Serpent's Tooth

A recent editorial in the Michigan Daily which offered their endorsements for the U-M Regents race had the following headline: "Vote Power, White." An oh-so-subtle message, perhaps? The Daily is racist, the Daily is racist! Protest, protest!!!

By the way, speaking of "racists," we'd like to announce that we're naming our office the "Carl Cohen Center for Student Anti-Affirmative Action Racists in Training." Congratulations, Professor Cohen!

Just some reminders: Only 36 more shopping days until Christmas and less than 90 days to go before convicted cop-killer Mumia frys in the electric chair. Serpent's Tooth wonders what will happen to those six members of the Free Mumia Coalition once their cause is turned into a piece of the Colonel's extra-crispy.

Serpent's Tooth recently discovered that Jessica "Miss White Liberal Guilt 1998" Curtin wrote on her X.500 listing that her favorite beverage was "liquified cat." Serpent's Tooth is shocked at her lack of sensitivity and compassion for animals. We insist that all local animal rights activists descend upon her residence immediately. Once there the activists must build a mass, integrated animal rights movement which will use any means necessary to combat her obvious anti-animal stance. We also recommend that she be placed in sensitivity training for a period of 10 years. Take no prisoners!

With regard to the upcoming MSA elections, all Serpent's Tooth has to say is: "Send in the Clowns!"

On November 3, 1998, the Review's weekly staff meeting was interrupted by a mob of 20 or so angry feminists. Apparently, they were upset over Jacob Oslick's SAPAC piece in the last issue. They were also upset that when they were little girls their parents never bought them Easy Bake Ovens or Betsy Wetsys. Serpent's Tooth would just like to say, "Why don't all you groovy chicks mellow out! Remember girls, militant feminism causes wrinkles."

President Clinton recently paid Paula Jones an $850,000 settlement in exchange for her dropping the sexual harassment lawsuit. Monica Lewinsky is apparently very angry because Jones turned down the President's request for oral sex and she received a huge cash sum, while Monica did gratify the President orally and all she recieved was a lousy poetry book and a stained dress. Moral of the story: Paula kept her mouth shut and got paid while Monica couldn't keep her mouth shut so she got screwed.

Hollywood has already begun cranking out movies about the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. Some titles include: "I Know Who You Did Last Summer," "The Thing That Swallowed the President," "Bill and Monica's Erotic Adventure," and finally, "Chubby Attraction."

Top five reasons why John Glenn really went back into space: 5) Test effectiveness of Depends Undergarments in zero gravity. 4) How do dentures stand up to long term exposure to Tang? 3) How many hours of "When I was an astronaut..." stories can today's astronauts stand? 2) Can a walker be used on a space walk? 1) Testing possible Social Security solution. Can we just shoot the elderly off into space?

This article was published in the 18 November 1998 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 4).
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