You Love Hair Bands - Admit It!

by Chris Hayes

I have been accustomed to writing a “The Year in Music” piece for the January issue of the Michigan Review since I have been with the paper. I have typically run down the past year’s releases and given you my empty opinion of what was worthwhile and what was not. Pay attention, this year’s review is going to be quick. Lauren Hill is overrated. So are the Beasty Boys. Neither is good enough to be artist of the year. Outkast and Blackstar are the hip-hop artists to look into from 1998.

Instead of buying Garbage’s last record or REM’s latest, invest in some good old hard-rock greatest hits compilations from hair bands of the 80’s. Skid Row and Motley Crue both put out “best of” records in 1998, and Poison’s greatest hits is only $9.99 at most record stores. Any of these are a sure fire hit, especially with the ladies. Any intelligent and sensitive woman will melt if you serenade her with an accoustic rendition of Poison’s “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” or Warrant’s “Heaven.” All you really need is a cheap guitar (make sure it is tuned) and determination to impress the one you love. It is not too early to start thinking about Valentine’s Day.

Jest if you must, but this is history here. I am tired of having to justify and prove that the likes of Motley Crue, Cinderella, Skid Row, and of course, Poison have a place in every listener’s CD collection. I am aware that most people will not take my tone seriously, but I am talking about a very important and sensitive issue for myself as a listener. I have heard the excuses before; “They all look gay,” or “They are so friggin’ cheezy,” or simply “They just suck.” These quotes can be applied to any of the above bands. There is something not being totally explored in this case. Although these bands get dumped on every which way by the average college listener, everyone remembers them and can probably recite some lyrics. This is because these bands were popular. Extremely popular. Because of our generation. That means you. Poison’s rotation on MTV in 1990 was insane. “Nothing but a Good Time,” “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn,” and “Fallen Angel” were huge singles being shown left and right. Someone (actually a lot) had to be buying the Open Up and Say…Ahh! record. Yet everyone denies his or her interest in these bands.

I have a theory on this. I believe people are embarrassed by actually enjoying the likes of Poison. That is fine. I can mildly understand this. It is kind of like the person you asked out or even kissed in junior high who now is less attractive than your dog or is possibly behind bars. No one likes to admit these things. They are skeletons in the closet. However, this is your ego speaking. Even if that person repulses you now, or stole a car, who cares? There had to be a reason for liking them back in the day. There is nothing wrong with admitting and looking back on those things without regret.

The same thing has to be done with those hair bands. If you don’t like them now, fine. I still think you’re nuts. The catchy melodies in some of those songs are timeless. Who cares if they wore tights and makeup? The music rocked. Either way, admit you had Dr. FeelGood in your very first Walkman. I do, and I am a better person for it. And while you are becoming a fine human being, get in touch with that special someone from the seventh grade. Washtenaw County Jail’s visiting hours are 12-3 Monday through Saturday. MR

This article was published in the 20 January 1999 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 6).
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