resolutions: An eNewsletter from FASAP, Work/Life Resource Center and Mediation Services

October 18, 2006

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Letting Go of Anger – Learning Forgiveness 
Tom Waldecker, Director, Faculty and Staff Assistance Program 

At times some of us feel like our anger or frustrations with a person or situation starts to become overwhelming. In order to address these feelings and move forward with helping ourselves we have to clear out the old and let go of things that are ruling us from the past.  Often, we refuse to forgive and refuse to let go of anger and resentments because of a need to be right. Many of us hang onto our hurt and angry feelings far too long because we believe that if we forgive and let go, the other person(s) wins or will hurt us again. In reality though it does not feel good to stay angry, and it does not feel good to hold on to the hurts, so we end up losing as well.

The act of forgiveness needs to start with forgiving yourself first.  At times some of us get frustrated with ourselves and “beat ourselves up” when we believe we ate too much or did not exercise enough.  Our thoughts say that being mad at ourselves will make the situation better the next time, because we will “learn a lesson” from this behavior.  But in reality the opposite occurs.  What actually happens is that we end up reinforcing a negative self image that makes if even more difficult to stick to our original goals and plans for improvement.

Going forward, strive to be positive with yourself when you have done something you believe you should not have.  At first this may feel awkward because we are used to the negative messages we have sent and reinforced to ourselves, but over time, you will see and experience better results.  Instead of saying “I lost my temper at someone again”, acknowledge what happened by stating “I got angry. Yelling or acting on that anger is taking me further away from my goals. I choose to be emotionally more positive and take care of myself”.

Positive self-talk can be a big help, and benefit every aspect of one’s life.

Remember the following quote when your feelings of anger have been triggered and forgiveness is a healthy option.

“It is not “forgive and forget” as if nothing wrong ever had happened, but “forgive and go forward”, building on the mistakes of the past and the energy generated by reconciliation to create a new future.” Writes Carolyn Osiek from “Beyond Anger”.

If you would like to explore or learn some healthy ways to let go of some resentments that “may be running you” and learn some positive steps to improve your emotional health or take some steps to practice forgiveness, consider calling FASAP to speak with one of the professional counseling staff. 
Contact FASAP at 936-8660 or email fasap@umich.edu .  

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REMINDER: FASAP Satellite Office on Central Campus is now closed

The Dennison Office located on Church Street between North and South University has been closed.

To schedule an appointment to see a counselor at FASAP’s main office on the corner of Hoover and Greene Street please call 936-8660 or email fasap@umich.edu.

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Work/Life Issues – It’s not just about balance.
Valerie Palazzolo, Work/Life Resource Center   
                   
Work/life balance is on the minds of many working people.  Whether you are raising children, furthering your education, pursuing a hobby, or taking care of an elderly relative, balance is something that we strive to achieve.  Sometimes the issue isn’t so much the balancing of these things, rather the ability to reduce the amount of conflict among them that is key.

According to Greenhaus and Beutell (1985), work/family conflict comes in three forms: time based, strain based, and behavior based.  You’ve probably experienced one or more of these types of work/family conflict at one time or another.

Time based conflict occurs when there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done.  For example,

Joe is pursing a degree in business to enhance his potential for advancement at work, and for his personal satisfaction.  He has an exam tonight that he was going to study for after work, but now he has to work late.  Since he’s been feeling so stressed, he’d like to fit in some exercise after the exam, but the lawn needs to be mowed.

Strain based conflict occurs when the worries of one area of your life spill into another.  It is not unusual to be preoccupied with the obligations of work while you’re at home, and vice versa.  For example,

Sarah has missed some work lately due to her mother’s move from a home to an assisted living facility.  Now that she’s back to work she finds herself constantly worrying about her mom, and is unable to concentrate on her work.  When she is with her mom, she finds herself thinking about the work that has gone undone, and cannot give her mom her full attention. 

Role behavior conflict occurs when your interactions at work are inconsistent with your interactions at home.  For example,

Barbara is the manager of a large department at the medical center.  She is extremely busy and prides herself on her efficiency and subsequently high customer service scores.  In order to maintain this level of service, Barbara is very directive and strictly professional in her communications with her staff.  At home, as the mother of 3 young children, she sometimes finds it difficult to slow down and soften up for her kids.

These scenarios may sound familiar to you.  Keep in mind that you likely won’t be able to eliminate work/family conflict, but you can reduce it.  Here are some tips:

  • Prioritize:  Learn some time management strategies.
  • Outsource:  Order out dinner once a week; hire a neighborhood kid to cut your lawn; take advantage of the resources available through the Work/Life Resource Center.
  • Ask for help:  Split household tasks with a partner, roommate or spouse; share childcare responsibilities with other parents.
  • Evaluate your current situation:  Can you negotiate a flexible schedule at work?; Can you take a semester off of school?

Keep in mind that the issues of work/life balance or work/life conflict ebb and flow.  Recognize that, even if this is a difficult time, it’s likely to be time-limited.  Children grow up, degrees are completed, and elder care issues stabilize.

For more information on resources available to assist in reducing work/family conflict, please contact the Work/Life Resource Center at 936-8677.

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Eldercare Resources – New Feature!    

The Work/Life Resource Center offers an information and referral service for those with eldercare needs, locally and nationwide.  As part of this service, a feature with eldercare articles and local events will be included in Resolutions.

Caregiving for an elderly relative can be exhausting - emotionally, physically, and financially exhausting.  Follow the links below for supportive articles and information for caregivers.

Strength for Caring
http://www.strengthforcaring.com/manual/index.html

National Family Caregivers Association
http://www.nfcacares.org

University Eldercare Resources

The Work/Life Resource Center
Eldercare information and referral service available to all faculty, staff, and students.  Phone, email, or face-to-face consultations can be scheduled.
Call 936-8677

Turner Senior Resource Center
The Center has a wide variety of programs for seniors and caregivers.  Click here for more information http://www.med.umich.edu/geriatrics/tsrc/tsrc.pdf

Housing Bureau for Seniors
HBS has housing counselors available to assist with locating housing resources in Washtenaw County, and with resources to help your loved one stay in her home.
Click here for more information: http://www.med.umich.edu/seniors

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Jennie McAlpine - New Director of The Work/Life Resource Center

Jennie McAlpine, Director of Work/Life Resource Programs, will oversee the Work/Life Resource Center as well as multiple campus children's centers.

The leadership provided by Ms. McAlpine will allow us an opportunity to develop and create a full range of work/life coordinated programs and services that will better meet the University community needs.  Through the University’s Child Care Initiative, she will work to expand child care spaces on campus.

Ms. McAlpine has been working with children and families for over 25 years, beginning as an early childhood specialist at the John F. Kennedy Child Study Center at Vanderbilt University, as executive director of Cooperative Child Care in Nashville, and since 1990 as executive director of the Child Care Network for Washtenaw County.  She received her Bachelor of Arts degree from State College of Pennsylvania and her Master's in Developmental Psychology from Vanderbilt University.  She brings to the position a strong commitment to the well-being of children and families, an excellent working knowledge of public policy issues, and a strong interest in developing partnerships between the greater community and the education, research and service missions of the University of Michigan.

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This thing called “getting along:”Ruminations on a theme
Sally Johnson Director, Mediation Services and Building Great Places to Work

What a strange little phrase. You can “get along” by:

  • Growing older (“He’s getting along in years”)
  • Making good progress (“Looks like you’re getting along great in your new job.”)
  • Leaving (“We’d better be getting along now”)

But sometimes you just can’t “get along” with some irritating co-worker. Here are some thoughts about that:

“Plays nicely with others:”…it starts in preschool, and you even get graded on it. So how come it’s still an issue after we grow up and go to work? What is it about work?

Well, work is potentially insecure. Like Fagin, we:

“.. wonder who the boss‘ll be. [&] wonder if he’ll take to me.”
--“I think I better think it out again,” from Oliver, the musical

You know your performance is watched and judged. Consciously or subconsciously, you wonder if co-workers will like you, or whether you’ll be treated fairly. But at the same time, we as humans are programmed to seek connection and closeness.

Well, you ask, doesn’t that ENCOURAGE getting along?
Unfortunately, not for everyone. Many if not most of us form new work connections reasonably easily. But some of us

  • Are loners by nature, or
  • Feel very different, for instance in beliefs or education, from co-workers, or
  • For a myriad of other reasons, are uncomfortable in our work situations.

Under those circumstances, in order to find closeness or connection, we seek those with whom we’re comfortable. We may set ourselves apart, and become (oh, no!) a clique.

A clique is defined as “A close group of colleagues who share similar interests, whose behavior seems to exclude others.” The problem is not the clique – it’s the exclusion. It is usually unintentional – you’re just hanging out with people you like. But then, of course, you’re not hanging out with…well, you can take it from there. 

So what’s the harm? 
We’ve all been there. High school: insiders and outsiders. It’s as simple as that. But in a working organization, that dynamic is a sure drain on satisfaction AND productivity, as well as workplace harmony. So, says management expert Dave Ulrich, we need to “make everyone an insider.” (Dave, Professor of Business Management, UM Ross School of Business, has just been named this year’s most influential HR thinker! See http://www.bus.umich.edu/NewsRoom/ArticleDisplay.asp?news_id=8310 )

What can you do? 
First, figure out if you’re part of a clique.

Your group MIGHT be a clique, if:

  • You’re right in the middle of a juicy conversation when the subject of the conversation walks in and you have to shush each other up.
  • A few of you are on your way to lunch when you notice you-know-who walking in the same direction, so you change plans and go somewhere else.
  • Several of you gather behind a closed door to complain about someone else in the work group.

What should you do about it? 
Here’s a suggestion: share this article with your group, and talk over whether you may have left others feeling excluded. Then take Ulrich’s challenge: how could your group “make everyone an insider”?

Maybe you feel more as if you’re on the outside looking in. Remind yourself that MOST workplace friendships are open, harmless, and have no intention of excluding anyone. Maybe the seeming “in-group” doesn’t think it’s an “in-group” at all. Maybe they think you don’t want to be included. Try this: start joining the group for lunch. Or, take THIS challenge: use your own friendliness skills more often – smile, ask questions, listen, help out.

And a final word about cliques: A clique that deliberately excludes others is a form of workplace bullying. Please don’t be part of that.
Here are some other ideas for establishing and maintaining harmony in your workplace: In a staff meeting, discuss group goals for cohesiveness. That might include things like - 

  • Share information openly
  • Back each other up – speak positively about the team to people outside the team
  • Extinguish gossip
  • “Make everyone an insider”
  • Open doors help – imagine, there’s actually something positive about cubicles! –because those conversations behind closed doors always create curiosity – and often, suspicion. 

And that leads to the next topic: venting! 
Maybe the only reason you closed the door was so that you could vent – not a bad thing! We all get ticked off, and when we do, a friendly ear always helps. Getting what irks you off your chest CAN be a very positive way to calm yourself down, so you’re able to think objectively. But venting to a co-worker is risky. Its how gossip often starts. So, here are some responsible ways to vent:

  • Choose your vent-ee EXTREMELY carefully: someone who’s thoughtful, who will listen, give you a reality check, and then forget you ever said anything.
  • Or, even better, only vent to a counselor, or someone outside the workplace.
  • Be wary of too-loyal friends or family members who react by joining in with your anger and encouraging you to “get even.” 

If someone else is venting to you, here are some responsible ways to handle that: 

  • Hear them out, but then offer a reality check.
  • Suggest taking time to let it rest – “don’t say something you’re going to regret.”
  • Remind them of something good about the person they’re upset with.

Most of all, DON’T decide to take it further. Don’t decide you’ll do something about the situation, or tell anyone else. Remember that you are hearing “words spoken in the heat of anger,” not objective fact. And remember that the point of venting is to allow the vent-er to calm down and handle the situation themselves. 

These are good ideas for any organization….but UM isn’t just any organization. We are a public, multicultural, world class University – the leaders and the best. We have an unusual responsibility to be inclusive, and to make everyone an insider.

Be a leader.
Be the best.

For more in-depth help in talking with your colleagues about this – consider attending April’s workshop, next scheduled for May 23 (see description at  http://www.umich.edu/~hrd/programsandcourses/teamdevelopment.html#4 )

Sally Johnson at "Great Places to Work" and "Mediation Services" can help make a healthy workplace – for advice call 734-615-4789.

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Banishing Burnout – Re-Engaging with Your Job

The Faculty and Staff Assistance Program (FASAP) is offering a six-week educational and support group for faculty and staff who may be experiencing burnout in their jobs.  This interactive group will explore causes and dynamics of job burnout, including both personal and organizational aspects.  Participants will identify their own signs of job burnout and develop coping strategies to reduce and prevent its personal impact.  Additionally, members will be encouraged to practice and discuss these methods of coping.  Participants’ level of burnout will be assessed both at the onset and conclusion of the group.  Sessions are at no charge to faculty and staff.  Information shared in the group will be strictly confidential.

Class size is limited so those interested are encouraged to register promptly.  To register for the next support group please contact FASAP’s program assistant Tina Weymouth at 936-8660.

Dates: Call for next scheduled date
Location: FASAP Office, 2076 Administrative Services Building, 1009 Greene Road
Time: noon-1:15 p.m.

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FASAP AND THE WORK/LIFE RESOURCE CENTER WANT TO SPREAD THE WORD

A representative of FASAP and the WLRC can come to your department or staff meeting and make a short (10 to 20 minute) presentation on the range of services that are offered by the two programs. 

To arrange a presentation please call 936-8660 and speak to a program representative.

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resolutions is published in January, May and September of every year. To obtain additional information regarding our services contact FASAP, Mediation Services or Work/Life Resource Center at (734) 936-8660.

Hospital employees may contact the Employee Assistance Program (EAP)
at 763-5409 for counseling service.