By: Lisa Wagner
I have spent the last two years of my life here at the University of Michigan. As a transfer student, I didn't plan on spending much time learning about the politics and the general goings-on of this place. I figured that I would get myself involved in a few social activities while completing my last 48 credits and then be on my merry way. So, I decided to join the Michigan Review, and once again, as the Wagner-Way seems to go I proved myself wrong. I became interested in all of the things that I told myself to stay away from. I found myself in the midst of discussions regarding campus affairs, politics, national and international issues. These were the very things that I promised myself to keep out of. Not soon after I joined the Review I found that I actually had opinions about various topics. I began voicing them and to my surprise people listened. So here I am, and I have something to say about what goes on around here. In fact, I have so much to say that I have founded my own movement. It is called the Little Fat Bear Cult of Lisa and we have an agenda.
Do not read any farther if you agree with everything Maureen Hartford has to say, or if you are perfectly content with the way that this University runs itself. Our plan of action is trying to change some things that we feel are fundamentally wrong with the University of Michigan. Our plan has thirteen points and are as follows.
Number One: Tuition may not increase over one's college career. For most people, one of the criteria for choosing a university is cost. Essentially, the cost of tuition should include the benefits one receives. How many people do you know start off with a salary that justifies what they spent on the degree that got them the job in the first place?
Number two: Tuition increases are a given but there should be a cap on them. Tuition at the University of Michigan should not increase faster than the rate of inflation. If this statement makes sense to you, then why has the tuition of this state-run facility increased more than the rate of inflation almost every year since 1981?
Number three: The Little Fat Bear Cult of Lisa believes that coursepacks should be included in the price of tuition. What is up with coursepacks that cost $68.00 (including royalties) from the Michigan Document Service?
Number four: We think that the number of credits for a class should be equal to the number of hours required to be in that class per week. Enough said.
Number five: There should be more money returned to students when reselling books. For some reason, we cannot grasp the fact that a student will only receive $15 in return for a $65 book, and never receive a dime in return for a coursepack.
Number six: There should be stricter requirements in the screening of GSI`s (Graduate Student Instructors, or TAs) For instance, the English Proficiency Exam should be more difficult. TAs should be able to say a little more than "Rover can take a walk in the park." TAs should be able to speak fluent English, dammit!
Number seven: There should be absolutely no tolerance for violence or discrimination except against obstinate, beef-witted people.
Number eight: The University should provide parking campuswide for any student with a vehicle registered with the University. The Little Fat Bear Cult feels this point flies almost without explanation.
We know that with the five to ten million dollars that Duderstadt misused a great safe parking structure could have been built within walking distance to Central Campus.
Number nine: Drinks must be allowed in libraries. Let`s face it, we all need caffeine. And we all know how to deposit the cans in the recycling bins. The last thing a student needs is for some politically correct do-gooder to come along and abscond with his beverage.
I don't know about the average student, but I'd rather leave the library than give up my Mountain Dew.
Number ten: Food must be available at a reasonable cost to students living in off campus housing. Think about this one: Without our agenda reading like Communist propaganda, a small grocery store can be opened for students only. It could be like the Gordon's Food Service store. Items could be sold at a small profit. Just think, whoever opened this store would not only have a monopoly on the University students, but also be guaranteed a profit.
Number eleven: Pass/Fail deadline should be after midterms.
Number twelve: There should be no penalties for non-attendance. We have all had classes where the lectures are based on the readings. Sometimes this is helpful, but most of the time it is just too monotonous. In a University such as ours, where all the students are literate, why should time be wasted just going over the reading material? Dude, all students already know it behooves them to go to class.
Number thirteen: The final point on the agenda of the Little Fat Bear Cult is most important. There should be less severe penalties for playing video poker in lecture halls.
Pay attention, all you fine young worldly students! The time to act is now. Come to a meeting of the Little Fat Bear Cult of Lisa and you shall see the Light. We will teach you how to get your voice heard. It is your calling to pester the University Regents to implement these changes.
Regular meetings of the Little Fat Bear Cult will be held in the Hartford Towers Commons Room, located on the Central Campus of the University of Michigan. Our meetings will start at 7 A.M. on Sundays. Bring goats.