New Year's Resolutions

by C.J. Carnacchio

The following is a collection of New Year’s resolutions I have written for various individuals and organizations within the University of Michigan and around the Ann Arbor area. Check to see if you have been denounced. Enjoy!

Frat Boys: We resolve to be more sensitive to our female school chums. (read: Dude, chicks eat that sensitivity crap up like a bulemic at a buffet! We’ll score for sure!) We resolve to limit our alcohol consumption. (read: No more than ten beers and five shots an hour.) We resolve to become refined young gentlemen. (read: Burp! Good one!) We resolve to enchant young ladies with our wit and charm. (read: Roofies, anyone?)

Sorority Girls: Like, we resolve to get, like, straight C+’s this semester, so like, our daddies will replace our lame 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokees with sweet new 1999 Jeep Grand Cherokees. Like, we also, like, resolve to make the guys we, like, sleep with feel less awkward the next morning by, like, introducing ourselves first thing when we wake up. Like, we also, like, resolve to donate our stretched out black pants and belly shirts to our, like, favorite charity, the home for old, washed up, bar bimbos.

The Homeless of Ann Arbor: We resolve to become even more annoying, obnoxious, and smelly during the new year. We also resolve to contribute even less to society than the year before. Now gimme a quarter man! [Personal Note: My solution to the homeless problem is to a) buy them homes and then lock them inside or b) feed the homeless to the homeless.]

Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center: We resolve to give up our man-hating ways. We resolve to find us some decent Joes who will take care of us while we cook their meals and bear their young. We also resolve to try to better emulate our new female hero, Donna Reed. Knitting is more fun than protesting.

Queen Maureen Hartford: I resolve to continue to persecute, I mean, prosecute all Code violators to the fullest extent of my illegitimate power. I resolve to amend the Code to include the right of the University to employ the torture tactics of the Spanish Inquistion when trying a student. I also resolve to finally admit that I am Heinrich Himmler in drag.

Michigan Student Assembly: We resolve to continue our great tradition of incompetence, betrayal, and political prostitution. We resolve to continue to make MSA the best line on our résumés.

The Michigan Daily: We resolv two continue our tradition off journalistiic excelence and keeep the stewdent body well-inform about campuss tissues? (sic)

Jessica “Miss White Liberal Guilt 1998” Curtin: I resolve to become the bitch of the biggest bulldyke in prison so she can protect me during those daily shower brawls.

Free Mumia Coalition: We resolve to get another "political prisoner" to become our cause since our current cause is about to become a human voltage tester for the state of Pennsylvania. By the way, how do you like your Black Panther? Regular or extra-crispy?

Defend Affirmative Action Party (DAAP): We resolve to absorb MSA into the BAMN collective. Resistance is futile! We resolve to have MSA focus on such issues as affirmative action, affirmative action, and not to mention affirmative action.

North Campus Engineers: We resolve to build a life-size, working replica of the space station from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and transport North Campus into outerspace. Once there, we will make William Shatner our king. Live long and prosper.

Lee “Day Dream Believer” Bollinger: I resolve to maintain my nice-guy, man-of-the-people image long enough to declare myself dictator-for-life. Once I’ve seized power, I will crush all dissent with my Department of Public Safety stormtroopers. I also resolve to take Ypsilanti by the spring.

University Admissions: We resolve to continue with our unbiased, color-blind, merit-based admissions process. Ha! Ha! Ha! Had you going there, didn’t we?

Tíos Mexican Restaurant: We resolve to continue using only the highest grade dog food in our cuisine. We also resolve to continue to let radical, lunatic feminist organizations dictate our advertising policies.

Jack “The Hack” Schillaci: I resolve to never again copy one of my columns from a major magazine like George. I further resolve to give up my column and start writing novels. I have this great idea about a one-legged whaling captain who spends his life seeking vengeance on a great white whale. I got the idea from this book I read...

James “Miller on Crap” Miller: I resolve to stop having masturbation fantasies about having a threesome with James Brown and Miles Davis. I also resolve to stop using the term “trouser-snake” in every single column.

Queer Unity Project: We resolve to have a bathroom in Angell Hall renamed the George Michael Memorial Bathroom and Pleasure Palace. We further resolve to thrust forward into the new year while remembering to look behind us to see where we came from. 1999 is going to be rough year, so we’ll have to grab our ankles and hold on.

Ann Arbor Police Department: We resolve to continue doing our best Eliot Ness impressions so we can stamp out the presence of demon rum on campus. We also resolve to continue to follow our motto: “To serve, protect, and scapegoat.” Constitution? We don’t need no stinkin’ Constitution.

Sara “Locked and Bloated” Lockyer: I resolve to like ... um ... like... Oh my God! I totally forgot my resolution! [she then skipped away singing “If I only had a brain” and drinking a Diet Coke.]

Professors of Womyn’s Studies, African-American Studies, and American Culture: We resolve to finally admit that we don’t teach real courses. MR

This article was published in the 20 January 1999 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 6).
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