Serpent's Tooth 11-17-99

5. Israelis invited, but told they would need to place Israeli display in the middle of a mock Mediterranean Sea.

4. Israelis invited, but told country would have be called “The facist, racist and murderous Zionist entity.”

3. Jews already represented by the “Accuse a 90 Year Old Blind Rabbi of Spying Booth” in the Iranian display.

2. Palestinian exhibit kept demanding more and more of Israel’s space until the latter ceased to exist at all.

1. Israeli exhibit kept getting mysteriously blown up.  

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Last week, Serpent’s Tooth were delighted to spot Bram “Rhymes with Mom” Elias, Andy “Clitorous,” and various other MSA thugs  and Blue Party members protesting a meeting of the College Republicans. “Ooh!” we thought aloud. “A protest by my beloved government!” In fact, we even saw the elusive MSA Rep. Peter Handler, in the flesh! He was visibly excited, and holding his big, long, hard... picket sign. We were dismayed to see Blue’s little protest broken up when the other boys in blue (the ones with guns) showed up in riot gear. We were also quite dismayed that we forgot our camera in the office. Oh, if only you could have seen the look on Peter Handler’s face when the authorities showed up... he thought he would be arrested for indecent exposure! Serpent’s would hereby like to offer our congratulations to this group of delinquents, headed up by the same person who leads another group of deliquents every Tuesday in the MSA chambers. Thanks, guys, for making this
sooooooo easy.

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President Clinton is warning Israel not to sell military technology to Communist China. Unfortunately, Clinton made the demand not out of disgust against the Reds’ brutal oppression of their own people, but with the claim that “Dammit, if someone is going to profit from the coming invasion of Taiwan, it oughta be the U.S.!”  

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Last Monday and Tuesday, the Review spent all day in the Fishbowl manning an information table and selling copies of the book Hating Whitey. During the fourteen hours or so that we manned the table, roughly 50 people stopped by to buy the book, ask questions, or ask to join the staff of the Review. We were somewhat discouraged by this low turnout, until we recognized that was about 50 more visitors than the BAMN table next to us received.  

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It seems that occassional Review contributor Chip Englander is running for LSA Student Government. We applaud his platform, which includes such overdue tasks as “improving dorm food” and lengthening the open hours at the CCRB... Too bad LSA-SG only handles curriculm issues, and has no authority in these matters. Oops.  

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UCLA is trying to change its mascot, Oski, claiming he’s too pudgy. We suggest that he stop hanging around freshmen girls.

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Real AOL News headline: “Sources: Reich To Endorse Bradley.” This is bad news for Gore, who seemed certain to win the Nazi vote.  

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The television today seems to be an educational vacuum with a rating system serving as little more than a violence meter. As such, we as a society should rate shows by their educational value for our youth. This point is blatantly obvious due to such shows as “When Good Pets Go Bad 2.” The initial warning of “due to some violent content, parental discretion is advised” is not only vague, but misleading! Because of this hasty label, the true educational value of “When Good Pets Go Bad 2” is quickly disregarded. What better educational tool is there to teach children such valuable life lessons as:

• Do not set a bull on fire and then play with it afterwards.

• Do not open up your groin to a venomous snake.

• Do not interview a lion or bear tamer on television. Ever.

• The polar bear probably doesn’t want to play.

• People can be food too.

• Tranquilizer darts can be used to solve pretty much any problem.

The show even uses such friendly characters as Santa Claus to teach children valuable lessons such as “Do not encroach upon a reindeer in heat” and “Do not call for help when being gored by saying ‘ho ho ho ho help!’"

It is because parents can not find good, wholesome educational entertainment for their children that American youth has in many cases fallen behind children in other countries. For example, observe the inherent educational value of watching a bull frantically fight for its life with a set of spurs embedded in its ribs, or two male horses biting and kicking each other. “When Good Pets Go Bad 2” informs the average American of their own cultural void.

This time Fox definitely has a winner, and they’re not the only ones who benefit; every American wins.