January 27 , 2005

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Contribution Theory – a Conflict Resolution Tool
by Sally Johnson Mediation Services

A key to resolving disagreements with others, the “contribution” theory was introduced most helpfully in the 1999 book, Difficult Conversations. It’s an important way to prepare for a difficult conversation.

Skeptical Reader: What, to settle an argument, I should donate to the other person’s favorite cause?

Well, no. In a nutshell, contribution theory is the skill of recognizing your own role in the disagreement.

Skeptical Reader: Uh-huh. Heard this before. When I was 6. From Mom. “Takes two to tango.” Oh, please.

That’s a little closer. Moms aren’t always wrong. But let’s change the context to you as an adult, in 2005.

Situation: picture yourself irritated right up to the eyeballs with a colleague in another department who won’t even return your phone calls, causing you to be unable to finish your work. Before you decide to call that guy’s boss to complain, we’re suggesting you should stop and think what you may have done – or not done – that could be part of this situation developing.

SR: Yeah, right. I see where you’re going with this. It’s all my fault because I get irritated over the phone, or because I didn’t leave my phone number, or something. But hey! No way! I’m sweetness and light and very professional on the phone. Sometimes the other guy really is wrong. I might not have “contributed” at all.

Good start. Sometimes the contribution really is obvious – like remembering that you might have chewed this person out in the past. But most of the time, it’s not so obvious. Here are a few possibilities:

  • Maybe this has happened many times before, and you never made a fuss, so the other person really doesn’t know it’s a problem.
  • Maybe there’s something going on in the other person’s life that you don’t know about – they’re sick, or they’re buried under a major project – and your only contribution is that you didn’t bother to find that out.
  • Maybe whatever you called them about landed on their very last nerve. Your contribution here hasn’t happened yet. But if you call them back, all irritated, BEFORE you figure out what’s wrong – well, you’re off to the races.
  • Maybe there is something you do that makes you hard to talk to, that you don’t realize.

SR: No way! Like I said, I’m all sweetness and light, and besides, aren’t we all supposed to tolerate each other’s differences?

Well, look at a couple of examples.

  • Take facial expressions. Do you frown when you’re concentrating? Did you know that can scare off some people?
  • Or what about the speed with which you speak? Is it so rapid-fire that people can’t follow you or ask questions?

We all have some ingrained mannerisms that we don’t even notice, but that others see clearly. Like the poet said,

My face? I don’t mind it
Because I’m behind it.
It’s the folks out in front that I jar.

Have you ever wondered how you might be jarring people?

Besides, I’m not saying that it’s usually about you. It’s usually about what’s going on for the other person.

SR: And I’m supposed to read their mind.

Nope. Something much easier. Just ask. Here’s a recommended formula:

You say: “I’m concerned because you (don’t return my phone calls.) Can you let me know – is there some problem I should know about?”

Then you listen.

SR: And poof! All is friendship and harmony.

No. But, 99 times out of 100, you’ll hear something you didn’t realize. And if you are willing to let that stand at face value, representing where that other person’s coming from, you are more than halfway to resolving the problem.

 

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BROWN BAGS by Mediation Services

Mediation Services provides "Brown Bag" educational presentations for work-groups or teams interested in learning more about conflict management. The one-hour presentations, currently free of charge, are available to any faculty/staff group or unit upon request. They are provided at your site and are frequently scheduled for a lunch hour or as a staff development session.

To schedule one of our Brown Bags, please call 734-615-4789.

Classes offered this year:

Handling Confrontation & Conflict

Understanding Conflict 101

Becoming a Conflict-Savvy Team

The Faculty and Staff Assistance Program (FASAP) and the Work/Life Resources Center (WLRC) are also offering "Brown Bag" educational presentations for the academic year. The 45-minute presentations, offered free of charge, are available to any faculty/staff group or unit upon request.

Visit their websites for more information.
FASAP: http://www.umich.edu/~fasap/health/brownbag.htm
WLRC: http://www.umich.edu/~hraa/worklife/education.htm

 

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GAINGING CONTROL
by Tom Waldecker FASAP

Many of us have particular behaviors that “make” us feel better; that’s that pick us up when we start feeling down. At times these “behaviors” can help us cope with pain, anger, stress and boredom.

However, there is a critical turning point when the behavior is no longer healthy, when it becomes and addiction and starts to control us and affect our thinking process. These behaviors persist because they mask our feelings and make us feel “good” or at least better. Later when we are stressed we can begin to depend on them for immediate gratification, and to maintain our false sense of well-being.

Many of us think of addictions as dependencies on alcohol or other drugs. Though those addictions are often the most destructive, there are many other things we can become addicted to such as: caffeine, sugar, television, computer games, exercise, medications, gambling, internet surfing and many others.

The following are some Signs of an addictive behavior:

  • An inability to stop a behavior and a loss of control once we start it
  • An uncontrollable craving
  • Continuing the behavior despite it’s negative consequences

An addiction takes s control when we no longer act out of choice, but out of compulsion. Bingeing “on the behavior” can be one symptom of a loss of control in many addictive behaviors.

In issues not related to the addiction we tend to be passive and show no or little interest, where we may have before. Our activities and interests become centered or fixated on the new behavior/addiction.

Following are some questions that can help you recognize the warning signs of a problematic behavior or addiction.

  • Have your attempts to stop, control or cut down on the behavior failed?
  • Are your thoughts preoccupied with this behavior?
  • Do others keep telling you that you have changed in a significant way?
  • Do you feel like you have lost control over your schedule or time
  • Do you continue the behavior compulsively despite the negative effects it has on your well being (either physically or psychologically), relationships, family and work?
  • Do you think you have a problem?

It is common to deny the problem exists or to deny that the addictive behavior is causing problems. One tries to regain the earlier “good” feeling that the behavior activity produced even though it may be being destructive. We have lost control over it.

Addictive behaviors give us temporary relieve over our stresses; they may help us feel “better” and we may feel in control for the time being. But the fact is the addiction is really controlling us. Addictive behaviors are quick fixes. They mask our emotions so we don’t feel anything, but they can inevitably cause many more problems.

To overcome an addictive behavior one must regain control of ones life. Most often sheer will power is not enough. Do not hesitate to seek professional counseling if you think you need to address a behavior that has become problematic or addictive. FASAP counselors are available by calling (734) 936-8660 or by emailing fasap@umich.edu .

Tom Waldecker can be reached at tomwal@umich.edu
Hospital employees call the Employee Assistance program at 763-5409.

 

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FASAP PLANS TO OFFER ANGER MANAGEMENT GROUP

FASAP plans to pilot an Anger Management Group for Plant, Trades and Housing. The group is expected to begin this coming spring. The purpose of the group is to help individuals learn more appropriate ways to manger their anger. It will focus on accountability and responsibility for ones behaviors. FASAP counselors will also focus on learning and maintaining improved social problem olving skills to be implemented into ones daily lives. Additionally topics will include: understanding anger response, anger triggers, payoffs and consequences.

The group will run for 8 weeks, with one hour sessions per week. If you are interested in participating but it is not being offered in your area please feel free to contact FASAP at 936-8660 or email fasap@umich.edu .

 

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Flexibility Pays Off, Long Hours Don’t
by Leslie DePietro, WLRC

In a study of over 300 companies, Work Life Balance International found that those that practiced workplace flexibility (flexible work arrangements) had fewer stress-related absences, lower turnover, and more motivated employees.

Two other important findings: long hours did not deliver commensurate increases in performance. Employees who reported working longer hours said they were not working smarter and were not more productive. Some forty percent of those interviewed said they spent more time at work because their presence was rewarded, but not their results. And companies who offered paid parental leave increased the rate of return after childbirth.

Finally, the UK supermarket chain Asda implemented a flexible work policy and saved 4 million pounds last year through reduced absenteeism.

 

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Get a Grip! Overcoming Stress and Thriving in the Workplace
by Leslie DePietro WLRC

 

Bob Losyk’s new book, Get a Grip! Overcoming Stress & Thriving in the Workplace quotes more than one dozen studies to prove his point that stress is a “silent and deadly killer” in the workplace. Once Connecticut workplace communications firm reported that one third of American workers say they’ve noticed and increase in anxiety or stress-related physical ailment s in their workplace; 27% report and increase in emotional problems (depression, insomnia, substance abuse, or family conflicts; 42% report an increase in complaints among co-workers in the last year, and 27% said morale is lower than it was a year ago.

Mercer HR Consulting reported earlier the year that 59% of 723 employers surveyed put stress and depression as one of the top three most costly health conditions, excluding maternity; over 70% identified stress and depression were increasing in cost and frequency.

 

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STAFF PROFILES
Janell Kilgore, FASAP

Janell Kilgore is a Master level Social Worker who received her undergraduate degree in Psychology from Michigan State University and her MSW from Wayne State University.  She has professional experience in working with families, teens, couples and sexual abuse issues. She worked 7 years as an EAP Consultant and trainer to Ford Motor Company, Deloitte & Touche, Young & Rubican, Stroh and other corporations. She has been with the Faculty and Staff Assistance Program at the University of Michigan for the past 5 years.

 

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Valerie Palazzolo, WLRC

 Valerie joined the Work/Life Resource Center team in September 2004. After several years as a medical social worker (MSW – UM, 1994) - working with issues of dementia care, hospice, chronic illness, and parenting - Valerie has recently begun a new career in human resources (MS in HR/Organizational Development – EMU, 2003). Her areas of interest are work/life, and training and development.

As the Work/Life Resource Specialist, her role is to assist faculty, staff, and students locate and access community resources for aging or dependent relatives; administer and market the emergency childcare program, Kids Kare at Home; develop resource materials such as the eldercare newsletter; and provide presentations to university employees on work/life issues.

With two small children of her own, ages 4 and 1, Valerie well understands and supports the need to balance work and home responsibilities. Originally from Grosse Ile, she and her husband have lived in Ann Arbor for 10 years. She enjoys movies, reading, travel, and, of course, spending time with her husband and children.

 

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FASAP AND THE WORK/LIFE RESOURCE CENTER WANT TO SPREAD THE WORD

A representative of FASAP and the WLRC can come to your department or staff meeting a make a short (10 to 20 minute) presentation on the range of services that are offered by the two programs. 

To arrange a presentation please call 936-8660 and speak to a program representative.

 

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resolutions is published in January, May and September of every year. To obtain additional information regarding our services contact FASAP/Mediation Services at (734) 936-8660.

Hospital employees may contact the M-Works EAP at 763-5409 for counseling service.