One hundred loyal patriots were ordered to answer the following questions about the M-State and its' policies, about the future of Communism in general, and about other conditions on campus:
1. "Do you like the Code of Student Conduct?"
98 loyal patriots out of 100 replied "Why, yes, I love the Code of Student Conduct!"
The remaining 2 capitalist pig-dog oppressors who replied "Uh, no." were dragged off screaming to the New Code Prison, where they were summarily executed.
2. "What is your favorite color?"
78 loyal patriots out of 98 replied "My favorite color is Red, symbol of the proletariat!"
14 of the remaining 20 suspicious citizens said they preferred "pink" or "magenta", and were publicly censured for their crimes against the M-State.
The remaining 6 traitors to the M-State replied that their favorite color was "green", and were then taken out and shot.
3. "What do you feel about the future of Communism?"
67 loyal patriots out of 78 responded that "Communism is the wave of the future. I still believe this, even though most Communist nations have collapsed and the remaining ones face severe economic duress."
8 of the remaining 11 suspected capitalists that responded "Please take away the AK-47 away from my head." were beaten with truncheons repeatedly.
The remaining 3 traitors who reportedly replied "What future?" were publicly hanged in the Diag.
4. "Who do you support for President of the United States?"
60 loyal patriots out of 67 responded that they would vote for Bill Clinton.
6 of the remaning 7 fascist Nazis responded that they were voting for Bob Dole, and were immediately stoned to death with heavy rocks.
The remaining 1 Nazi said he was voting for Libertarian Harry Browne, and was set on fire by both the loyal patriots and surviving Dole supporters.
5. "Do you feel that administrators are more equal than faculty on campus?"
40 out of 60 loyal patriots responded "Yes! Certainly! By all means! Of course!"
15 of the remaining 20 petty bourgeoisie traitors responded "I don't believe so, no." and were immediately imprisoned in the Code Prison, never to be seen again.
The remaining 5 subversive capitalists that replied "What? Are you mad?" were thrown off the top of Burton Memorial Bell Tower.
6. "Do you feel that the Republican insurgency in the United States is a problem today?"
25 loyal patriots out of 40 citizens responded "Those damn illiterate toothless intolerant bastards need to be sent back to the country where they came from."
10 out of the remaining 15 suspected Republican supporters responded "They weren't sure" and were beaten to make sure they had the right opinion next time.
The remaining 5 evil fascists responded "No, it's a good thing." and were torn apart by an angry mob.
7. "What do you feel about Glorious Red China's manoeuver to censor the Internet? The M-State is attempting to do that here. What is your reaction?"
4 loyal citizens out of 25 responded "Hey, you can do whatever you want to my e-mail account, as long as you don't take it away entirely."
17 out of the remaining 21 obvious rebels responded "You touch one byte of my e-mail and I'll shove this surge protector up your bleeding (DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS)." They were immediately sealed in the tunnel system below the University to slowly starve to death.
The remaining 4 anti-statist libertarians who attempted to assassinate the poll-taker were slowly put to death in a cauldron of boiling oil.
8. "Do you feel that Women's Studies, American Culture, and Revisionist History are the most important majors on campus today?"
0 out of 4 replied "Yes."
All 4 traitors were taken and forced into sensitivity re-education programs every weekend for a year.
As we can see from this survey, racism is the most important issue on campus today, followed closely by Republican insurgency, the deleterious effects of knowing proper history, and failure to support the directives of the M-State. Not one loyal patriot was found among the survey pool. In total, 49 subversives were executed, 47 were beaten, tortured, maimed, or otherwise punished for having their own opinions, and 4 students voluntarily entered re-education. Hence, we can see that we must be vigilant, for EVERYONE is out to get us! The M-State is obviously in peril! Serve the M-State!