Serpent's Tooth

After being rejected from the University, Dan Granger recently announced that he is now applying to Brigham Young. The only problem with his application is that he thought the college was called “Bring ‘em Young.”

Currently, the Supreme Court is hearing the case of a fifth grader suing her school for failing to protect her against sexual harassment. Surprisingly, Dan Granger is not involved.

Interestingly, one of the allegations has already been shown false. Specifically, the girl claims that a classmate grabbed her breasts. Later, this was shown to be impossible, since the girl had no breasts.

With the explosion of acronym-based organization, Serpent’s Tooth would like to give our impressions of what these organizations actually stand for

NFP- Neo-Fascist Party
SAPAC- Sociopaths Advocating Penile Agonizing Castration
AAAJ- Academics Arguing for Archaic Socialist Junk
DAAP- Defending Apartheid Admissions Policies
DPS- Department of Persecuting Sadists
UROP- Useless Researchers on Pot
IFC- Inebriated Fratboy Council
CR- Croquet and Racquetball
LGBT- Lovable Gay Butt Tuggers
BAMN- Bigoted Arrogant Marxist Nimrods
SP- Stupid People (sometimes understatement is the way to go)
AAPD- Authoritarians Against People Drinking
ROTC- Rightists with Over Tight Codpieces
UHS- U Have a “Sickness”
RC- Rejected from College
NWROC- National Whining Rejected Ogres for Communism
CCRB- Credence Clearwater Revival Building
MSA- Maoist Supremacist Assembly
PCC- Politically Correct Communists

Of course, the Review is not immune to this phenomenon. Our MR, appearing at the end of every column obviously denotes the patriarchal nature of this news source.

Word has it the Daily staff has access to a $.45 soda machine in the Students’ Publication Building. Serpent's Tooth hereby demands a mad rush to the cheap pop. Of course, the Review staff has to buy $1.25 sodas at the League gift shop. Just another example of the Administration keeping us down.

Recently Planned Parenthood condemned a rising tide of violence at abortion clinics. We here at the Review are in total agreement, and we condemn all violence at abortion clinics, especially the violence that goes on inside everyday.

It now appears that the Review is engaged in a full scale war with Daily columnist James Miller. Most recently, Miller obliquely referred to the Review in his column by stating the following: “It’s rather like when wimpy, bawling, little monkey boys latch onto conservatism and libertarian journalism to an alarming lack of secondary sex characteristics and the inability to get two dates in a row or get anyone to read their little snot-covered tabloid.” It appears James has been hanging out with other Daily staffers too long, as he now appears unable to even form a coherent sentence. It’s called a comma, James — try using it sometime. By the way, this dig at the Review was in no way connected to Miller’s thesis about the Irish becoming trendy in Hollywood. As if this isn’t bad enough, Maureen Dowd of the New York Times wrote a suspiciously similar column this past summer. Come on James, we expect this kind of hack-work out of Schillaci, but you used to write original stuff.

As the annual MLK day passed, we were treated to another useless rally in favor of racial preferences. Whatever happened to celebrating a man who declared that people be “judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character”?

Several hundred faculty members recently signed a petition supporting affirmative action... it figures they would support a system that is not based on merit, since they’ve been supporting tenure for years...

With Liz Dole entering the presidential race, her husband, former GOP nominee Bob Dole was quoted as saying “Bob Dole would make a damn fine first lady, Bob Dole looks sexy in a dress, Bob Dole knows how to satisfy his president, Bob Dole: First Lady Viagra, vote Bob”

Question: why don’t fraternities shovel their sidewalks?
Answer: All those young strong men aren’t lazy, they’re waiting for sorority girls to get stuck and ask them for help. “Oh.. Bobby my feet are cold, can I come in and warm up?”

In light of the Daily’s recent criticism of the pro-life movement as trivializing the Holocaust, we find it interesting that they have ignored similar offenses from the Left. For example, Uzi Benziman, a columnist for HaAretz, Israel’s leading newspaper, recently used his column to refer to the governing Likud party as “a member of the family of fascist parties, as we have come to understand that term in the 20th century.” Hmmm... a liberal compares Jewish conservatives to the likes of Mussolini and Hitler, yet no protests. Hypocrisy!!!

New Year’s Predictions:

1. Lee "Mop-head" Bollinger will flex his mighty muscles and physically move the Fleming Administration Building to the center of the Diag. He will rename the building "The Jessica Curtin Social Justice Cube," in honor of the newly imprisoned activist.

2. Prince William will be caught with his pants down in the company of Scary Spice, thus sparking an English Civil War, which will conclude with Michael Flatly being crowned the new King of England.

3. Saddam will develop prostate cancer, probably as a result of smuggling too much uranium in little plastic baggies down his pants when U.N. weapons inspectors arrive.

4. The U-M’s computer system will suffer from Year 2000 problems and issue Honorary Degrees to Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny.

This article was published in the 20 January 1999 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 6).
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