared. "One," he slowly replied, with a look of incredulity. Scott inserted "or falling" between "rising" and "intonation." The professor closed his eyes momentarily, as professors will do sometimes. "In your _language_, Mr. Pematesit; how do you say 'one' in your language?" "In Basilewe? Oh." Mr. Pematesit looked somewhat more cooperative. After a moment: "One what?" "Aha," cried Scott, beginning to write. "No, no -- I think we need to put the number words in a frame. Pick a noun from the list." "Oh, right. Okay, how do you say 'one man'?" This the informant pondered for some time. Finally he said, "That doesn't make any sense." Scott and the professor looked at each other. "Unless you mean a prisoner. That's _bakje_. Prisoner. You win him, like." "Mr. Pematesit," murmured the professor, sensing the situation slipping out of control, "can you count for us, slowly, from one to ten?" Scott readied his pencil, grimly. "One," began their antagonist, opening his eyes widely and extending his thumb. "Two..." "Stop," ordered the professor, seizing Scott's hand in mid-caret. "Professor," said Scott, "I hate to ask this..." "Go ahead, my boy. Do you see what we are learning so far?" He laid a consoling hand on his student's shoulder. "Yes!" replied Scott, excitedly. "The Basilewes borrowed their numbers from the British." "No," said the professor firmly. "We are learning that intelligence is inequitably distributed across members of all cultures equally. Now then, Mr. Pematesit: can you count for us, in your language, from one to ten?" "Yes," responded the informant, now smiling broadly. Several moments passed. Scott poised his pencil. The professor stared at the table. After about thirty more seconds there was a soft click, followed by a papery whirring sound. "Your tape ran out," observed the informant, helpfully. - Metalleus _____________________________________________________________________ HOW TO MAKE A LINGUISTIC THEORY* *This manuscript was found in an empty xerox-paper box at Harvard University. Within the history of linguistic science we believe it dates from the early medieval period, but we do not really care much. Assemble a judicious amount of grammar, preferably English grammar since you're aiming at readers of English. (If you feel there might be a market for linguistic theories written in Cebuano, by all means, give it your best shot.) Be sure to include passive constructions, accusative-with-infinitive constructions, and constructions with front-shifting. Leave everything else to future research (don't worry, you'll never have to actually do it). Set up two levels of linguistic representation; call them Level 1 and Level 2, or even better, Level Alpha and Level Beta. This is to divide your explicanda into two conceptual domains so you can let one explain the other. Leave these levels and all constructs supporting them undefined; these will be your Theoretical Primes. Define everything else, however, not only as rigorously as possible but using as many symbols from the predicate calculus as you can understand. Be sure to leave undefined the notion "mu." Now make "mu" a unit at both undefined levels. For each "mu" use ordinary English spelling, but in upper case letters on one level, and in lower case letters on the other. Use abbreviations with upper case; for example ERG, PRO, +ITAL for "ergative," "pronominal," "borrowed from Italian." From this point on you need a graphics expert. Draw guitar strings (don't call them that, of course) from units on one level to units on the other level. Count and classify the various arrangements of strings you need for the amount of grammar you began with; then pronounce all other logically possible arrangements of strings forbidden by Universal Constraints. Give each constraint a handy name, such as "The Adjustable Bridge Constraint," "The Open-String Pull-Off Constraint." Always capitalize and use "the" with constraints. At this point it will be proper, though not absolutely necessary, to bung in a bit of data from other languages. Since ultimately theories like yours can be constructed only by trained linguists who speak natively the languages they are examining, frankly, the Second Coming will be upon us well before you'll really have to think seriously about other languages. Besides, you have this neat argument: Premiss 1: If my theory won't account for English, then it won't account for all languages. Premiss 2: My theory won't account for English. Conclusion: Bingo. With regard to marketing your theory, this is a cinch because of the way the academic world works. Your theory won't work, even for English, right? That's a foregone conclusion. But for twenty or thirty years, other people will make such a good living patching it up that they'll praise you as a genius even while they're bashing the daylights out of you, since without you, where would they be? Make occasional references to Kuhn. - Metalleus _____________________________________________________________________ MOUNDSBAR CONNECTIONS On the isle of Dolop, off the coast of Gwap, lies the tiny community of Pif. However, we know nothing about it. Turning to Moundsbar, there are at least three languages related to it, Aro, Sorno and Koro. Aro is spoken by a few hundred souls in an enclave in the "Fan" district of Richmond, Virginia; Sorno has been extinct since the third century but was spoken on Guam and Saipan in the last years of the Roman Empire, though you would never know it from Roman history; no speakers of Koro have been located but a Koro language must be hypothesized to account for certain telegrams received through the years by the Moundsbarians which they were unable to read. Moundsbar /kp/ corresponds to /p/ in Aro, /k/ in Sorno, and /h/ in Koro. As we know, anything can become /h/, and /h/ can become nothing; thus *h becomes nothing in Aro, /s/ after a glottal stop in Koro (or maybe the other way around), and /5/ everywhere in Moundsbar. Moundsbar /N/ surfaces as /m/ after another consonant except /p/ in Koro, either /n/ or /m/ in Aro other than before a non-nasal consonant where it becomes mere prenasalization, except in a stressed syllable, and a ticket to Pasadena in Sorno. As for vowels, they are poorly understood. Since Aro has a movement rule, we set it up for the proto- language. It is easier for three languages to lose the same thing, than for a single language to acquire a marked feature at the expense of a family universal. Naturally the Sorno evidence has special importance, since it is the oldest attested member of the family. However, everything we know about it comes from Higgins, who believed that Sorno was the language of the Voynich manuscript; Higgins also believed that the Apostle Paul reached Guam, so there are limits to what you can do with Higgins. This is all I know about the genetic relationships of Moundsbar to date. Needless to say, the Moundsbarians will have none of it, insisting that their language was given to them by Hercules as a punishment for making clothing out of two different kinds of yarn. In these seas of ignorance, science splashes on. - Metalleus _____________________________________________________________________ MOUNDSBAR MULTILINGUALISM The recent scarcity of reports on the linguistic _rara avis_ Moundsbar will, I am sure, be understood by all upon perusal of the present communique; indeed I have placed myself, as the reader will see, in certain bodily danger in order to update the matter. The existence of the curious phoneme /5/, once erroneously termed a "voiced snore," and of the square vowels in particular, persuaded recent researchers that their uniformitarian assumptions, triumphant as they had been thus far in our noble discipline, must be suspended in the case of Moundsbar. Their idea was, essentially, that the Moundsbarian speech apparatus must be different from that commonly encountered. This idea was at first greeted with derision by the scholarly community, but once assurance was given that no one was saying the Moundsbarians were inferior, merely that they were different, opposition waned. Desiring to show themselves second to none in the celebration of diversity, Higgins and his students obtained several grants, and eventually spent one of them on the problem. In spite of their suspicions they were not wholly prepared for what they found. It turns out that all Moundsbarians are multilingual. That is, they actually have several tongues, each equipped with partially separate musculature, and so amazingly dexterous (if that is the correct word) that an individual is able to lift a single garbanzo bean out of a bowl without a spoon, to say nothing of the fact that, in the case of the square vowels, the first formant is actually above the second formant. Individuals differ as to which tongue predominates; this is now known as "tonguedness" and has some relationship, as yet undetermined, to regional specialization in the brain. There is a tendency toward prognathism and very high cheekbones; even so, a Moundsbarian is very likely, especially when speaking rapidly, to accidentally bite one of his tongues, which is probably the cause of their rather mean disposition and the popular, heretofore bewildering saying, "Sharpness of tooth yieldeth wisdom." Several issues are raised here for universals, both linguistic and, one might say, lingual. For one thing, inhalation is phonemic, which accounts for the "voiced snore." (Yes, I mean exactly that; you cannot predict when a Moundsbarian is going to inhale, and when one does, a token of /5/ occurs. Linguists must simply gird up their loins and deal with it.) The question of whether we are confronting a new species here I concur with Higgins in leaving up to the exobiologists. They have had entirely too much time on their hands, in my opinion. In any event: it is clearly the multilingualism, that is the polyglossia, that produces a great deal of fleshy tissue in the velic and pharyngeal area causing strident ingression of air. Thorough anatomical studies are being planned; these will of course require more funding, and also a bit of luck. A disgruntled former student of Higgins maliciously spread the rumor that autopsy was to be the preferred stratagem, and now the people tend to scatter when a linguist approaches them, and there has been a certain amount of sniping in the towns. Higgins and I in fact barely escaped from our last visit, and we lost Higgins's laptop. We bide our time. - Metalleus _____________________________________________________________________ THE SORNO SCRIPT As is glaringly obvious to the merest twit, a human utterance, objectively and dispassionately considered, consists chiefly of a series of vowels, interrupted occasionally by heterogeneous and evanescent perturbations of formant patterns, called consonants. Nothing could be clearer, than that speech is essentially a matter of vowels. It might even be said that a consonant is nothing but a gleam in the eye of a vowel. Nonetheless, certain ancient peoples, innocent as the driven snow of the above fact, converged with one mind upon systems of writing in which only consonants were, for the most part, written. This perversity was so widely imitated, that all ancient writing systems, with the exception of the inscrutable Chinese, at one time or another fell into the error of taking that unit of sound which is as varied as the proverbial snowflake, and scarcely more lasting, to be the very building block of speech. All, that is, but one. As the reader may schon already have surmised, I refer to the original writing system of Sorno, the Moundsbar relative spoken in late Roman times on Guam and Saipan, and researched extensively, as I have mentioned before, by my colleague Higgins. In this script, only vowels were represented; this constituted a very significant advancement, in anticipating the sound spectrogram by some two thousand years, and in representing a great step forward in economy to boot. With regard to economy, we know well that a typical language has fewer, usually considerably fewer, vowels than consonants, and especially, if you don't count the long vowels separately. Sorno, like modern Moundsbar, had seven vowels, and its consonants numbered about fifteen. The need to learn only seven symbols, rather than fifteen, in order to represent any utterance, is obviously to be preferred. One should not be misled by the "silent" vowels of certain modern languages such as English. Few indeed could make out the message: o auae ae oe ooa a oe. But compare the same message in Spanish, which is not known for its silent letters: a aoia e o iioa iee a ooae e oae. It is thus astonishing that consonant writing is praised for its efficiency. Unfortunately the Sorno script was rather short-lived (lasting according to Higgins only a few months) before being abruptly replaced by a system of pictographs. My own suspicion is that some natural cataclysm accounts for its sudden disappearance, while Higgins seeks a cognitive explanation. The Sornos wrote by carving the vowels into solid rock with entrenching tools, so what data there is is in quite good condition. We also know that the vowel symbols were called "animals." Why, is a mystery. I would gladly provide a specimen of the script, but for the limitations of the medium. We are in the process of wearing down the usual resistance of the scholarly journals to our findings, and some texts should appear shortly. - Metalleus _____________________________________________________________________ MOUNDSBAR CONSONANTISM To the sound system of Moundsbar as established previously must now be added the familiar /p t k/, withheld from us up until just this last week by our informants, whose odd sense of humor we must simply live with: p t k i u m N kp e o s 0 + 5 a The stops are never noticeably aspirated but speakers' eyes appear to take on a certain glint during their production, as if they had it in mind. The labial nasal /m/ is dull and uninteresting. The voiced quality of the pulmonic ingressive velic trill, which the speakers produce upon inhalation, is as we have said before, merely underlying and not to be taken seriously. /N/ is syllabic, with flared nostrils and a general chimpanzee-like demeanor. The previously established "doubly"-articulated stop /kp/ is now known, in the light of Moundsbar multilingualism (the speakers actually have several tongues), to have a lot more going on than we thought. The same may be said for the square vowels /0 +/. It has proven very difficult to study these sounds, since the usual X-ray cinematography produces things that look like Cleveland at night. The speakers have so far resisted our having recourse to surgery and so further work stands in abeyance. Clearly the most interesting systemic aspect of Moundsbar consonantism is phonemic inhalation. This controversial claim has been fairly well received, the opposition being limited for all practical purposes to editors, publishers and reviewers. We state once again that our logic is beyond reproach: /5/ is not phonetically similar to any other sound of Moundsbar (or, for the record, of any other language). Indeed, it is not even in the same ball park, as it were, with any of them. There is therefore nothing it could be an allophone of, and its occurrence is not predictable. Its phonemic status thus follows as the night the day. Be it noted that the fact of phonemic exhalation, to wit, the /h/ liberally sprinkled amongst the world's languages, has normally been established by the same reasoning. As for contrast, both /h/, in those languages in which it is a phoneme, and /5/, contrast with whatever you please, including your Aunt Minnie, depending on the phonotactics of the language. It surely will not be objected, that inhalation is restricted to the latter boundaries of breath groups. To offer such a patently circular piece of nonsense in order to render /5/ predictable would surely meet with universal hoots and catcalls. Other matters: following a square vowel, /k/ is square. Velars, as is well-known, tend to be weak; Moundsbar /k/ has also little compunction about becoming rounded preceding a rounded vowel. *Between* rounded vowels, however, /k/ is not rounded; and *between* square vowels /k/ is not square. One might expect some degree of velar integrity given these latter two facts; yet when between a rounded vowel and a square vowel /k/ apparently is unable to make up its mind and alternates with zero. (To those phonemicists of the late Pleistocene who still object to alternation with zero, we say, as we have said before, Poo.) The sibilant /s/, run-of-the mill in most respects, is voiced between vowels whenever the temperature falls below about 10 degrees C. There was a time when such a rule would have called for a certain amount of hullabaloo, possibly even talk show appearances; but now that we know more about the language, not to mention the people, it hardly seems worth crowing about. - Metalleus _____________________________________________________________________ THE PHONOLOGY CLASS Prof. Higgins and his sauntering band of disciples filed out of Mudd Hall in a merry mood. To say the class was feeling chipper would be a considerable understatement. For today's phonology class was to be held on the lawn, in celebration of the first sunny day of Spring. Higgins took up a standing position midway under the shade of the redbud tree while the dozen or so students circled round and assumed sidesaddle or squatting positions on the fresh green grass, notebooks at the ready. Beaming, he started his lecture. "Today I'd like to say a little more about duplication in phonological description." So saying the professor turned around, faced the north side of the administration building a few hundred yards in the distance, blinked and frowned. "But there's no blackboard." "No chalk, either," volunteered Mavis, supportively glancing around the lawn. "Yes, well." Higgins was silent for a few moments. * * * How brief a time is often sufficient to apprehend long and serious things! Higgins stared at his students, the surrounding expanse of grass, the redbud tree. Now he saw where he had made his error, his great error. But as we all know, the truth cannot be taught. "Consider the following forms," he began. The students, I suppose we are entitled to believe, did their best to comply. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked. ANALYSIS: A hunt on a krayd iz oys fonolog. - Metalleus _____________________________________________________________________ MOUNDSBAR NUMERALS As mentioned in earlier work, the first twenty-five numeral words of Moundsbar are taboo. Oddly, although these words are not used, everyone seems to know what they are, except, unfortunately, us. The fact that words similar to them in sound are also avoided explains one heck of a lot of the problems we have had working on this language. There is, as one might have known, a compensatory, somewhat massive, system of number marking on the noun, from dual to vigintiquinqual: /mi/ 'juju bean' /su/ 'two juju beans' ... /pa/ 'twenty-five juju beans' While Moundsbar morphemes are often quite short (e.g., /-p-/ 'old toothless tentmaker'), nonetheless the above examples do not analyze. Despite the ample morphological resources made available to the world's languages by the human mind's rich stock of universal categories and parameter settings, Moundsbar, with nearly unfathomable perversity, has chosen suppletion as its chief means of number marking, with the result that well over 65% of the nominal vocabulary of the language is unfamiliar to the average speaker. Since Moundsbarians have as much need to count as anyone, and more now that they are experimenting with off-track betting as a strategy for economic development, there are several standard evasive manoeuvers that everyone accepts, such as indicating body parts, carrying about a supply of pebbles, or carrying about a supply of body parts. Some individuals make up their own words, but then of course no one understands them. Many people have asked us how the numeral words might have become taboo. The original Moundsbarian religion, Mism, practiced by the primitive Mists, posited two opposing cosmic forces, Even and Odd, and held that by the end of the world, Even would win. We think the Misthood became convinced that if counting had to begin at twenty-six, the evens would be way ahead, encouraging, one might say, the eschaton. Of course the Moundsbarians have some damn fool explanation of their own and say they never heard of Mism. We do not anticipate a lexicon in the near future. - Metalleus _____________________________________________________________________ THE DERIVATION OF MOSES FROM MIDDLETOWN I have just been informed that during this last month one Silas O'Toole, a dedicated abstractionist known apparently to his linguistic colleagues as "Rules" O'Toole, in a paper delivered to the Linguistic Circle of Wyoming, proposed deriving Middletown from Moses with "only eighteen ordered processes." I will not dignify these "rules" by repeating them here; O'Toole obviously takes us for a bunch of low-watt bulbs. Who, blown by what ghastly winds of theory, is going to believe, outside of Wyoming at any rate, that from five segments you can get eight? Forms do not attract matter to them like black holes in the course of their derivations; rather they lose matter, like shrinking stars. I have therefore proceeded to invert O'Toole's analysis and derive instead Moses from Middletown; there are two possibilities. (To be sure, the first alternative leaves the issue of accretion vs. loss somewhat moot.) I. A naive solution. //midltawn// -idltawn Deletion m -oziz Insertion moziz This solution definitely has the advantage of simplicity, but the rules seem somewhat ad hoc. The second solution posits rules which are or will be well-motivated either (a) now or (b) later: II. A sophisticated solution. //midltawn// d-Assimilation milltawn l-Deletion miltawn l-Deletion schon wieder mal mitawn Spirantization misawn Voizing mizawn Monoflippinphthongization mizon Vowel Harmono mozon Syncope mozn Anglo-Frisian Brightening <:-> n-Assimilation mozz Epenthesis moziz - Metalleus