Bollinger unveils new admissions plan

by Jack Kass
Delay Staff Reporter

University President Lee Bollinger today announced a controversial new two-phase plan aimed at correcting past discrimination. Under the first part of the proposal, grades, high school activities, and standardized test scores will cease to count in admissions decisions. Instead, the University will admit anyone within a given range of Social Security numbers each year. In the first year, all applicants whose last four digits in their Social Security number fall between 0000 and 1500 will be offered admission, followed by 1500-3000 and up until cycling around again. “The time has come when universities must stop discriminating on the basis of intelligence and work ethic, and make amends to those its has wrongly excluded in the past,” said Bollinger. “This plan marks a good first step, as part of the implementation of my Master Plan.”

The second part involves activist work on behalf of those intellectually less fortunate. Under the proposal, students who fail to pass Gov. Engler’s proposed minimum high school graduation standards, will be granted an additional .3 points on their GPA. Furthermore, the U-M will instruct Professors not to grade according to a “subjective, intelligence-based formula,” but rather adopt “universal standards” in curving tests.

“Despite our highest efforts, mentally deficient students continue to underperform in classes. Hopefully, this new affirmative initiative will enable professors to consider globalism, not study-centrism in assigning marks,” Bollinger said.

Although the University has yet to define “universal standards,” methods being considered include a blind lottery, alphabetical order, and hair style.

But Theodore Runningtree, President of the Washtenaw Native American Tribe, doesn’t like the new poprosal. “First People are 0.7% of Michigan, but only 0.5% of the target admission group in the first year. Bollinger is sending out a message large and clear: no red men wanted.”

Similarly, Enrico Lopez of Alalanza argues, “Bollinger’s plan discriminates on the basis of citizenship. Michigan has many bright, talented illegal aliens, who won’t get admitted because they don’t have Social Security numbers.”

English Professor Karl Katz thinks that the new plan might make a U-M degree less valuable.

“Sure, they’ll get a degree, but what employer will hire somebody who can’t read?” stated English Professor Karl Katz.

Following Katz’s announced opposition to the plan, 400 students from Defending Incompotent Students By Any Means Necessary marched on Katz’s office and demanded his resignation.

According to a printed statement released by Chapter President Cessica Jurtin, “Katz is saying that we don’t belong here. He needs to be honest. He doesn’t wear a suit, he wears a white sheet and likes to burn crosses on Friday nights.” Jurtin also plans to petition the U-M to remove Katz’s name from a West Quad Reading Room. “How can we be honoring a announced brain-centerist, when we have better figuree to honor?”

Among the list Jurtin provided include former U-M student Ted Kaczynski, TV personality Homer Simpson, and former US Vice President Dan Quayle.

Bollinger responded to the criticism by arguing the University will still remain competitive. “Right now we only reject 40% of our applicants. Under this proposal, 85% of possible students are immediately disqualified each year. That figure places the University of Michigan near the pinnacle of our nation's elite universities.”

In addition, Bollinger, paraphrasing an old Doonesbury cartoon, argued “This University has principles. And if we lose our accredition, that will be a small price to pay.” Bollinger insists he will fight to implement the rest of the Master Plan, including “balancing the GSI pool by eliminating the remaining two English speakers.”

This article was published in the 1 April 1999 edition of the Michigan Delay.