Men Are From Mars
Women Are From Mars Too; Just Another Part

by David Guipe

If you're a guy, chances are there will come a time when a woman asks you how she looks. If you ever sense this question coming, the best strategy is to run for dear life. There is NO right answer. Take it from one who's been there. Here is an example of what I'm talking about:

Girl: "Do I look okay in this dress?"
Guy: "You look fine."
Girl: "I look 'fine?' Just 'fine?' What is that supposed to mean? So I don't look 'good' or 'great,' I look 'fine?' Is that what you're saying?"
Guy: "No, you look, uh, great in that dress."
Girl: "You're lying."
Guy: "No I'm not."
Girl: "Yes you are."
Guy: "Seriously, that looks really good on you."
Girl: "Oh, so now we're back down to 'really good.' I thought you said I looked 'great?' You liar."
Guy: "No, I just meant that..."
Girl: "ARE YOU SAYING I'M FAT?"

This conversation will go on for several hours and will not have a pretty ending. What did the guy do wrong? Here's an example of what I would have done in that situation:

Girl: "Dave, do I look okay in this dress?"
Me: (looking out window) "Hey, some famous person is in the parking-lot signing autographs. I've always wanted to get an autograph from that particular famous person. I'll be back in several nonconsecutive shakes of a lamb's tail."
After stopping for something at Burger King and catching a movie or two, I'd casually return, hoping that she had forgotten by then.

That brings me to my next point concerning looks. Not only does every woman on earth think she looks like crap, every woman is also totally convinced that she is fat. This paranoia about weight probably comes from years of playing with dolls whose waists are thinner than their necks. I've yet to meet a woman who doesn't think that she needs to lose weight. We men need to be extra careful concerning this subject, for I am convinced that a woman can misinterpret any statement a man makes and turn it into an insult about her weight. Take the following example.

(Guy and girl in car, girl driving.)
Guy: "That light's about to turn red. Better start braking."
Girl: "What are you saying? That I'm so FAT that I can't reach the pedal when I get up there? I'll brake when I'm good and ready."
Guy: "Watch out for that car!"
Girl: "So now you're saying my reflexes are slow because I'm so FAT?!"
Guy: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Cars crash and fall into a ravine, causing everyone to die instantaneously upon impact.)
Girl: "What are you saying, narrator? That I'm so FAT, I crushed my male companion?"
(Well, no, I, uh, that is.....)

Of course, views about looks are only one difference between men and women. Another is their attitude towards certain activities. By "certain activities," I mean shopping. The attitudes of men and women towards shopping differ in a very simple way: women like to shop, men don't. If you're a woman, you probably can't figure out why you're unable to find a male companion who enjoys shopping for clothes. The reason is simple: men don't shop for clothes; men buy something to wear. Women think of shopping as an art. From the moment they walk into the store, they have a strategy in mind as to which rack they're going to hit first and second and so on, always keeping at least three moves ahead. Plus, once a woman gets to a rack, she has to follow the unwritten rule that she must try on at least two-thirds of the items on it.

Men, on the other hand, have a very simple strategy when it comes to buying something to wear. It goes something like this:

1. Go into store.
2. Grab first pair of of jeans on rack.
3. Pay for them and exit store.

This usually takes four to five minutes and can be conveniently done during a commercial break if you're listening to your car radio and don't want to miss any songs.

Yes, gender relations is just one of those areas of life that always seems to be problematic. There are so many more cheerful topics that I could write about. Next issue: Dave's thoughts on war, pestilence, and death. MR

This article was published in the 9 December 1998 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 5).
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