Men – Good; Media – Bad

by Julie Jeshke

At any weekly Review meeting, I inevitably stick out like a sore thumb; peruse the staff box, and you will see that I am the only female writer on staff. However, with this distinction comes opportunities for insight. The Young Conservative Male might be an enigma to the rest of the world, but not to me. I see them in their natural environment, and I’d like to think that I have a basic understanding of what makes them tick.

The last issue featured a bit of satire by our own Dave Guipe (“Men are from Mars; Women are From Mars, Too, Just Another Part”), which poked fun at females’ obsession with their weight and appearance. An upset reader wrote a letter to the Review, admonishing Dave for not realizing that society causes this complex, and saying the preoccupation in today’s Beauty Culture is justified. I, too, believe it is justified. But I also know that Dave’s satire was completely harmless.

I searched my soul to find the answer to this question: what makes Dave (a young conservative) different from the average lecherous, adulterous, JFK, cheap floozy secretary-dating, intern-seducing liberal? Eureka! He’s a conservative — it was so obvious! Stereotypically speaking, conservatives are “family values” people; the existence of the Moral Right implies the reciprocal existence of the Immoral Left. Granted, men are men, and tend to behave thusly. Regardless of political affiliation, every man is a sucker for a pretty face. But at least conservatives like Bob Dole have the decency to divorce their old wives before selecting the newer model. Bill Clinton’s situation is only a drop in the bucket of collective liberal debauchery.

Conservative males don’t ask much from their women. They don’t expect them to wear fancy clothes, or have elaborate hairstyles — a nice housedress and still-in-curlers hairdo will suffice. Slippers are the footwear of choice, and the money saved on shoes would be better spent on maternity bills, anyway. She doesn’t have to have any special skills beyond being an excellent cook, accountant, housekeeper, driver (she’ll be driving the kids to school every day), masseuse, etc., etc., but they do expect her to maintain an immaculate house and devote all her spare time to the happiness of her husband and children. It’s really not much to ask, especially when considering the alternative.

The filthy, sneaky liberal wants all the same things from his spouse, but lacks the emotional security or gall to demand them. Instead, he finds himself paying for her manicures, pedicures, facials, personal trainers, cosmetics, cosmetic surgery, designer clothing, (you get the idea), eating take-out nightly, paying for surrogate children (genetically-engineered, naturally) and day-care while Ms. Hyphenated Name climbs the corporate ladder: the woman wears the pants in a liberal household. The children eventually end up stealing the pants from their mother, having both parents wrapped around their chubby, juvenile fingers. The liberal can’t expect anything from his wife, for she expects him to meet her standards (or she’ll file for divorce). He would rather pay for her liposuction than face her wrath.

But I digress. To avoid hate-mail from angry, decent liberal men, I must now stress that I was being completely sarcastic in the two preceeding paragraphs. After making the seemingly obvious liberal=pervert connection, I planned to point out the evils of these future lechers, while praising the virtuous conservative man. But I then realized with my minority-induced insight that all men are equal. Dirty jokes, lewd comments, and testosterone follow them wherever they go — even to Review meetings. It doesn’t make sense to stereotype men based on politics, for they are all pigs. Or monkeys. Don’t misunderstand me — I love them, despite their porcine tendencies. They can’t help it and we shouldn't blame them for causing the beauty complex, simply because they appreciate beauty. Blame it on the media. Our culture has dodgy methods for defining the word “beautiful,” and it always sets this standard miles above the average Jane. Men seem to have their preferences established well before the media tries to insert its meathooks, and this is their alibi. It’s easy to blame The Man for women’s insecurities, but I think that’s an ugly thing to do. MR

This article was published in the 20 January 1999 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 6).
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