Finals are upon us, and I decided that I should give y'all a few pointers. Granted, this is like having Bob Packwood lecture on the finer points of gender equality, but just sit back and read it. So here it is, my Step-by-Step Guide to Preparing for Finals:
Step One: Gather your notes (you know, those pizza-stained pieces of paper with random blobs of ink smeared on them?) and arrange them in order.
Step Two: Look over the chapters in the textbook and those books you've been putting off since Halloween and meant to "catch up on over Thanksgiving."
Step Three: Carefully study your notes and chapters, being sure to note key information.
Step Four: Take out a sheet of paper and, using the information you have gathered, formulate a list of possible exam questions.
Step Five: Take the list and tear it into tiny bits, mix it in with some leftovers, and feed it to a pack of stray dogs. There is no way in hell that you can accurately predict exam questions, so don't bother. Just pray a lot and hope you have good B.S. skills, or, for multiple choice tests, use the ABBACADABBA method of selecting answers.
No matter how obvious the exam question choices should be, it always seems as though the professors receive their exam questions directly from the Central Command on Planet Zweedorn. For example, if you took a course entitled "Franklin D. Roosevelt's New Deal, and Its Effects on American Society During World War II," and all the professor ever droned on about was the New Deal and "how it affected society," you would expect exam questions something like this: "Explain how the New Deal affected politics and everyday life in American society during World War II."
However, for reasons known only to your professor this is not the kind of question that will appear on this hypothetical exam. The actual exam will look something more like this:
"Question 1 (20 Minutes)
"Over 100,000 [OR WHATEVER-ed.] people died during the Battle of the Bulge during World War II.
"(a) Name them.
"(b) How do you think the New Deal affected them? Explain, using specific examples for each person."
"Question 2 (20 Minutes)
"Using the current methods of spirit channeling, contact Franklin D. Roosevelt in the afterlife and ask him to explain his thoughts on the meaning of life. Write down as much as you can. In order to receive full credit, you must be able to supply the "code phrase" he provides you when you make contact." "Question 3 (20 Minutes)
"Translate Chapters 3, 4, and 5 of Franklin D. Roosevelt's biography into Norwegian from memory."
And so on for about five more questions... As you can see, you have your work cut out for you. If you start now, you may be able to learn everything that has ever been written about the subjects that your finals cover. Not that this will help you on your exam, but it might be interesting. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to contact Franklin D. Roosevelt for my final term paper project. MR