Wrestling for the Presidency

by David Guipe

Okay, so I was sitting in front of my TV the night of November 3rd, watching the election results, when some official news person made an announcement that went something like this:

Official News Person: "And our network is now projecting a winner in the Minnesota Governor's Race. Jesse "The Body" Ventura has defeated his opponents, and is on his way to becoming Minnesota's next governor."

Now, November the 3rd is a day that held a lot of surprises for me, among them being the GOP's losses in the House, the stalemate in the Senate, and the fact that I was all out of Lipton "Brisk" iced tea so early in the week. But to be perfectly honest, Ventura's victory wasn't one of them. I mean, what's so surprising about a pro-wrestler winning a top political office? After all, politics and pro-wrestling have a lot in common. For example, both have "good guys" (e.g., Goldberg and Ronald Reagan) and "bad guys" (e.g., Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Diane Feinstein).

So now that "The Body" has successfully bridged the gap between politics and pro-wrestling, there's no telling what will happen. We could see an invasion of pro-wrestlers into public office. And the scariest part is, they would probably win. I mean, who better to get the vote of 18-30 year old males than a candidate whose action figure they once owned? This could be the beginning of a new era in American politics. Why, it wasn't too long ago that pro wrestling superstar Hulk Hogan announced his candidancy for President on WCW. Personally, I didn't witness the event, but I'll bet it went something like this:

Mean Gene Okerland: "Well, here we are on another exciting edition of WCW. I'm Gene Okerland and with me is this man, Hulk Hogan."

Hulk Hogan: "Let me tell you somethin,' Mean Gene. I've got an announcement to make tonight that will send shock waves throughout WCW."

Mean Gene Okerland: "A shocking announcement? Don't tell me that you're planning on challenging Goldberg for the World Championship at our next overrated, overpriced Pay-Per-View event."

Hulk Hogan: "This isn't about Goldberg, Mean Gene. I am here to announce my challenge to you, Al Gore, for the Presidency of the United States of America."

Mean Gene Okerland: "Wait a minute! This isn't in the script!"

Hulk Hogan: "The Hulkster doesn't need a script tonight. I'm taking Hulkamania to Washington. And here's the man that's gonna help me get there. My newest NWO brother, Newt Gingrich!"

("NWO" theme music begins as Newt Gingrich comes out onto the podium)

Mean Gene Okerland: "What are you doing? We're all gonna get fired for this and then we'll have to (gulp) get real jobs!"

Newt: "Shut up, baldy. My man, Hulk Hogan, here, is going to be the Republican candidate for President and he's gonna win. Tell 'em, Hulk!"

Hulk Hogan: "Al Gore, whatchya gonna do when Hulkamania and the largest arms in the world run wild all over you!? (flexes)"

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but you get the idea. It wouldn't surprise me at all if politicians start trying to reach the voters when they're still kids. One way to do this would be to make political action figures. Remember those corny action figure commercials you used to see when you were a kid? Well, imagine how corny commercials for political action figures would be.

Kid #1: "Ha! My Bill Clinton action figure rules the U.S.A.!"

Kid #2: "Oh yeah? He's no match for my Ken Starr action figure, complete with Articles of Impeachment."

Kid #1: "Oh, cheap shot. Clinton's down for the count!"

Kid #2: "Yeah!"

Announcer Person: "New Political Action Figures! So close to the real deal, it's like being on Capitol Hill! Articles of Impeachment sold seperately." Campaign commercials could change, too. They'll probably end up being a lot like those monster truck commercials.

Gruff Announcer: "Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday! See the real political action as Al Gore goes head to head with George W. Bush for the Presidency of the United States, no holds barred!"

Al Gore: (in an expressionless voice) "I'm gonna pulverize you, Bush!"

Gruff Announcer: "And you can see it all on Pay-Per-View. You have to pay for the whole seat but all you'll need is the edge!"

Yes, politics is going to change a lot because of Ventura's victory. Jesse is so confident that his administration will be successful that he wants to be called Jesse "The Mind" from now on. Does this mean that "The Body" is now officially an open nickname? Hmm, who should be the next person endowed with this title? My pick: Janet Reno. MR

This article was published in the 18 November 1998 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 4).
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