The Michigan Review

Down with MSA

by C.J. Carnacchio

Well, yet another Michigan Student Assembly (MSA) election has come and gone. It does not matter who won and who lost for these elections are always contests between Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber. The only consistent loser in these electoral fiascoes is the student body.

With the recent election barely even a week old, our new president and even the MSA itself have found themselves embroiled in scandals and controversy. Frat boy President-Elect Trent "Hop on Chopp" Thompson stands accused of allegedly violating the MSA Election Code by turning a frat party into a polling site. It is bad enough frat boys use alcohol to improve their social lives; they must use it for political purposes as well.

The MSA could find itself in hot water for allegedly violating the Michigan Campaign Finance Act of 1976 by using public funds (the new four dollar student fee increase) for a political campaign (lobbying to put the student regent question on the November ballot). I wonder if Ken Starr needs some extra business?

After enduring four years of MSA elections, with their corresponding scandals, corruption, and seemingly endless parades of egomaniacal cretins, I have arrived at the perfect solution to reform student government: Abolish the MSA! So simple and yet, so inspired.

Let's face it, the MSA is a maggot-infested, bloated corpse masquerading as a political body representing students' interests. MSA has all the prestige of a high school prom committee and the effectiveness of the United Nations. Its meetings are usually filled with empty rhetoric, endless bickering, and mental masturbation. To paraphrase humorist P.J. O'Rourke, giving money and power to the MSA is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

The only students who ever run for office or get elected are either self­serving, resume­packing, political hacks (i.e. Probir "Funk Lord" Mehta) or leftist twits looking to impose their backward ideologies on the student body (i.e. Jessica "Miss White Liberal Guilt 1998" Curtin). During the election, they all promise to fight for students' rights and proclaim themselves to be the humble servants of their constituencies. But once elected, they either cozy up to University administrators in search of letters of recommendation or they begin demanding the release of all political prisoners in [insert your favorite Third World nation here ].The Greek playwright Aristophanes described the MSA politicos perfectly when he said, "You're an expert in tripe. You're vulgar, loudmouthed, low ­ just what you need for a career in politics ... Exactly: scum. Just right for public life."

During the election I overheard one of the presidential candidates, who shall remain nameless, chatting with a young lady about how he was running for MSA president and he was quote "the real deal." He told her to get all her friends to vote for him and all of her friends' friends. His pitch had all the political savvy of a high school clique. After listening to his politicking for a few minutes, I immediately washed all exposed areas.

If we cannot abolish the MSA right away, then we should at least demand that all MSA members sign a legally binding pledge stating that they will never put their service in student government on any future resumes or seek letters of recommendation from their new administration buddies. This should be helpful in weeding out some of the resume-packers. If a candidate is truly concerned about the student body over his own future career interests, he should have no problem signing the pledge.

Machiavellian politicians aside, MSA's funding of student groups, through mandatory student fees, is perhaps its most insidious function. Granted, the individual fee is miniscule in monetary terms, but as a matter of principle it is a gross violation of students' liberties. Students should not be forced to contribute money to groups of which they are not members or which they may have political and/or religious objections to. It is morally reprehensible to ask the politically conservative student to contribute to the leftist Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action by Any Means Necessary or to ask a devout Christian student to fund the Queer Unity Project. As Thomas Jefferson wrote, "To compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves, is sinful and tyrannical."

The market alone should dictate which student groups thrive and which die out, not the pork­barrel system of a corrupt student government. God only knows what kind of backroom deals are cut between student groups and MSA hacks. We have all seen the corruption of Congress by special interest lobbyists. Whenever money and power mate they usually give birth to the bastard child known as corruption. No good can come of student groups lobbying for funds mingling with power­hungry MSA politicos. If student groups want funding let them collect dues from their members or earn money from actually providing a service or selling a product. It is time to stop the gravy train.

By now some readers are probably whining, "But if we dissolve the MSA, who will represent the students?" Let me ask you this: Has the MSA done anything of substance to halt rising tuition bills? No. Has the MSA done anything of substance about the abysmal parking situation on campus? No. Did the MSA stop the implementation of the draconian Code of Student Conduct? Did the MSA defend the rights of upperclassmen when University Housing exiled them from traditional dorms? No. So, is the MSA representing students' interests? No.

When there is a problem at the University a student's first thought should not be, and usually is not, "The MSA should do something." Students should be thinking, "Hey, I'm paying for this, damn it! I'm a customer and I want service!" Students do not need a political body representing them. The University is not a nation­state. Students are neither its subjects nor citizens. Bollinger is neither a king or a "real" president. Students are customers. Bollinger and all the other administrative lackeys are our employees. With the average student making at least a $50,000 investment in the University, they should be attending to our every need.

If students really want the administration to be responsive to their needs, they have to hit them where it hurts; their wallets. The University's leadership is relentlessly driven by pure greed and that is their Achilles' heel. The University basically views students as a herd of cash cows which they gleefully lead to the slaughterhouse. Students should be looking to bring the power of the market to bear upon the administration. The economic power of an angry consumer beats the empty political voice the MSA hacks are supposed to be giving the student body.

Students need to start appealing to alumni donors who mindlessly throw gobs of money at the University every year. These alumni need to be informed about campus issues such as the liberty draining Code of Student Conduct and the sheer stupidity of University Housing. Students, as future alumni, should start signing pledges stating that they will never give a penny to the University until it starts responding to students' needs and respecting their rights.

Students could also appeal to parents to take action when necessary. Hell hath no fury like a mob of disgruntled parents. Students could also inform the press as to certain University actions which oppress students and make great headlines. Nothing scares the administration more than bad press. Did you notice the sweat glistening off Housing Director William Zeller's head when reporters interviewed him about the upperclassmen housing debacle a few months ago?

To conclude, abolishing this unholy institution we call MSA is the only real way to save the campus from further tyranny and incompetence. Let's just review some of the benefits of abolition: 1) No more annoying campaign posters littering the Fishbowl and tormenting our poor janitorial staff. 2) No more slimy candidates trying to kiss the student body's collective ass. 3) No more unjust student fees to finance campus groups. 4) MSA operating fees and expenses cut to zero. 5) No more MSA coverage in any campus newspaper.

All that is left to be said is, "Let the Revolution begin! Down with MSA!"MR

C.J. Carnacchio is the Managing Editor of the Review. He would like to congratulate frat boy President­Elect Trent "Hop on Chopp" Thompson on his shady victory. His win proves that the beer­swilling, slack­jawed, knuckle­dragging cretin vote is alive and well. Cheers, Trent!

This article was published in the 1 April 1998 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 16, Number 9).
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