The Gweepmeister's Guide to Online Dating

by Dave Guipe

"I would go out with you, but you’re just so damn ugly!” Yes, just one of many responses that you’ve received while attempting to get a date for Saturday night. You’ve tried everything, from wearing trendy clothing to stuffing tube socks down your pants, but nothing seems to work! You’re probably ready to shoot yourself in the face. After all, it couldn’t make you any less attractive, right?

If you’re feeling any or all of these sentiments right now, then you probably need to start getting out more. Right now you’re probably thinking "But El Señor Guípe, you don’t understand. I mean, I know that all the women must flock around a cool, happenin’ guy like you. But I couldn’t get a date if my life depended on it! Help me, Señor, you’re my only hope!"

Well, all right, if you insist. But the only reason I’m helping you is because I feel sorry for you because you’re so damn ugly. So here’s my advice... there is a place to meet girls that is perfect for a guy like you. A place where you will not be judged by your morbid obesity, your huge nose, or your social ineptitude. It is a magical place, and it’s called...

The Internet.

Yes, picking up girls online. It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure. And with the introduction of such online tools as the AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), the girl of your dreams could be at your fingertips (No pun intended. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course the pun was intended!) It seems that everyone and his brother has one of these AIM accounts, which means that finding girls on AIM shouldn’t be a problem. The real trick, of course, is not finding the girls, but picking them up once you’ve found them. So, in order to help you, my loyal readers, better understand how this is done, I will present you with the following sample AIM conversation between an online girl and myself.

ElSenorGuipe: Hello.

Ruby1542389: Hi. Who are you?

ElSenorGuipe: Why, I am El Seor  

Gupe, a student at... hang on, I can’t get the squiggly lines and stuff to work...

Ruby1542389: You mean the tilde?

ElSenorGuipe: No, the squiggly line! Hehe, tilde... that’s a funny word. Ø, d’oh! Oh well, I guess it’s useless. Just call me Dave.

Ruby1542389: Umm... hi.

ElSenorGuipe: I’m a student at the University of Michigan, and writer extraordinare!

Ruby1542389: Uh.. that’s nice. Are you in a frat?

ElSenorGuipe: Um, no.

Ruby1542389: Do you play a sport?

ElSenorGuipe: Does “Magic: The Gathering” count?

Ruby1542389: Umm... I gotta go.

El Senor Guipe: Wait, you wanna go out sometime?

* * * USER “Ruby1542389” IS NOT AVAILABLE * * *

Can you identify what I did wrong? That’s right, I told the truth! Remember, telling the truth is the last thing that you should do when picking up girls online. Now, I’m not saying that you should blatantly lie, but there are ways of twisting the truth to your advantage. As my grandpa once said, figures don’t lie, liars figure. Let’s go on to another example.

ElSenorGuipe: That’s right, I go to U of             M.

Erin2544555: Really? You must be pretty             smart then.

El Senor Guipe: I’d like to think so.

Erin2544555: So, um, what do you look             like?

El Senor Guipe: Well, I’m 5’11”, and I have blond hair and blue eyes.

Note that everything I told our friend Erin is indeed true. I really am 5’11”, I really do have blond hair and blue eyes, and I like to think that I’m smart! Of course, this description could easily fit about ten million people, from Leonardo DiCaprio to Chris Farley. But Erin is not thinking about that. She is instead imagining herself partaking in a Night–o–Fun with this mysterious guy she’s met online. Realizing that you have this girl wrapped around your little finger, you’d better make sure that you actually want to go through with this before proceeding any further. I mean, as far as you know, Erin might in actuality be a forty year old guy who lives with his mom and spends all of his free time playing “Magic: The Gathering.” Or she could be some X-Files obsessed pre-teen posing as a college student! There is only one way you can be sure that Erin is indeed the eighteen year old vixen that she claims to be:

ElSenorGuipe: Wait a minute! You’re not some forty year old guy who lives with his mom, are you?

Erin2544555: No.

ElSenorGuipe: Okay, just checking.

Now that that’s cleared up, it’s time to go in for the kill.

ElSenorGuipe: So, how about catching dinner and a movie this Saturday?

Erin2544555: Well, you sound normal. Sure, why not?

Woohoo! Voila — you’ve got a date for Saturday night. And the best part is, once she finds out what a disgusting slob you are, it’ll be too late! So go to it, and May the Force be With You! MR

El Senor Guipe is the arts editor of the Review, and welcomes any and all readers to IM him at any time. By any and all readers, he means the female ones.                                                                                                                                   

I would go out with
you, but you’re just so damn ugly!” Yes, just one of many responses that you’ve received while attempting to get a date for Saturday night. You’ve tried everything, from wearing trendy clothing to stuffing tube socks down your pants, but nothing seems to work! You’re probably ready to shoot yourself in the face. After all, it couldn’t make you any less attractive, right?

If you’re feeling any or all of these sentiments right now, then you probably need to start getting out more. Right now you’re probably thinking "But El Señor Guípe, you don’t understand. I mean, I know that all the women must flock around a cool, happenin’ guy like you. But I couldn’t get a date if my life depended on it! Help me, Señor, you’re my only hope!"

Well, all right, if you insist. But the only reason I’m helping you is because I feel sorry for you because you’re so damn ugly. So here’s my advice... there is a place to meet girls that is perfect for a guy like you. A place where you will not be judged by your morbid obesity, your huge nose, or your social ineptitude. It is a magical place, and it’s called...

The Internet.

Yes, picking up girls online. It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure. And with the introduction of such online tools as the AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), the girl of your dreams could be at your fingertips (No pun intended. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course the pun was intended!) It seems that everyone and his brother has one of these AIM accounts, which means that finding girls on AIM shouldn’t be a problem. The real trick, of course, is not finding the girls, but picking them up once you’ve found them. So, in order to help you, my loyal readers, better understand how this is done, I will present you with the following sample AIM conversation between an online girl and myself.

ElSenorGuipe: Hello.

Ruby1542389: Hi. Who are you?

ElSenorGuipe: Why, I am El Seor  

Gupe, a student at... hang on, I can’t get the squiggly lines and stuff to work...

Ruby1542389: You mean the tilde?

ElSenorGuipe: No, the squiggly line! Hehe, tilde... that’s a funny word. Ø, d’oh! Oh well, I guess it’s useless. Just call me Dave.

Ruby1542389: Umm... hi.

ElSenorGuipe: I’m a student at the University of Michigan, and writer extraordinare!

Ruby1542389: Uh.. that’s nice. Are you in a frat?

ElSenorGuipe: Um, no.

Ruby1542389: Do you play a sport?

ElSenorGuipe: Does “Magic: The Gathering” count?

Ruby1542389: Umm... I gotta go.

El Senor Guipe: Wait, you wanna go out sometime?

* * * USER “Ruby1542389” IS NOT AVAILABLE * * *

Can you identify what I did wrong? That’s right, I told the truth! Remember, telling the truth is the last thing that you should do when picking up girls online. Now, I’m not saying that you should blatantly lie, but there are ways of twisting the truth to your advantage. As my grandpa once said, figures don’t lie, liars figure. Let’s go on to another example.

ElSenorGuipe: That’s right, I go to U of             M.

Erin2544555: Really? You must be pretty             smart then.

El Senor Guipe: I’d like to think so.

Erin2544555: So, um, what do you look             like?

El Senor Guipe: Well, I’m 5’11”, and I have blond hair and blue eyes.

Note that everything I told our friend Erin is indeed true. I really am 5’11”, I really do have blond hair and blue eyes, and I like to think that I’m smart! Of course, this description could easily fit about ten million people, from Leonardo DiCaprio to Chris Farley. But Erin is not thinking about that. She is instead imagining herself partaking in a Night–o–Fun with this mysterious guy she’s met online. Realizing that you have this girl wrapped around your little finger, you’d better make sure that you actually want to go through with this before proceeding any further. I mean, as far as you know, Erin might in actuality be a forty year old guy who lives with his mom and spends all of his free time playing “Magic: The Gathering.” Or she could be some X-Files obsessed pre-teen posing as a college student! There is only one way you can be sure that Erin is indeed the eighteen year old vixen that she claims to be:

ElSenorGuipe: Wait a minute! You’re not some forty year old guy who lives with his mom, are you?

Erin2544555: No.

ElSenorGuipe: Okay, just checking.

Now that that’s cleared up, it’s time to go in for the kill.

ElSenorGuipe: So, how about catching dinner and a movie this Saturday?

Erin2544555: Well, you sound normal. Sure, why not?

Woohoo! Voila — you’ve got a date for Saturday night. And the best part is, once she finds out what a disgusting slob you are, it’ll be too late! So go to it, and May the Force be With You!

El Senor Guipe is the arts editor of the Review, and welcomes any and all readers to IM him at any time. By any and all readers, he means the female ones.