Then came high school, where you (probably) got over the cootie stage and you would wax romantic. You'd perhaps ask out that girl you've had a crush on for a long time, and she would, having absolutely no heart, laugh cruelly at you and turn you down. Year after year this would happen, perhaps the girl would change, but the circumstances and results remained the same, until you were on the brink of insanity, and convinced that the whole world hated you and that you'd never score and damn her, who does she think she is?!? And who needs women anyway?!? Not that I--uh, I mean--you're bitter or anything.
But I digress.
Then comes college, where the most people have to table their romantic tendencies in favor of homework and exams--professors don't ever seem to get in the spirit, you know, and most people hold the all-mighty grade higher than love and happiness anyhow, and for God's sake, what would the world be without love, but can you tell them that?!? NOOOOO!!!!
Again, I digress.
Anyhow, I get many questions from people (okay, they are actually a bunch of figments of my fevered imagination, but they're real to me, so they're real enough) related to what you're supposed to get that special someone for Valentines Day, and how to just have a happy Valentines Day in general. These people, in asking me, are obviously quite desperate. But I figured if these people wanted to know, even though I made them up and they're only imaginary, then other people must want to know my secrets to having a good Valentines Day. So I've come up with the following formula, which should be of great assistance to the clueless potential romantic.
Step One: Obtain a significant other. This step is self-explanatory, but not exactly the easiest thing in the world. I'd publish my Neato Guide to Attracting a Girl/Boyfriend, but I'm not sure exactly how it's done--I have a girlfriend, but I don't remember exactly what I did to attract her; this, however, is a fundamental Law of Guys: when it comes to relationships, we're clueless. So you'll have to figure it out yourself, and I'll have to move on to Step Two.
Step Two: Obtain a sufficient amount of money to buy a really expensive gift. I mean a lot of money. We're not talking a "work 20 hours a week for an eternity" kind of money, either. More like the "Hillary Clinton 10,000 Percent Yield Cattle Future Investment of Dubious Legality" kind of money. It's not easy to obtain this kind of money. You could sell some CDs, assuming you have about three zillion CDs to sell back. You could sell blood and attempt to set the world record for the person who functions on the least amount of blood while still being alive. I would even go as far as to say that you could sell a few internal organs, but that would be, to use the technical term, "illegal." It would also be incredibly difficult to find a doctor with that kind of lack of ethics. You could try to remove them yourself and sell them, black-market-style, but it's not like you can just stand on the Diag at night with a trenchcoat, trying to sell a kidney or something. Not that this will stop people from trying. ("Pssst! Hey, Buddy! Ya wanna buy a lower intestine?")
Step Three: After the scars from your do-it-yourself organ sale heal, and you regain consciousness, you should proceed immediately to the mall or equivalent place of business, and obtain an expensive gift. If you are buying for a woman, I would recommend purchasing jewelry with gems the size of grapefruits in it if you ever expect her to speak to you again. If you are buying for a guy, well, we're pretty flexible as to what gifts we get. Actually, we'd be just as happy to trade the gift in exchange for women not getting angry at our ineptitude at gift purchasing. ("Well, honey, I would have bought you the Hope Diamond, but I don't have anymore blood to sell, and nobody wanted my spleen, and UGH!" [GUY PASSES OUT FROM WEAKNESS AND BLOOD LOSS]).
STEP FOUR: After finishing all the work that your cruel, heartless professors have heaped upon you, plan a nice quiet dinner with just you and your sweetheart, and perhaps some candlelight. Or something. Present the gift and hope against hope that he/she enjoys it. And then pray that you don't pass out from the shock of removing all of your internal organs with a Taco Bell spork and then selling them all to passers-by on the Diag.
There is, of course, more to Valentines Day than just buying expensive gifts for your significant other. It's spending a romantic day of love and bliss with that special someone. Or if you don't have a special someone, it is a day of sorrow and bitterness, and phrases like "Who needs [OPPOSITE SEX HERE], anyway?!?" I've been in both situations. But you might ask (or you might not, but who's writing this, huh?!), "What is so special about Valentines Day? I mean, why do we need a special holiday to remember the ones we love and treat them extra specially nice; why not do it more often than just once a year? Where did Valentines Day come from?" For the answer, I consulted some imaginary professors in the Department of History here at U-M. They laughed me out of their offices. This is the kind of respect I get-- even the people I make up won't talk to me. So I decided to contact the US government's Bureau of Holidays With Questionable Significance (BOHWQS) (whose job it is to research holidays and rate them according to whether or not they may be declared "federal" holidays, and thus days off for the government), and asked them what the history of Valentines Day was.
The BOHWQS was more than happy to answer my queries, since it meant they could actually not do much valuable work, yet have some kind of excuse as to why. Apparently Valentines Day came about as a day to pay homage to St. Valentine, the patron saint of love, romance and really cheesy insincere greeting cards. He died several hundred years ago of internal bleeding after attempting to sell his gall bladder to buy his girlfriend a gift. Thus, to honor him, it became tradition to spend ungodly sums of money to show love and affection toward our loved ones on the anniversary of his death.
So you know now how Valentines came about, and how to go about having an excellent Valentines experience. You too, can be a happy Valentine reveler, and maybe even get a gift that will please your mate. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go extract a few internal organs and go shopping for a Valentines gift. MR