By: Comrade Ivan Keplov
Citing a need for new space to house enemies of the M-State, Vice Premier for Student Affairs Maureen Hartford, in conjunction with Vice Premier for Continuous Construction Alex Petrov, declared that the Student Publications Building (SPB) would be razed in the first phase of a glorious Three Year Plan to construct even more buildings. Inside sources have told the Review that the new buildings are designed to ensure student compliance with all directives of the Code of Student Conduct and the M-State. Phase One would convert the Dennison Building to the New Code Prison, while a new Physics building would be placed where the SPB currently stands. Phase Two of our Fearless Comrade Hartford's Three Year Plan involves razing and renovating major portions of the Michigan League building to serve as a processing and lockdown area for defendants that are undergoing the Code process.
As all students are required to know, the SPB is home to many student publications of questionable merit, housing mainly the overly opulent and irritatingly Western-style offices of The Michigan Daily, the M-State's student bastion of politically orthodox thought. The SPB also houses the Gargoyle, the self-described and so-called "campus humor magazine" and The Michiganensian, a shadowy organization that reportedly produces collegiate yearbooks to serve the grand bourgeoisie ("Greek") students on campus. The People's Glorious Review (or whatever--BJK) now occupying the offices of the banned Michigan Review, will not be affected by the planned renovations in the Michigan League. Rumors that the Michigan Review is still in operation are entirely untrue. Students are not to read the latest issue placed in various stands. Report rumormongers to the M-State immediately!
Phase One of Hartford's Three Year Plan will be kicked off with a festive multicultural celebration on the Diag in honor of the oppressed proletariat, with specially desginated Women's Studies and Amerikan Culture graduate students burning the just-found secret archives of The Michigan Review. Specially put to the torch will be old copies of Volume 1, Number 1, and any issues of this subversive publication found that dare criticize Fearless Vice Premier Hartford and her loyal comrade, People's Commissar for the Code Mary Lou Antieau.
Student leaders of the major publications on campus were reportedly rebellious when told of Comrade Hartford's wise and loyal statements. The Editorial Board of The Michigan Daily "vowed revenge" when told they were being "rightsized" by the M-State and being replaced by members of the Alliance 4 Justice, the National Women's Rights Organizing Coalition, and the Revolutionary Anti-Imperialist League. The Editorial Board of The Michigan Independent, informed they were being forcibly defunded by the Michigan Student Soviet Assembly (MSSA), demanded to know "...just who's responsible for this, anyway?" A staffer of the Monroe Street Journal, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the whole thing was LSA's problem and that no one in the Business School cared anyway. Rumors that the Editorial Board and some staffers of The Michigan Review actually went into armed rebellion are entirely untrue. Students are directed to avoid the Michigan League building and surrounding areas until DPS quells a small outbreak of violence in that area. Students are advised that the automatic weapons-fire, missile launching, and various explosions at or around the League is not the work of partisan forces intent on the destruction of the M-State, and that DPS has everything under control.
Hartford explained in an exclusive interview with The People's Glorious Review that it was necessary to build new buildings to house offenders due to the new expanded provisions in the latest Code draft, which included a great deal of input from the Women's Studies and Amerikan Culture departments.. "With so many offenders who are doing just horrible things, such as supporting Western civilization, criticizing the M-State, and voicing their own opinions (not to mention the acts of killing, battering, dismembering, electrocution, jaywalking, and other physical harming that occur on campus), we had to build new buildings." Hartford then astutely pointed out that "Most of the people who worked on these publications previously will be brought up on speech violations anyhow."
"You see, by rightsizing the major student publications on campus, we knew that we could effectively stifle student protest and still continue to build new buildings at the same time." Vice Premier Petrov said of his ingenious plan for implementation of Hartford's strategy. Petrov said that if space was used as well in the new facilities as it currently is in the dorms, the new facilities, with a total planned floor area of 225,000 square feet, could be used to incarcerate upwards of 7,500 students.
Code Commissar Antieau reported that Code violations, real and perceived, jumped 4,293% since the implementation of the Newer Code of Student Conduct. The Newer Code of Student Conduct takes the important step of presuming defendants are guilty and forcing them to prove their innocence. This saves time on paperwork and speeds up trials. Any student may be brought up on charges under the Newer Code by another student, staff, or faculty member for any reason whatsoever, with most cases falling under the "trivial and just plain evil" complaint category, according to Antieau.
When asked for their thoughts on the newest machinations of the M-State, MSSA representative (LSA) Kevin Jones responded, "Huh?" This sentiment was voiced by approximately 22% of the representatives on the Assembly, all of whom were queried by this reporter. Another 13% responded "I'd have to check with the Students Rights' Chair about that issue." 29% responded that it was all the Michigan Party's fault, while 17% said they were dedicated to saving affirmative action. 9% of the representatives said they would vote to take a trip to Washington, D.C. with MSSA funding to study the issue, while the remaining 10% were split between saying "This assembly doesn't do anything but bicker and politick." and "You can't judge us as bickering and politicking by only three bloody meetings!"
MSA President Fiona Rose responded to worried students that she would carry on the tradition of Ex-President Flint Wainess and do little or nothing to alleviate any problems students had. "MSSA is not a Fotomat government." she said caustically, bitterly accusing students of demanding competency in student government. "I plan to do whatever is necessary to salvage the resumes of MSSA and my own person." she continued as relieved students cheered wildly at the latest MSSA meeting. "After all, that's what we're here for!" she cried happily to the cheering crowd. Later, she welcomed new representative and External Relations Committee chairman Geraldo Armando-Ruiz by proclaiming, "Welcome aboard. You're on the gravy train!"
So, students, as you eat your lunch and go about your merry way on campus, rest assured that the M-State, Defenders of Bureaucracy, Tuition Hikes, and Political Correctness is looking out for you! (or watching out for you, if you are an evil right-wing conservative racist bent on wreaking your fascist havoc here!!!) Remember the motto of the M-State and sing it loud and proud: THE CODE IS SIMPLY CRITICAL, I LOVE BEING A LIBERAL, ALL CONSERVATIVES ARE CRIMINAL, HUZZA, HUZZA, HUZZA! CCCP