by Wink Kepple

In an independent commission headed and funded by the Democatic National Committee (DNC), President Bill Clinton accused his main rival, Senator Bob Dole, of running an illegal, nationwide heroin smuggling operation to make up for overspending to defeat rivals in the GOP primaries. Dole aids rejected this as "the stupidest thing we've ever heard," whereas Dole himself stated "Bob Dole doesn't need a fix. Bob Dole's a lover, not a fighter. Bob Dole's going to Fix America. Because Clinton, you, sir, are a liberal..." The microphone was then hastily pulled by Dole aides.

Unbiased citizens were aghast at the revelation. Glenda Saunders, a spokesperson from the National Inept Education Association (NIEA) responded, "It's no surprise that Dole would be selling heroin. He wants to cut education and cut student loans, cut, cut, cut while GIVING TAX BREAKS TO THE RICH." Cyndi Lucas, a spokesperson from the Federal Government Employees Union (FGEU), agreed. "Dole is cruel, and heartless, and evil, whereas Bill Clinton radiates with a pure and shining light." Other citizens held similar views. Victor "Vic the Fist" Corleone, President of Teamsters New York Local 666, said, "We made Clinton an offer he couldn't refuse. He owes us for `92." Corleone refused to comment further on the matter, saying "You betta get outta here before you get yourself whacked."

In order to gauge campuswide and nationwide conservative opinion, the Delay called Nicholas Kirk, President of the College Republicans. "The rich made this country great!" said Kirk, effusively, bubbling over with bitterness. Kirk then went on a rampage, continuing, "That commie bastard Clinton's behind everything! HE'S THE ONE WHO MADE CHALK SO EXPENSIVE! He'll say anything! The liberals'll say anything! THE LIBERALS! Clinton wants Americans to worship Hitler and work on collective farms while destroying capitalism! The rich make $110 a week. The poor only make $50! The poor and the middle class are human weeds! They must be DESTROYED! Enslaved, I TELL YOU! I only made one mistake! I paid the price! Can't a man live the rest of his life in peace, without being harassed by YOU PEOPLE!?! YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING! HA! HA! HAHAHAHA!"

In a pathetic attempt to influence campus opinion, the failed President of MSA, Fiona Rose responded that she and the assembly was committed to defending affirmative action, no matter what the cost. "If we have to raise the student fee to $100 per term, we'll save affirmative action. If we have to chain ourselves to the governor and go on a hunger strike for three months, we'll save affirmative action. We need people to vote Democratic, because Republicans are racist and don't want affirmative action. We need affirmative action." The few conservative representatives on the Assembly avoided the issue and refused to talk to this reporter. In a frantic search for extra comments, this reporter accosted students on the Diag. "Three white boys and one white girl for the U-M Presidency?! RACISM! RACISM!" cried Beavis Jones, co-founder of the Liberate Mumia NOW, DAMMIT! student group. Student Hank Lassiter responded, "I knew Dole was racist, sexist, and a homophobe all along, and this proves it! I'm voting for Clinton, because!"

Evil subversive conservative fascist Floyd Brown, who was instrumental behind the racist "Willie Horton" anti-Dukakis ads for the 1988 Bush campaign, released documented footage of Clinton selling heroin to four year old children in a rural suburb of Little Rock. Footage also showed Clinton running guns across the U.S.-Mexican border, and selling weapons secrets to China. In response, the DNC released footage of Dole falling off the stage while doing the Macarena. Clinton held steady in the latest polls, whereas Dole slipped 9 points. Clinton maintained his solid 25 point lead over the extremist Republican Senator.

Students on campus doubted that foreign policy would be an issue in this election. A majority of students disagreed with the statement "Do you feel Bill Clinton is racist?" In related news, Sinn Fein admitted responsibility for a wave of new bombings in London. Dole dropped 4 points due to the news. Many students felt Alan Greenspan, Fed Chairman, should wear a yellow tie instead of a more conservative red tie, whereas only some students felt that the environment was more important than national defense. Sororities were ambivalent towards Jack Kemp's proposed to cut taxes, but were pleased with Al Gore for no apparent reason. In Indonesia, East Timorean rebels were crushed by army forces, and in Burma, the ruling SLORC government demanded the United States Consulate give them "their subscription to the Michigan Review." Students do not like the Code or Prozac Pistaschio ice cream, and many wonder just what is in "nougat". However, there was a recurring interest in 1970s bubble gum pop, with special emphasis on The Captain and Tenille, Carly Simon, and Le Chic albums.