Some people have come across some kind of semi-divine vision and decided for us that it is a Good Idea that we have mandatory, universal University of Michigan provided health insurance. I don't exactly know why they think it is such a great idea and I know no one who believes it is a great idea, or even an idea worth considering seriously.
But what would happen if it was implemented? Hell, it probably will anyway. Imagine, if you will, the unveiling of....
M-Health!
JAN. 1, 1996: Regents enact M-Health with blessing of MSA and Vice President of Student Affairs. M-Health has been expanded to serve the entire University Community.
JAN 2, 1996: New M-Health cards issued to all students. Fun free T-shirt giveaways in Angell Hall by MSA (your funding dollars at work). Banner put up over Michigan Union, UHS, and over the University of Michigan Hospital Emergency Room Entrance: "M-HEALTH. FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!"
JAN 3, 1996: New ads placed in Michigan Daily and other publications starring "THEODORE M HEALTHMAN". Theodore is in a wheelchair and body cast, and holds his M-Health Card up with his cast-encased right arm to the sky. Teddy also has a glazed look, a permanent smile, drools, and looks as if he is going "EEEEEEEEE!" all the time, in a dull moan.
JAN 5, 1996: Students Rally in Diag to mobilize and form a mass movement to liberate the oppressed masses again.
JAN 7, 1996: University commissions a second bus from AATA so they can display the M-Health logo. An anonymous administration member is quoted as saying, "Uh, huh huh, cool! Hey, Beavis! We can rent a bus!"
JAN 8, 1996 First student uses M-Health after being injured in scuffle with DPS at anti-Health rally held inside Fleming Administration Building.
JAN 15, 1996 Approximately 28-35% of students have disenrolled from M-Health and have embarked on an attempt to recycle their M-Health cards. Unfortunately, studies have shown that M-Health cards will not naturally decompose and have to be subjected to a constant exposure of plutonium to make them useful for recycling.
JAN 16, 1996 Discarded M-Health cards stored in NUBS with low level radioactive waste in attempt to cause them to decompose.
JAN 23, 1996 Daily Poll shows that 87% of U-M students disapprove of the M-Health plan. An anonymous MSA representative was quoted as saying when shown the figures, "Well, we thought it was a good idea."
JAN 28, 1996, 8 AM The Old Man at the CRISP door is rehired to work at M-Health Claims and Adjustments.
JAN 28, 1996 8:02 AM The Old Man at the M-Health Claims and Adjustments Door demands for the first time that all students have their appointment slips, ID cards, M-Cards, M-Health cards, claim forms, relevant medical data, and to swear loyalty to the State, to enter the processing room.
FEBURARY 6, 1996 M-Health posts loss of $100,000 due to student disenrollment, massive hiring of administrative personnel to deal with the paperwork overflow, new carpeting for the office, and unnatural outbreak of a new influenza strain on campus, "Rotterdam Q".
FEBURARY 17, 1996 A batch of the Soya-Turkey Tetrazzini served at East Quad for lunch, is somehow infected with Legionnaire's Disease. Two days later, students begin to rush to the hospital after having strange symptoms of nausea, headache, dizziness, and an intense desire to listen to Barry Manilow records. M-Health takes a big financial loss.
FEBURARY 19, 1996 Car crash victim Dennis Witherspoon, 21, and LS&A Junior, suffereing two broken arms is refused compensation by M-Health due to his lack of having the mandatory documentation. After being forcibly sedated, Witherspoon was then found unable to register due to a hold credit put on him because "M-Health didn't cover that and the U had to pay it, so we're billing you for that $18,124."
FEBURARY 22, 1996 10:00 AM A rather sick Vice President of Student Affairs Maureen Hartford comes in to drop off her completed claim forms for a doctor's visit.
FEBURARY 22, 1996 10:01 AM Maureen Hartford does not have form AA/UM- 56852/MM13-THX1138 (Request for Form 22/UMAA-XCOVB, "Form to Request University Payment for Expenses Incurred During Treatment Of Non-fatal Illness Treated By Doctor Outside of Doctor's Circle 17C"), and is told to go home until she does fill out the form and "please stop bothering us, we don't care who you are and if you're sick, take some NyQuil."
FEBURARY 22, 1996 10:07 AM Person on campus calls head of M-Health about billing. His response. "Look, buddy, I don't care. Go away and leave me alone. If you don't like it, pay your own damn medical bills."
FEBURARY 27, 1996
After protests, a Health Workgroup is established to revamp M-Health with "more student input". Six graduate students are found who are summarily drafted to work on the proposal from the School of Social Work, holding meetings with little public notice and with an obvious disdain for student input, which tends to be very negative and angry.
FEBURARY 28, 1996 Head Accountant at M-Health goes crazy and attacks co- workers with an electric staple gun shouting, "We're insolvent! We're insolvent! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
MARCH 1, 1996 Actor portraying THEODORE M HEALTHMAN publicly apologizes to University Community, saying "If they gave you free tuition, wouldn't you do it too? I just didn't know!!!"
MARCH 3, 1996 New Michigan Daily "Angering you for close to 105 years" editoral refocuses on MSA Rep. Andrew WrightÕs monetary dealings.
MARCH 4, 1996 Notable Quotable in Daily: "Of course he didn't do it. Why in hell would someone give MSA $796 of their own money? And if he did, are they all that stupid? Can I get $796 too?" -- George Saunders, LS&A junior.
MARCH 7, 1996. MSA Budget Priorities Committee in memo to Saunders: "Yes, but you'll need to fill out this 78 page form if you are a student group or you represent one."
MARCH 11, 1996 M-Health Workgroup delivers a "Paper" and presentation to Vice President of Student Affairs consisting of all their hard work, sleepless nights, and dedication into making a better health system.
MARCH 12 , 1996 Vice President of Student Affairs tosses M-Health Workgroup Paper in wastebasket and ignores it completely.
MARCH 15, 1996 Suit filed in Ann Arbor Civil Court for the sum of $27 million for failure of M-Health to pay for therapy related to viewing the first half of "Strange Days". Suit filed because therapy was "necessary due to the emotionally traumatizing experience foisted on poor, naive, innocent, obviously pawns of the system unable to think independently."
MARCH 17, 1996 9:53 AM Suit filed against University by angry Alice Lloyd dormitory residents for bad cafeteria service. To quote: "But, like, it's so unfair. I mean, if the box says Apple Jacks, it's supposed to taste like apples. Duh."
MARCH 19, 1996 MSA Elections concluded. While opponents have brought up that the Michigan Party is responsible for M-Health, and successfully been able to prove that they were behind most everything wrong on campus in one way or another, the Michigan Party still wins, even though no one you know voted for them.
MARCH 20, 1996 Alpha Sigma Sigma Fraternity brought up under Code for spending MSA monies on "beer and stuff". A panel of students specially chosen for conviction decides that all members of the fraternity should be whipped six times with electric cattle prods.
MARCH 21, 1996 M-Health refuses to pay for Alpha Sigma Sigma burn treatments and motor skills therapy because "it would be a conflict of interest for the University to pay for the treatment of punishments it inflicted. You'd just be helping the perpetrators."
MARCH 26, 1996 M-Health reviews cafeteria food and begins implementation of the ÒM-Death: Corpse RemovalÓ service for residents with deceased roommates. Later that day, a cafeteria cook refers to the program as a "godsend".
"It's such a good thing that we can get 'Meals on Wheels' in our dormitories now." as she stirred a pot of "beef barbecue sandwich mix".
` APRIL 1, 1996 Ornery students arrange for an air drop of 100,000 J-Crew catalogs over Hill street.
APRIL 5, 1996 George Saunders receives check in mail for $796 from Michigan Student Assembly. Has a killer party and finds some old receipts to prove he spent the money on a Sony Entertainment System for the ÒU-M Monty Python Appreciation SocietyÓ.
APRIL 7, 1996 George Saunders receives check for $1,300. Has weekend fact- finding junket in Washington, D.C.
APRIL 12, 1996 Regents command University to make up new health code with student input after protest shuts down Fleming again. Students cheer this victory loudly.
MAY 3, 1996 The first day of Summer Vacation, and all the students are gone. The University now sneakily begins to reformulate M-Health to a new and improved program they are certain that no one will like, regardless of what anyone else says. Oh well, at least some things never change around here...