WoodMan's Top Sports Flicks
by Rob Wood
When choosing my favorite five sports movies in the history of film, many factors were taken into account. The film's stars were gauged as to how well they portrayed their roles. The opinions of numerous critics were taken into consideration, along with the level of widespread critical acclaim each film received. The number of Academy Awards for which each film was nominated and won was recorded and factored into my formula. All these factors were examined in great detail, and then completely discredited as utter nonsense. I picked the movies I enjoyed and went out and bought to watch an infinite number of times with my friends (while drinking, preferably). And so, without further ado:
5) Like many other seniors here at UM, I am a Bicentennial Baby, born in 1976. Can anyone name the film that won the Oscar for Best Picture that year? That's right: Rocky. Now I know what you're thinking: "He just said that Academy Awards didn't mean squat to him in the last paragraph." True, but back in '76, it seems that the Academy actually exhibited a modicum of taste. Granted, the Italian Stallion, Rocky Balboa, didn't exactly come off as the next Einstein, but he sure had a classic strategy for boxing. Using your body as a punching bag and getting hit in the face until your eyes swell shut and your brain is oozing out your ears is good! It tires out the opposition, so you can move in for the kill. Of course, it didn't exactly work the way Burgess Meredith planned in Rocky's first fight with Apollo Creed, but it sure did in the next three installments. Either way, hearing Stallone's "Adriennnnnnne!" still makes me want to drink.
4) When discussing great baseball films, pictures like The Natural, Field of Dreams, and occasionally the humorous Bull Durham are brought up. These are all fine, heartwarming films, geared for a mature audience. I, however, prefer my numberfour pick: Major League. Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, and Bob Uecker make this film a beercall classic for the ages. I never liked the Cleveland Indians so much. This flick, about the owner of the team who brings in a bunch of zeroes to secure a losing season so that she can move the team to Miami, has the kind of fun one wishes real baseball could enjoy. Maybe that is why movies about baseball are so popular; because watching the actual game is "jusssssst a bit outside" the average American's tolerance for sitting in one place so long.
3) Recently, a completely tasteless, classless, immature movie about a hockeyprowannabeturnedpro golfer came out and I absolutely LOVE it. The numberthree film in my little countdown is ... Happy Gilmore. Two lines are all that are needed to illustrate this film's true greatness: "Suck my white [derriere], ball!" and "You eat pieces of [dung] for breakfast?" What other great American picture can claim to have bellylaugh dialog of this quality? This film is yet another great drinkingbuddy flick, as well. Definitely a mustown.
2) Second in my list of the greatest sports movies ever is that old masterpiece with Paul Newman and the Three Brothers Hanson: Slap Shot. Newman is a manager/player of the minor league Charlestown Chiefs hockey team. When he finds out that the team will probably disband following the current season, he decides to do something about it. Enter: the Hansons. When someone on a hockey team decks an opposing team's player during the pre-game warm-ups, or the phrase "old-time hockey" is heard, it's either in this film, or at the Joe Louis Arena during a Red Wings/Avalanche match-up. Either way, chances are you'll end up on the ground laughing, while sharing a beer with another happy drinking buddy.
1) The only thing making this next film the AllTime Best Sports Movie Ever is a man by the name of Bill Murray. That's right, I'm referring to the one, the only (thank God) ... Caddyshack. This flick is the endall beall of sports movies. Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, and Rodney Dangerfield in the same movie! Back during my freshman year, my roommates and I even had an audio portion of this movie as our answering machine message. I still during football games yell "NOONAN!" as an opposing team's place kicker goes for a field goal. This movie would be at the top of my list, even if I was still a minor (and I never drank back then). If you don't own any of the movies of the five I have listed, and you can only afford one, being the poor college student you are, buy this one. Just remember: "The only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poon-tang." MR