Anyhow, the big problem in this little budget battle is that the Democrats, led by President Weenie - uh, I mean Clinton - want to spend a lot more money on big socialist government programs, and don't want to deal with a pesky little thing called a balanced budget. Obviously we shouldn't hamper anybody by forcing them to not spend more money than they can possibly earn. The Republicans want to cut a lot of spending to big government programs, although House and Senate Republicans are at odds over the issue of how much cutting to do. The debate caused Congress to refuse to release funding for government programs, which Clinton claimed forced him to shut down the government and furlough nonessential personnel, with the exception of himself, of course, and postal workers, who really don't need any further reasons to cause disgruntlement and a postal massacre. This caused Clintons approval rating to soar (Hell, he finally shut the government down! We've been waiting for years for someone to do that!). It is likely his approval rating will plummet when he reopens the government, based on the fact that unofficial White House sources, who shall remain anonymous because they exist only within the confines of my imagination, indicate that Clinton cannot come up with a convincing reason why we can't just leave the damned government the hell closed.
I think the solution to this funding problem is simple. In a previous issue of the Review, I outlined my plans to replace the entire cabinet, should I become president, with a single department, the Department of Bob, headed by a large Rottweiler or other large, menacing dog. The Department of Bob would have full authority to make funding decisions, and all proposals for new funding would have to come through it. If the Department of Bob ever received a wasteful new funding project it disliked, it would growl in a menacing manner at the person who suggested it, and possibly even attack. I predict that this would have an effect of greatly reducing government spending. It would certainly be more difficult for a congressman to propose an increased spending bill with a Rottweiler attached to his leg. However brilliant the idea of the Department of Bob may be, there are other things we can do to reduce the budget. It would be easy to say that you should simply not pay your taxes (keeping the money out of the hands of Congress makes it difficult (yet not impossible) for them to spend it) if it weren't for the fact that armed federal agents with large attack dogs would haul you away to a lonely federal penitentiary for the rest of your mortal existence, if not longer. So well have to stick with the idea of cutting spending.
IDEA ONE: Arrange a lucrative merchandising deal with Nike. Hell, it worked for the U-M. They give a few hundred million dollars to the government and in return, Nike gets to slip in subtle advertisements and logos in key government facilities (Ladies and Gentlemen, the Speaker of the House, Air Newt). Besides, I don't think it would take that long for people to get used to the sight of the Nike Swoosh replacing the Great Seal of the United States, do you?
IDEA TWO: Rent out military vehicles for personal use. For a few hundred dollars, the average citizen would be able to obtain the use of this heavy equipment. Imagine how cool you'd be pulling up to that next formal engagement in an M1-A1 tank (Oh, I think I can park here, pal ).
IDEA THREE: Sell Jerry Lewis to the French. Hell, they like him a lot more than we do.
These are but a few ideas that can help with our money problems. It will take a lot of sacrifice, but I'm sure that we will eventually figure out the correct way to spend the extra money for our benefit. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go let the Department of Bob outside before it pees on the rug.