"Like, what's this all about, officers?" said the student. The student was tired and had rings under his eyes, yet seemed cheerful.
"I'm afraid you're going to have to come with us," said the head DPS officer, hand on gun.
"WHAT? I'm not going to É like, hey! What are you É ZOINKS! HELP! SCOOB!" cried the student as the DPS officers angrily beat him.
George and Jerry were standing, shocked. George could have sworn he had seen this some place before. As he was thinking, one of the other officers walked over to them.
"Excuse me, sirs. I'm afraid that I'm suspending you under Regents Bylaw 2.01. Leave!"
"What?!" cried George. "You can't suspend us under Regents Bylaw 2.01! Only the president of the University can do that!"
The third officer came over to deal with any trouble that the other officer, who was armed with large population control weaponry, might not be able to deal with from these obvious hooligans. The third officer came over and put his hand on the officer's shoulder. "Face it, Joe! It's not going to work! This one's sharp. Not like those other 14 people."
Officer Joe narrowed his eyes. "Well, you're right, Bill. By the way, son, we've got to distribute these copies of The New Code of Student Conduct. Have some."
"I don't want any!" cried Jerry. "Hey! What are you do.....OWWWW! MY LEG!"
"Jerry! Just take a pamphlet!" said George.
"But my leg..."
George and Jerry went to the Union. They had been given approximately 732 copies of The Code Is Your Friend, The All New and Improved Code of Student Conduct, We're One Big Happy University Community, Serve and Obey, and similar propaganda from the Office of Student Conflict Resolution, a section of a division of the Office for Student Affairs. Many in the administration had wished for the Office for Student Affairs to be "more visible," but then they realized that might cost money. Students might actually want to use the few useful services they provided more often. And that would mean that ITD could no longer print customized mailers! That would mean they couldn't give administrators huge raises! The plan was scrapped. Instead, they did a direct mailing campaign to students, faculty, and staff about the Code and didn't bother telling them about any of the aforementioned useful services. And this is why George and Jerry now had hundreds of pamphlets.
After giving the pamphlets to several of those annoying people who hang out near the Union and the bookstores and hand out coupons, George and Jerry ran into the Union. While there, they got caught on the "UP" elevator instead of "DOWN" and had to ride the elevator going from floor one to four and back again. This would have been tolerable, except that they got caught in the elevator with two members from the AATU, one from the IFC, three from MSA, and one from University Housing. By the time George and Jerry finally made it to Wendy's, there was a veritable fight to the death taking place in the MUG lobby.
"Free mandatory student health care for all! Vote Michigan Party! AAAAIIIEEEE!!!!!...."
George and Jerry got their Spiffy New Dave'sTM Bacon Redux Deluxe Special SautŽ Grill Combo meals and sat down, poring over their copies of The Code of Student Conduct. Jerry began to get angrier and angrier as he read. George was amused and threw bits of kumquat from his sandwich at Jerry.
"This Code sucks! It's vague. It has no principle. It isn't even coherent! It contradicts itself, invokes ex post facto reasoning (see subparts J and M and the infamous Welch case), it gives all the power to the viceÐpresident for student affairs, and it É it É AAAAA-CCCHHHH!!" said Jerry, fuming.
"I hope this realization isn't new," said George, picking out the sauteed squid from his burger.
"Well, I'm going to do something about it!!" cried Jerry, rising up and shouting to the assembled crowd in the eating area of the Union. "DON'T CODE ME!!!"
The crowd looked at him strangely for a second, and then continued to eat.
Later, Jerry made an appointment with one of the people that had been in the Workgroup. The Workgroup had formerly been a group consisting of the people who made the Code and made it nice and vague and without any principle. It also was paid by the University to develop the Code that satisfied nobody and that was the whole of "student input." Jerry muttered, "Can we say Conflict of Interest?"
George just shook his head.
"Excuse me," said Jerry, politely. "Could you explain to me why we need a Code that is more extensive than federallyÐmandated guidelines regarding Codes of NonÐAcademic Conduct and that makes our lives a living hell?"
"Because!" said the person in the Workgroup, who was more interested in getting into a good law school than talking with Jerry.
"Because!" said the angry TA that Jerry interviewed, who was more interested in getting his papers graded than talking with Jerry.
"Because it's tradition!" said the Dean of the College that Jerry belonged to, as the dean put on his tie for the grand alumni donation dinner that night.
"What in hell do you want? No!" said the president of the University, before Jerry was able to ask any questions.
"But I haven't even asked what I wanted for yet!" said Jerry.
"I suppose you've got some kind of demand you demand that I fulfill right now!" screamed the angry president, turning a shade of beet red.
"No, actually I don't!"
The president looked at Jerry, displaying a funny expression. "You don't? You're a student here, right? And you don't have a demand?"
Jerry looked back."No, but could you answer some questions?"
The president looked at Jerry. "Maybe. Let me call my lawyer."
Jerry asked the Code question again. The president furrowed his brow.
"Not having one might hurt our accreditation?"
Jerry shook his head.
"Can I get back to you on this?"
Jerry left the office feeling dejected. The president never called him back, and time wore on. February turned into March. Jerry did fun engineering projects. Jerry and George continued to study the Code.
"Sanctions, sanctions É Service, educational projects, University Housing removal, Ludovico's technique, shock therapy, imprisonment, confinement in Angell Hall Construction Zone, forced reading of Letters to the Daily É aw, man! Oh God!" said a fearful Jerry as he ate his Subway Super 96 cent Meatless Meatball sub. George ate a prepackaged burger.
Later that month, the first (forced) public trial of the Code occurred. It was É well, you know how Code trials are.
"Well, now that we've made sure the jury is the way we want it, let's have our trial. I mean hearing," said the judge at the Code trial, grinning evilly. "Will the officers present the evidence?"
Officers Joe and Bill arrived, grinning, with a report fresh off the computer. The judge looked at it, grinned, and handed it to the jury. The student jury looked at it and grinned. "GUILTY!!"
The judge looked at the defendant sternly. "Citizen! For your crimes against this poor, defenseless, insipidly evil person who brought you up under the Code, I sentence you to reading ALL the incoming letters to the editor of the Daily for one week."
"NO! YOU CAN'T! I'VE GOT KIDS!" cried the defendant.
"Yes! THAT!" laughed the judge.
Three days later George and Jerry got eÐmails announcing a protest against the Code. It was at this point that they realized that after protesting, politicking, and pleading for over a year, nothing at all had really changed. MR