Special Circumstances
Loss
of a Significant Relationship
Loss
of a meaningful and intimate relationship through divorce or separation
is a common occurrence in today's world. Despite its statistical prevalence,
however, relationship loss constitutes a period of significant emotional
hardship, resulting in depression, anxiety and grief.
Committing
oneself to a relationship entails creating and accepting a shared vision
of the future, a new set of roles and relationships, a new economic unit,
and a new social identity. Dissolution of the relationship, therefore,
entails multiple losses for both parties. Dreams are shattered, personal
and social roles are transformed, economic security is threa tened or
even destroyed, life styles are radically altered, mutual friends and
even family are lost, and self-image is damaged. Generally speaking, the
longer the duration of the relationship, the more complex its dissolution
and the more significant the losses.
Associated
with such losses are many complex emotions typical of grief reactions
anger, sadness, guilt, remorse, inadequacy, depression. Complicating such
emotions are the peculiarities of the divorce or separation process itself.
If the couple has minor children or has acquired property, an extended
or adversarial legal process may intensify and prolong painful emotions.
Additionally, unlike most other losses, in divorce and separation, most
frequently the lost loved one does not disappear. Rather, former partners
must struggle to form new relationships that ensure ongoing contact with
and responsibility for children as well as provide financial support for
children and former partners. Forging and maintaining such relationships
with former loved ones who have been the cause of an ger, disappointment,
and pain can prolong and heighten the grief process.
In relationship
losses which involve children, a parent may experience grief not only
for his or her own losses, but also for the emotional and practical losses
experienced by others. Believing that they could or should have behaved
differently, and thereby preserved the relationship, partners may blame
themselves for the sadness and losses experienced by children and close
extended family. Such feelings and beliefs may be exacerbated and become
even more difficult to manage when children and family, experiencing their
own grief, direct their anger and denial at one or both of the separating
partners.
Because the
family relationship has such extensive meaning in an individual's life,
disruption of that relationship is almost certain to have ramifications
for the workplace. Typically, when individuals are involved in relationship
dissolution, supervisors and colleagues are faced with having to deal
with symptoms of anxiety, depression, displaced anger, and loss of focus
- in short, their grief.
return to top
Suicide
Suicide is the eighth-ranking cause of death in the United States. Although
this suggests that death by suicide is not an infrequent occurrence, the
particular circumstances and dynamics of suicide pose special challenges
to understanding loss and experiencing grief.
Typically people experience immense shock and disbelief when learning
of a suicide. This may lead them to ask over long periods of time "why"
this happened, if it could have been prevented, and what they might have
done to make things different (more attention, more caring, less life
stress). Such questions are often accompanied by feelings of guilt as
family and friends tell themselves they should have recognized the signs,
taken warnings more seriously, or otherwise altered their behavior. Feelings
of inadequacy may also trouble those close to a suicide victim. Believing
that they somehow let down the individual, or interpreting the suicide
as a deliberate rejection, friends and family often feel that had they
been more aware, caring and capable, the suicide would not have occurred.
Feelings
of guilt and inadequacy will be heightened in some circumstances. Frequently,
relationships between the deceased and others have been troubled for a
considerable time before the suicide occurs. The more troubled the relationship,
the greater may be the feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Additionally,
it is not uncommon for individuals not close to the victim to seek to
explain the death by "blaming" someone close to the victim,
usually the family. Accepting, or even anticipating such beliefs further
exacerbates feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
Often, because
the death frequently occurs at home, family members find the body. In
such cases, they might repeatedly relive that experience in their thoughts
during the day, or through nightmares. Such experiences may result in
increased distraction, anxiety, fears of one's sanity, and physical and
emotional exhaustion.
Anger is
another common reaction for those close to the suicide victim. Feeling
themselves to have been emotionally rejected, made the objects of blame
or speculation, or left to handle the emotional and practical difficulties
of a sudden and difficult-to-explain death, those close to the victim
might experience more anger than would be expected with any other sort
of death.
Social beliefs
about suicide also increase the difficulties in resolving grief. Because
suicide, for the most part, is considered a societal taboo, family and
friends frequently wonder who and what they should tell about the cause
of death. Feeling shamed or wanting to keep things private, they might
be untruthful or vague in describing the cause of death. Feeling that
the experience is not acceptable to talk about, they suffer alone, and
grief is prolonged.
return to top
Downsizing
and Reorganzations
Death and illness are not the only circumstances
that can result in feelings of loss. Many times, significant life or work
changes contain elements of loss that can be very powerful as well. Specific
to the workplace, events such as downsizing, reduction-in-force, mergers
and even promotions can result in some grief-like symptoms.
Those who survive and those who fall victim to such organizational events
will enter into a process wherein certain aspects of their lives will
be altered. There are obvious interpersonal, social, and financial adjustments
for individuals who will be removed from the organization. For those who
remain, changes in supervision and reporting lines, loss of co-workers,
additional or redesigned work, and uncertainty of their role and value
are not uncommon and can all accentuate the sense of loss. Individuals
in either group have experienced changes that will push them into transitions.
In most cases, at least at the outset, individuals will feel that the
change "happened to them," that it was in no way their choosing
or under their control. Reactions will be subjective and particular to
each individual. They may respond based on previous work or personal experiences
and their own history of other losses. One common ground is that most
people's reactions to the workplace event will be more about the losses
associated with it than about the change itself.
Though each person brings his or her own personal history and each will
focus on their subjective sense of the personal impact of the event, individuals
are likely to find themselves having similar feelings about their losses,
including: sadness, betrayal, anxiety, fear, mistrust, guilt, anger, depression,
and loss of confidence. Some may develop physical symptoms such as headaches,
sleep loss, fatigue, appetite changes, restlessness, or poor concentration.
Interests and activities previously enjoyed may wane. Significant others,
spouses, partners, family, or colleagues may find the individual withdrawn,
irritable, and seemingly "not him/herself." Any one of these
might be manageable for most people, but a cluster of loss symptoms can
be more difficult to address. An added dilemma is that at the very time
the individual is compelled to be sharp, focused and self-motivation.
return to top
