The Michigan Review

Clinton: "The Cheese Fries Made Me Do It"

by David Guipe

Yes America, the Starr Report is finally out. Right now, many of you are probably wondering what’s going to happen to the president with the second highest testosterone level in history (J.F.K.’s still holding the top spot, apparently). So, in order to address all of your questions, we’ll turn to our political expert in this Q and A segment that I like to call, “Ask The Guy Who Knows Stuff”.

Q: So, what did you think of that new Leslie Nielsen movie?
A: I meant your questions about Clinton.
Q: Oops. My bad. So is Clinton going to be impeached?
A: Nope. He’ll limp over the finish line.
Q: What? You mean to tell me that the evil, mean Republicans won’t throw him out just to show everyone how evil and mean they are?
A: Are you kidding? Clinton is the best thing that ever happened to the Republicans. As long as Clinton is in office, the word “Democrat” will be synonymous with “middle-aged pervert”.
Q: Hey, leave Ted Kennedy out of this!
A: I was talking about Clinton.
Q: Oh. But what if he resigns?
A: People that resign usually have honor.
Q: True. So does this mean that Al Gore’s chances of winning the White House in 2000 are pretty much dead?
A: He doesn’t see it that way. As a matter of fact, I’ve recently stumbled upon some strategies that he’s considering for his campaign.
Q: Really?
A: Yep. It turns out that Gore is planning on choosing none other than former college roommate Tommy Lee Jones as his running mate. The Democrats are hoping that Jones will be able to impress the masses by using lines like, “We’re gonna get enough votes to win this election, even if we have to search every farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse, and outhouse.”
Q: Uh huh. So how was that Leslie Nielsen movie?
A: Not even close to the caliber of the Naked Gun movies.

Of course, Clinton could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he had just admitted that he did wrong in the first place and appealed to the complacency and gullibility of the average American voter to save his skin. Here is an example of one such move:

Clinton: “Yes, I did it. I had sex with Monica Lewinsky.”
Audience: (holding “Impeach Clinton” signs) “BOO! HISS! BOO!”
Clinton: “Wait! Let me explain! I couldn’t help it. She tempted me with cheese fries! (pulls out a “Bucket ‘O Cheese Fries”) Yes, cheese fries, America’s favorite snack. Why, where would America be without cheese fries?”
Mike McCurry: (begins humming “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”)
Clinton: “What did George Washington’s father give him after he told the truth about the cherry tree? Cheese fries. What did Abe Lincoln use to end the Civil War? Cheese fries. What did FDR snack on while discussing strategies with Winston Churchill? You guessed it, cheese fries. So what do you say America? Let’s grab some cheese fries and build that bridge to the twenty first century.”
Audience: (holding up “Clinton 2000” signs) “FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!”
Mike McCurry: “How long do you think it will take them to figure out that you can’t run again?”
Clinton: “Give ‘em a couple of days. If they’re still here, turn the hose on ‘em.”

Well, there you have it. A plausible scenario of what could have happened, which is why it is SO important, and I can’t stress this enough, people, that we informed voters go out and VOTE on election day. It’s really not that hard. As a matter of fact, it can be done in three easy steps:

1. 1.    Go to the polling place.
2. 2.    Vote.
3. 3.    Leave the polling place.

Otherwise, you may turn on CNN and find something like this:

Wolf Blitzer: “The latest polls show that President Clinton’s approval rating has once again taken a huge leap since his confession that his marital infidelity has been caused by cheese fries (stuffing a cheese fry into his mouth). The latest poll shows that 97% of Americans approve of Clinton, while only 4% disapprove. Yes, I’m aware of the fact that those numbers add up to 101%, which is more proof that CNN shouldn’t hire women to do math. Of course, any liberals watching who have no sense of humor will not realize that my last statement was made in a tongue in cheek manner, which means that this will probably be my last day on the job. Oh well, at least I have cheese fries.” MR

This article was published in the 7 October 1998 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 2).
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