"The Man" Speaks

by C.J. Carnacchio

The Michigan Review is proud to present an exclusive interview with “The Man.” Ever since the 1960s, we have all heard leftists complain about how “The Man is keepin’ us down!” The Man is responsible for everything from racism and sexism to Third World imperialism and poverty. The Man is the leader of the vast right-wing conspiracy against President Bubba. It was The Man who undermined communism and prevented the world from becoming a worker’s paradise. It is The Man who framed Mumia and keeps him imprisoned to this day. And now, without further ado, direct from his secret underground bunker in parts unknown, here is a chat with The Man:

MR: Thank you for speaking with me Mr. The Man. I know you have a busy schedule.

The Man: No problem. And please just call me “The Man.”

MR: So tell me, what is it like being the all-powerful Man?

The Man: It feels good. Damn good. Whether I’m oiling the capitalist machinery with the blood of the workers or sexually harassing my buxom secretary, it all gives me the same warm fuzzy, right here. I’m just glad that I was born and raised in a nation where a guy like me could grow up to become The Man. A nation where any kid, provided he is a rich WASP male, can one day become The Man. God bless America.

MR: That’s inspirational. So tell me, what have you been up to lately?

The Man: Well, I’m excited about a little project I’m working on in your neck of the woods: the University of Michigan. My agents there are currently working to end affirmative action and resegregate higher education. I even have a group of undercover agents posing as some pro-affirmative action leftist group called the Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action By Any Means Necessary. Their job is basically to create disorder and make the pro-affirmative action side look like fanatical goons and crazed cretins. They have been doing an excellent job.

MR: You mean that Jessica Curtin is working for you?

The Man: Of course. She and I go way back. She went to prep school with my daughter. She’s been a friend of family for years. Her cover makes her seem like a typical campus radical, but underneath it all, she is still the same girl who kept pictures of Ronald Reagan, Barry Goldwater, and Joe McCarthy on her nightstand. Hell, I still remember how her eyes lit up when I gave her that Nike stock for Christmas last year. She joked about the plight of the Third World worker, saying “Work harder Ling-Ling! Mama needs a new sports utility vehicle!” She may seem like an angry, young miltant on the outside, but on the inside she is as American as apple pie and white bread.

MR: What a shocking revelation. So Hillary Clinton and Lee Bollinger are right!There is a vast right-wing conspiracy working to destroy the Left’s dream of an egalitarian, multicultural paradise. But why do you do it?

The Man: I do it for money, power, and women. Chicks dig a man who is actually The Man. But mainly, I do it for kicks. I mean, I really enjoy oppressing the underprivileged, minorities, and women. You name it, I was behind it. Jim Crow? Me. 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention? Me. Whitewater? Me. Monica Lewinsky and her amazing oral orchestra? Me. It’s all me, baby! Once affirmative action has been destroyed, I will once again be able to oppress and segregate to my little black heart’s content. [The Man breaks into an evil belly laugh.]

MR: You mentioned Monica Lewinsky. Is she on your payroll as well?

The Man: Of course she is. Ken Starr, too. I admit I did want a better-looking woman to seduce the President, but she was all that we had available. Lucky for us, the President is so horny she could have had a hump on her back, a wooden-leg, and a few missing teeth and he would have still been ready to exercise the “executive branch.” I guess being from Arkansas, Clinton is just happy to be dating outside the realm of blood relations.

MR: What did you hope to gain by Lewinsky-gate?

The Man: I had to bring Clinton down. If it wasn’t for me, he would have gone down as the greatest Democrat since FDR or JFK. I had to distract the nation from his record and paralyze his ability to propose any more legislation that would have been threatening to my agenda. I really dodged a bullet with that whole nationalized health care deal. I own the American Medical Asociation you know.

MR: What would you say was your greatest accomplishment?

The Man: The 1980s, without a doubt. The Reagan-Bush years. The rich got richer. The poor got poorer. Junk bonds. Greed is good. Americans feeling more comfortable with their prejudices. The whole nine yards. And let’s not forget the arms race. My military industrial complex made a mint off Star Wars alone. Bill Gates is a pauper compared to me. Then again, he works for me too.

MR: What does The Man do in his spare time?

The Man: Well, I really don’t have that much spare time. Oppression is pretty much a 24 hour a day job. But occasionally, I do find time to relax. When I do have some down time, I enjoy hunting endangered species. I bagged a couple of nice spotted owls the last time I visited the Northwest. I also enjoy wood-working with rainforest trees. I recently built a condo out of rainforest wood in the middle of the Amazon.

MR: There were others before you who held the title of The Man throughout history. Could you name a few?

The Man: There was Alexander the Great, Augustus Caesar, Attila the Hun, Christopher Columbus, Vlad the Impaler, and Napoleon, to name a few. Columbus was my favorite. Genocide, slavery, destruction of indigenous cultures, and the greatest real estate swindle in recorded history. You’ve got to love it. Everyone knows that Columbus is responsible for every form of oppression in the United States today. Columbus Day is my Christmas. The Indians made out pretty good, anyway — running casinos is definitely more lucrative than hunting buffalo.

MR: What is The Man’s vision for the future?

The Man: Call me a dreamer, but I envision a world of total WASP domination. A world where capitalism is free to run amok. Colleges where dead white males are revered, once again, and class rooms have been resegregated. A world where men are free to once again use their positions of power to extract sexual favors from female subordinates. A world where multicultural studies involves the examination of varying European cultures. A rebirth of colonialism. An America not afraid to flex its nuclear muscles and intimidate the rest of the world. My vision of the future is laid out in more detail on my web page: www.TheMan.com.

MR: Well, thank you for the interview. I’d love to stay for dinner — that poached dolphin smells wonderful — but I do have to run.

The Man: Oh, I’m terribly sorry, but you can’t leave — now that you have seen my face, I will have to shoot you. Guards! Seize him!

Guards: Jawohl! MR

This article was published in the 28 October 1998 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 3).
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