January 31, 2004
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SUPPORT GROUPS – Their value and how to find one
Talking with your aging relatives about difficult issues
Case Study: Mediation can change your situation and build alliances
SUPPORT GROUPS – Their value and how to find one
by Tom
Waldecker,
Faculty and Staff Assistance Program
When someone is need of some emotional support or ideas on how to address an issue in their life that they are facing one might want to consider attending a Self Help Group. Throughout Michigan and the United States participation in self-help groups has dramatically increased. Those who attend often share that they no longer feel alone struggling with an unsolvable problem. In addition, many report that they get support and affirmation by attending self-help meetings. Often gaining the insights of others who have dealt with a similar issue to ones own, can help one learn new coping skills and provide emotional support
Most self-help groups have their meetings listed in the local paper and many can be located by going to the web at www.mhweb.org or for a national listing go to www.mhselfhelp.org . Some of the issues that there are support groups for in southeast Michigan include (but are not limited to) bereavement (grief and loss), alcoholism (or other addictions), parenting difficulties, divorce or separation, cancer, eating disorders and many physical health issues.
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STRESSED
AND NEED MORE SLEEP?
by Tom Waldecker, Faculty and Staff Assistance Program
More and more studies are noting how many of us do not get enough sleep. As the incidence of stress rises in our lives we often neglect our need to obtain enough rest. Sleep deprivation decreases our ability to concentrate, our ability to deal with stressful situations or decisions, puts us at risk when driving and can interfere with many other facets of our lives. It is recommended by the National Sleep Foundation that the average adult obtain eight hours of sleep. Two thirds of us do not obtain that.
If you are having difficulty falling asleep, waking up frequently during the night or waking up earlier than you wish you may want to speak with your physician. In addition, if you are aware of what may be “keeping you awake thinking” you may want to consider speaking to a counselor at FASAP or access one available through your insurance. At times keeping a journal of when you feel sleepy, when you wake up and what you are thinking about when you are having difficulty falling asleep can be helpful in deciding a course of action.
Following
are some suggestions to assist you in obtaining enough sleep:
- Develop a relaxing routine prior to when you want to go to sleep and schedule it
- Keep a brief journal of what times of the day and in what situations you feel more tired to help you identify what to address
- Consider developing an exercise routine, keeping in mind that exercise can invigorate us so this should be scheduled early to mid day if possible
- Decrease your caffeine intake and/or change when you have it - it's important for most of us to avoid caffeine 6 to 8 hours prior to when we want to go to sleep
- Address stressful conversations or difficulties with someone before late evening - uncomfortable discussions can delay or inhibit our ability to fall asleep
- Try to schedule some down time (relaxing hobby) for yourself in the evening
If
you continue to have difficulty obtaining enough sleep please consider
contacting your physician and if there are emotional issues that are
bothering you consider the services of the Faculty and Staff Assistance
Program.
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Compassion
in the Workplace
by Leslie de Pietro, Work/Life Resource Center
Small acts of kindness and compassion in the workplace have long-term impact on co-workers, which in turn generates positive attitudes towards work and the workplace. Acts like giving gifts, providing emotional support, contributing extra sick time, and listening in a way that enables grieving co-workers to carry on with work; results in increased job satisfaction and reduced job stress. They also contribute to feelings of well-being and psychological safety, and influenced turnover intensions.
The
research, which analyzed 171 stories of compassion in a large community
hospital, was led by Jane Dutton (UM Business School) and colleagues from
Emory University and the University of British Columbia. "Compassion
helps people make sense of the world of work and understand positive
aspects of themselves," states Professor Dutton. "When people
experience compassion at work—whether they are on the receiving end, the
giving end, or simply observing it—these interpersonal interactions
serve as powerful cues about the work context."
Fernando
Caetano,
Mediation Services
Fernando Caetano is currently the Mediation Program Assistant for Mediation Services for Faculty and Staff at the University of Michigan, in Ann Arbor, MI. He is also a private practice Mediator and Arbitrator. His duties at the University of Michigan include mediation for faculty and staff, brown bag presentations, and coordination of both the Campus Conflict Resolution Network (CCRN) and the CCRN Newsletter.
As a private practice Mediator, he handles various types of disputes at the Neighborhood Reconciliation Center, in Detroit, Michigan, working in cases that range from commercial disputes to parent/child conflicts. He is also on the roster of neutrals for the following circuit courts in Michigan: Kent County (Grand Rapids), Genesee County (Flint), Jackson County (Jackson). As an Arbitrator, he is on the rosters of neutrals of both the American Arbitration Association and the Better Business Bureau.
Prior to joining the University of Michigan Mediation Services program, Fernando obtained a Master of Laws degree (LL.M.) at Wayne State University Law School, in Detroit, in 2001. Fernando began his career as an attorney in Brazil, in 1992. He practiced from 1992 to 1999, first as a family attorney, then as a union attorney, and after that as an in-house corporate counsel. In 1999, he moved to the U.S. to advance his legal education and redirect his career to conflict resolution. He holds a Law degree (LL.B.) from the Pontificia Universidade Catolica de Campinas, and specializations from the School of Economics at the Universidade Estadual de Campinas (Unicamp) in Corporate and Tax Law, International Relations and Corporate Law Regulation, Macroeconomics and Microeconomics, Financial Law and Contracts.
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Leslie de Pietro, Work/Life Resource Center
Leslie de Pietro, Coordinator of the Work/Life Resource Center at the U-M,
has been a tireless advocate for family issues and policies most of her
adult life. In addition to designing the child care referral
and eldercare programs for the Work/Life Resource Center, she started the
popular Kids Kare at Home program (back-up and sick child care) as part of
her work with the Campus Child Care Task Force. She also headed the
University Family and Medical Leave Task Force when the FMLA became law in
1993, and wrote a Federal grant to help students with children with the
high cost of child care. It was funded in 2002.
Leslie served as co-President of the national College and University Work/Family Association from 1993-1996. She also served on the Conference Board’s Work-Family Research and Advisory Panel and Governor Blanchard’s Commission on Early Childhood Education. Prior to joining the University, she worked as a policy analyst, consultant and trainer at the High/Scope Educational Research Foundation.
Leslie’s passion is traveling. She has lived and worked in Indonesia, India, Nigeria and Mexico. She also likes independent and foreign films, off-beat TV shows (Six Feet Under), blues and jazz, and chocolate! She has two grown sons, Rocco and Julio, and a Havenese puppy named “Lulu.”
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Talking
with your aging relatives about difficult issues
by Leslie de Pietro, Work/Life Resource Center
Imagine this scenario: you just got home from visiting your parents and you notice that there’s something wrong. You wonder if your parents could use extra help or perhaps should not be living alone. You begin to spin out all sorts of “worst-case scenarios” in your mind.
Talking about aging issues is not easy. But even more difficult is not addressing aging concerns and waiting for a crisis to erupt. The following suggestions may be helpful:
-
Begin the conversation on a positive note. “We want to discuss this with you because we care about you. It will help us know your wishes if the time should come where you are not able to make some major decisions for yourself.” That sends a strong message that your relative still has some degree of control, and will help to overcome initial resistance.
-
Hold a “family meeting” of your siblings, other family members, neighbors, doctors (or head nurse in the doctor’s office), religious leader (pastor, rabbi, or imam). Convene it at a neutral place (a restaurant, for example) or a teleconference if everyone is dispersed. A private web chat room might be another forum. You may wish to have a neutral party facilitate. (U of M’s Work/Life Resource Center can provide you with information about professionals all over the country who can help with this.)
Overcoming resistance from a loved one is difficult at best. Here are some more suggestions:
-
Check your “I know what’s best for you” attitude at the door. Instead, frame the conversation in ways that make your parents feel they are full partners in the decision-making, and that you are discussing these issues because you really care about their health, safety, etc.
-
Research and then review options with your relatives. They will be more likely to be receptive if there are choices offered. For example, when a person is not safe living alone, the first choice usually is not a nursing home. There are a variety of options, including having someone come in to the home 2 or 3 times a week, so your parents might not have to move. (Again, WLRC can help you with that.)
-
Sometimes relatives will accept help if they know it will reduce family burdens or worries. Saying “it will make me feel good to help you,” may work.
-
Be patient. Change will not come overnight. It may take several different attempts before you hit the right chord, but do not give up. Working with people your loved one respects may carry more weight than your advice.
-
Please feel free to call the Work/Life Resource Center for a private consultation or a group brown-bag for your department on this topic. 734-936-8677 or e-mail wlrc@umich.edu
--excerpted from NCOA newsletter, Vol. 10, No.4, 2003
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Case
Study: Mediation can change your situation and build alliances
by Mediation Services
Here’s another example, taken from real life at UM, of mediation at work:
Ben
and Prudence were members of the management team in a large research
center. Ben was the business manager, and had worked at the center
for 18 years. Prudence was a new IT specialist for the unit.
Ben
had developed and fine-tuned procedures to fit University business
processes and to fit the needs and cycles of the research center.
Prudence came from a private sector company, and was accustomed to very
different, very streamlined procedures. She found UM procedures
unbelievable, and didn’t hesitate to say so.
In
management team meetings, when the subject of operating procedures came
up, Prudence was apt to "get on a soap box" about how convoluted
and cumbersome UM’s procedures seemed. Other members of the
management team, more involved with research and with external concerns,
certainly didn’t disagree with her.
Ben
felt beaten up in these meetings. He perceived Prudence's comments
as personal attacks; no one seemed to defend him; he began to wonder if
the message was that he had outlived his usefulness and wasn't wanted any
more.
Ben
made an appointment at Mediation Services to discuss his concern. He
described his anger at being repeatedly "attacked" in team
meetings - and then thought out loud that he ought to resign and look for
work elsewhere - something he hadn't even admitted to himself. After some
discussion, the mediator asked if Ben would be willing to "sleep on
it" and call back the following week.
In
the following days, Ben thought over his years at the center and how
connected he felt to its research. He wasn't willing to just leave.
He called the mediator and asked for a “facilitated conversation” with
Prudence.
The mediator called Prudence to extend the request and explain the process. Prudence was startled by the request, but willing to try. The three met for part of one morning. Prudence was amazed and dismayed to hear that Ben felt attacked! Without being asked, she apologized. She had no negative feelings about Ben or his work; she’d just been sounding off. The air cleared quickly. In fact, Prudence immediately began to help identify some of the roadblocks in the procedures, and when they left she was working with Ben to plan training for herself and the rest of the management team in how use the business procedures.
Currently, Prudence is still frustrated by some University procedures, and Ben is still overworked, but Ben knows he is valued, and the two have well-working lines of communication. Neither one is planning to leave.
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