Hulk Hogan Next on Fieger's Agenda

by David Guipe

Yes, the big midterm elections are right around the corner. That’s right, in just a few short days, a whopping three percent of all registered voters will go to the polls and vote for their favorite candidates. Prospects for Republican candidates look especially good in the state of Michigan this year. You see, this year Michigan Republicans have a secret weapon. A weapon that is guaranteed to bring the Democratic Party to its knees and deliver virtually every state office into the hands of the GOP. That weapon is Geoffery Fieger.

Right now you’re probably thinking, “Dave, are you insane? Geoffery Fieger is the Democratic candidate for Governor. He hates Republicans. His dream is to see every Republican in the whole wide world die a slow and agonizing death while representatives from various disadvantaged groups point at them and laugh. Yet you say that he is the GOP’s secret weapon?”

Yes, I do say that Geoffery Fieger is the GOP’s secret weapon. Of course, he doesn’t know it. For those of you who don’t follow politics and have no clue what I’m talking about, allow me to fill you in. Geoffery Fieger is the Democratic candidate for Governor. The Democratic Party is the one that has a donkey as its mascot. Fieger is the attorney for Dr. Jack “No, really, you won’t feel a thing” Kevorkian, the infamous Michigan physician who helps people kill themselves using common household materials such as styrofoam and “Cap’n Crunch.” Several factors motivated Fieger to run for Governor, among them being his hatred for current Governor John Engler, his realization that every other Democrat in the race was a joke, and the little known 118 year old law that grants every state official a free pig on Christmas. So, after narrowly defeating the labor unions’ pick, Comrade Larry Owen, in the Democratic primary, Fieger set his sights on the Governor’s office and on his only obstacle to getting there, Gov. John Engler.

Now Fieger’s no politician, made obvious by his campaign strategy, which goes something like this:

1. Tell everyone that you’re no politician.
2. Make the point that you have views on many important issues without mentioning any of them.
3. Make fun of the Governor’s weight.

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but you get the idea. Well, this strategy seems to be working better than one would think. In the last poll that I saw, Fieger was trailing Engler by only thirty points! My guess is that the twenty five percent of voters who are actually considering voting for Fieger are made up of hardline Democrats, Engler haters, and BAMN members. As a matter of fact, my curiosity about what the general public thinks of Fieger prompted me to take my own unofficial poll. During the course of my day, I asked random people what they think of the guy. The results looked something like this:

• 97% of the population think that Fieger is a moron.
• 68% feel genuine sympathy for the man.
• 39% think that the world would be better off if Fieger was Kevorkian’s patient instead of his attorney.
• 15% think that Fieger looks a lot like a pro wrestler.
• 2% will vote for him if a potential hangover doesn’t stop them from getting to the polls on Election Day.

It’s a shame that there weren’t any gubernatorial debates. Engler could have easily made Fieger look like a complete fool, but our governor is too nice of a guy to do that. Besides, it’s not like Fieger needs help looking like a fool. It almost makes me wish that I could stand in for the governor and debate Fieger. Hmm, me debating Geoffery Fieger. It would probably go something like this:

Moderator: “Mr Fieger, what is your view on taxes?”

Geoffery Fieger: “Taxes are stupid. As governor, I will see to it that the ‘Sales Tax’, the ‘More Than Twelve Kids Tax’, and the ‘Inhaling Oxygen Tax’ are all eliminated.”

Me Debating Geoffery Fieger: “Geoff, that’s all good and well, but I see one minor flaw in your tax cutting plan.”

Geoffery Fieger: (sarcastically) “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

Me Debating Geoffery Fieger: “Two of those taxes don’t exist! Guess which two.”

Geoffery Fieger: “Well, uh, I, uh, say, did anyone notice how FAT the governor is?”

Oh well. There will always be the dream. Anyway, just because Fieger is going to suffer an embarrassing loss on Election Day that will scar him for the rest of his life doesn’t mean that he has to go back to being a lawyer. There are plenty of other options for him. Next week on WCW, Geoffery Fieger versus Hollywood Hulk Hogan. You heard it here first. MR

This article was published in the 28 October 1998 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 3).
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