Crime Notes
Student found in dorm room
A female student was found in her dorm room Tuesday night.
A report was filed.
Hash Bash organizer disappears
in pants
Edward Throckmorton, a leading proponent and organizer of the Hash Bash, was reported missing today. “We’re looking all over, but we think he put his giant, ugly pants on incorrectly, causing him to get completely lost within them,” said William S. Burroughs, DPS Officer.
Throckmorton has disappeared into his giant, ugly pants once before. A crack team of firefighters and local policeman managed to extract him after a tense few days, much to the relief of his parents.
Newspaper columnist whiny, defensive
A male Delay columist became extremely petulant and whiny last semester after realizing that his chosen major will eventually lead him not into the fabulous world of jazz music, but instead into the completely unfabulous world of cleaning supplies and toilet scrubbing.
In a desperate attempt for attention, he lashed out at some respected campus publications impotently until last week, when he finally called DPS, suicidal.
DPS recommended counseling and shaving his silly beard. A report was filed.
BAMN leader frightens thousands
DPS received approximately 2,500 calls last week from frightened, nay, terrified students who had unwittingly witnessed the horrifying specter of Cessica Jurtin’s “smile” featured upon the back page of the Delay.
“I mean, really, what the hell is that?” questioned LSA senior Mike Chu. “It looks like she’s a baby with gas or something. Horrifying.”
Approximately 2,500 reports were filed.
Student found speaking Latin in Modern Language Building
A disoriented student was
found speaking Latin in the MLB on Tuesday. An officer from DPS
was called to the scene and asked the student, “Don’t
you know that Latin is a dead language, son?” He was
escorted from the building and given twenty lashes with a wet
noodle.
— Compiled by Delay Staff Reporter Mike Rotch.
This article was published in the 1 April 1999 edition of the Michigan Delay.