May 2006

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Getting Your Partner to Talk?  How?
Tom Waldecker, Director, Faculty and Staff Assistance Program 

Relationships often struggle with communication issues, and far too often with the lack of it.  Some of us have experienced seeing couples in restaurants sitting and dining and not talking except when the wait person comes to take their order.  They may have just received some bad news, or were just getting away from hustle and bustle of home or work responsibilities, but they may be just bored with each other or drifted apart. 

How might this happen in a loving relationship?  Sometimes couples have a traumatic experience that places a barrier between them. What may have started as “giving the other the silent treatment”, then rolls into a shut down. Often this is just a creeping process where each person gets in their own routine and they stop communicating with the other.

A lack of quality communication can also cause significant impairment.  When a couple begins talking only about surface issues, such as their daily routines and responsibilities and not their feelings, they often begin falling out of love, or losing the emotional bonds which had initially drawn them together.

So what are some options for couples when communication falters or stops?  Obviously the first step is to get each party to recognize there has been change and share that. Subsequently, begin the process of restoring open and meaningful communication.  Following are some specific steps that can be taken to get some emotional closeness and sharing back;

  • TALK and then talk more Too simple?  Yes, but start with sharing some feeling words with using the prefix “I feel…” and proceed from there.
  • Write out and then share some of the characteristics that attracted or bonded you to your partner when you met.
  • Take a Risk! Talk about an issue(s) that were difficult to discuss in the past.
  • Ask Clarifying Questions.  Be curious about how your partner felt about their encounters in the past week, not just what those encounters were.
  • Start with “Can we discuss and talk about…..”
  • Schedule a time to be uninterrupted and away from responsibilities. Agree to find a weekly time that is “protected” from other responsibilities and is an agreed time to discuss how to strengthen your relationship. PUT this on your calendars!

If the above starters don’t get you going, consider contacting a counselor at the Faculty and Staff Assistance Program (FASAP) to obtain some assistance with the communication process, or take advantage of the counseling resources available through your health plan. 

It does take some proactive steps to get couples who have stopped emotional communication back on track, but it can happen!

 

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FASAP to Offer “Managing Anger” Educational Groups

FASAP will be offering an additional eight week educational series on Managing Anger in the fall. Three series of classes were offered this past year, and there has been continued interest.  The purpose of each group is to help individuals learn more appropriate ways to manage anger. The focus is on accountability and responsibility for ones own behaviors.  FASAP counselors focus on learning and maintaining improved social problem solving skills to be implemented into ones daily life.  Additional topics addressed include: understanding the anger response, anger triggers, payoffs and consequences.

Each group runs for eight weeks with one hour sessions each week. If you are interested in participating call 936-8660 or email fasap@umich.edu to see when the series will be offered in the fall. 

 

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“Negativity in the Workplace” … what’s that about?
Sally Johnson Director, Mediation Services and Building Great Places to Work


Most UM workplaces are full of energy, pride, and creativity.  Even with the accelerating pace of work, for most of us, work is fulfilling – we care about what we do.  But if that’s true – why do people so often say they’re tired of the “negativity” where they work?  How does negativity creep in?

It’s an interesting fact that for many people, a negative conversation is easier to begin or to engage in then a positive one.   A few decades back, a psychiatrist by the name of Eric Berne wrote a book titled Games People Play.   In it, he examined the ways in which people relate to each other, and described interactions – “games” and “pastimes” – that are common among us because they are safe.  One of them, “Ain’t It Awful?,”  exists in many forms like “these days,” “some people,” or “kids today,”  where the “players” actually compete to top each other’s stories – “If you think THAT’S bad….”

And if you think you never play:  how much time does your family spend comfortably complaining about politics, society, prices, taxes, you name it?

It follows that this game carries over into the workplace, and becomes a common form of water-cooler conversation.  The problem is, to quote Professor David Cooperrider, “Words create worlds” – or to put it another way, the way we use language shapes the way we see reality.  As we good-naturedly bad-mouth aspects of work or the workplace, that negativity begins to become our reality.

There’s a corollary that compounds the effect:  cynicism always seems more sophisticated than “Pollyanna-ism.”  Who wants Little Mary Sunshine to rain all over their ain’t-it-awful parade?  Or Miss Goody-Two-Shoes to remind them, “If you can’t say anything nice…”  It’s not easy to resist the game once it starts, or to turn it around.

But there’s good news!  Positivity can also be catching, as is easy to hear in some workplaces.  If you admire someone:  tell someone else, and tell them why.  Watch how it plays out.  If you hear a person badmouthed, try a “yes, but” addition that points out something positive about that person.  If people are complaining about a situation, and you can offer a positive viewpoint about it – do it!

These are applications of Cooperrider’s idea, Appreciative Inquiry – and if you’d like to read further, check out one of the many websites about it, such as the Appreciative Inquiry Commons,  http://appreciativeinquiry.case.edu/  .

Try it.  You’ll like it.

For more information, see http://www.ericberne.com/Games_People_Play.htm

David L. Cooperrider, Ph.D. is Professor and Chair of the Department of Organizational Behavior, Weatherhead School of Management at Case Western Reserve University, and the principle author of the practice called “Appreciative Inquiry.”

Sally Johnson at "Great Places to Work" and "Mediation Services" can help make a healthy workplace – for advice call 734-615-4789.

 

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Change in the Work/Life Resource Center

leslie dpOn April 5, the long-time manager of the Work/Life Resource Center, Leslie de Pietro, retired.  Leslie was named coordinator of the Work/Life Resource Center when it was established in 1990. A strong advocate for faculty, staff, and students, Leslie leaves behind a long list of accomplishments including:

  • Sponsored first annual conference of National Campus Work/Family Network later to be named CUWFA (College and University Work/Family Association) at the University of Michigan.
  • Assisted in the development of the Kids Kare at Home (backup emergency child care) program.
  • Assisted in the launch of the Internet Child Care Referral Service.

The staff at the Work/Life Resource Center will continue to advocate for the enhancement and addition of resources designed to allow for work/life balance.

 

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Eldercare Resources – New Feature!

The Work/Life Resource Center offers an information and referral service for those with eldercare needs, locally and nationwide.  As part of this service, a feature with eldercare articles and local events will be included in Resolutions.

The Emotional Side of Aging

Depression is a common concern for caregivers and for their elderly loved ones.  Circumstances such as loss of independence, financial concerns, and chronic illness contribute to feelings of depression. 

Click here to learn more http://emotionalhealth.everydayhealth.com/ManagingArchive/Tips.asp?IsID=16302 .

If you suspect that an elderly loved one is depressed, or if the pressures of caregiving are becoming difficult for you, seek help. Two University of Michigan resources for counseling are the Faculty and Staff Assistance Program and Turner Geriatric Clinic.

Eldercare Resources

The Work/Life Resource Center
Eldercare information and referral service available to all faculty, staff, and students.  Phone, email, or face-to-face consultations can be scheduled.
Call 936-8677

Turner Senior Resource Center
The Center has a wide variety of programs for seniors and caregivers.  Click here for more information http://www.med.umich.edu/geriatrics/tsrc/tsrc.pdf

Housing Bureau for Seniors
Do you know a senior who has housing issues?  If so, take note of the University of Michigan’s Housing Bureau for Seniors.  For more information, click on http://www.med.umich.edu/seniors/images/SHAW2006Brochure.pdf

 

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FASAP AND THE WORK/LIFE RESOURCE CENTER WANT TO SPREAD THE WORD

A representative of FASAP and the WLRC can come to your department or staff meeting a make a short (10 to 20 minute) presentation on the range of services that are offered by the two programs. 

To arrange a presentation please call 936-8660 and speak to a program representative.

 

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resolutions is published in January, May and September of every year. To obtain additional information contact us at (734) 936-8660.

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