Serpent's Tooth

Ranking up there on the "that's the damned stupidest thing I've ever heard of" list is definitely the recent National Day of Inaction in which aggrieved protestors, concerned about their perceived right to go to class, decided to protest threats to that right by ... not going to class. Does anyone else here consider this to be the ultimate act of stupidity?

In other University news, sources close to South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker confirm that Cartman's father to be announced in a new South park will indeed be University President Lee Bollinger. Bollinger, upon hearing the news, said, "That's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap!"

We don't know about you, but every time we read the Michigan Independent, one thing comes to mind: Where are the coupons? Where are the coupons?

Friedrich Nietschze must have been thinking of the Daily when he said, "Sick are they always; they vomit up their bile, and call it a newspaper."

We've recently heard that the University has commissioned the AA­Team to defend affirmative action on campus, with BAMN leader Jessica Curtin playing the part of B. A. Her stock quote: "I pity the fool that opposes affirmative action!" Their first mission is to successfully mine the area around the Michigan League and Union so that no one, nowhere, at no time may have free speech, as it might be fascist.

Recently, we spell-checked the name Bollinger on our computer systems in the office. Suggested replacements: bologna, bungler, and various other words well, computers don't lie, now do they?

In light of the upcoming MSA elections, we'd just like to take a moment to commemorate the election's forgotten victims: the janitorial staff of Angell Hall. Never have so many people suffered for such a small gain: well, perhaps at the Battle of the Somme, but a few hundred feet of mud inhabited only by dead soliders, barbed wire, and rats the size of household pets, in our eyes at any rate, is worth far more than the MSA Presidency.

We're honestly confused by a good deal of the mail we're getting about Kepple's Worst of Winter column. Look, if you disagree, fine, but what in hell does that have to do with a threatened masculinity complex? What is a threatened masculinity complex? And why is it all the writers seem to live in or near East Quad?

It's that time of year again for MSA politicos to come out of their dank, murky holes. If they don't see their consciences, we're in for another year of incompetence and betrayal.

WARNING TO MIKE NAGRANT!
YOUR FREE PARKING IS OVER!

By the way, Mike, do you think we'll get Ye Grand Old Coursepack Store before 2017?

No?

We also hear that after this month's MSA Presidential election, MSA Vice President Olga Savic will be giving up her amateur status and becoming a professional puppeteer. But will she ever find another dummy as lifelike as Mike Nagrant? We will surely miss his rousing rendition of "I Got No Strings." Who knows? Someday maybe Mike will be a real politico.

Sorry, Mike, but you deserve it for playing the lame duck these past four months. Now ride out your last three weeks quietly -- not that it will be any different.

Oh, it's times like this we're glad we don't take MSA's funding and really glad we deal with the staff at The Michigan League. (All kidding aside, they are great and we especially love the weekly cleaning service for our office!)

After all, this is an office where we found souvenirs from the 1984 Sugar Bowl behind a desk and where we still haven't learned from the 1993 Donny Hanson tragedy in the archive closet. How were we supposed to know that the green thing in our fridge survived that bleach bomb and vowed revenge?

If we can't bomb Iraq how about France? No?

Recently, the Government of Ontario awarded the sum of CDN$2.8 million to the three surviving Dionne quintuplets. The quints, who were born Back In The Day (as in the 1930s) and were the first surviving quintuplets ever delivered, lived in state custody in a theme park called "Quint Land," which netted the Ontario government millions in revenue that the quints never saw. The quints were happy about the award until they realized that due to nose-diving exchange rates, their CDN$2.8 million only paid for toll fare at the Ambassador Bridge and a Motel 6 room outside of Detroit.

No affirmative action supporters have returned our Racial Preferences Pledge. Why is that? Could it be, say, hypocrisy?

We're definitely looking forward to the March 18 appearance of Ward Connerly, provided that socialist thugs armed with megaphones and clubs don't decide to ruin the whole thing first. Not that we're bitter.

Warning to Laurie Mayk!
Keeping the Daily biased, incorrect, and STULTIFYING is generally frowned upon by most students!

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Fighting for the Title of World's Absolute Worst Daily Columnist Ever!

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Watch as PAUL SERILLA conducts "Serilla Warfare" against the "Trivial Pursuits" of JOSHUA RICH!

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This article was published in the 11 March 1998 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 16, Number 8).
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