From the Delay

Meat is really bad
SAUSAGE protests presence of meet at 'U'

For the past couple of decades, University of Michigan students have enjoyed the ability to obtain fast food from restaurants located in the University’s Unions: the Michigan Union, Michigan League, and Pierpont Commons. Establishments such as Wendy’s, Little Caesar’s, Subway, and Wok Express have provided students with a place to get quick food between classes, and escape the monotony of dorm cuisine.

However, this convenience has come with a price. Unbeknownst to students, a sinister killer has been stalking them every day — saturated fat and cholesterol from the burgers, subs and pizzas purchased in University Unions. Our seemingly harmless restaurants are willingly poisoning ‘U’ students in pursuit of the almighty dollar.

This is an outrage. The University has a solemn responsibility to protect the hearts and arteries of its students, yet so far it has failed to act. Fortunately, a student group calling themselves Students Against Underhanded Serving of Animals’ Greasy Edibles (SAUSAGE) has taken a stand against this abdication of duty by the administration. Last week, SAUSAGE penetrated the Fleming Building and held a valiant 36 hour sit-in in the office of University President Lee Bollinger, and proceeded to fill the entire building with the powerful stench of rotting raw beef.

Hopefully, the administration will realize that any attempt to beat SAUSAGE is doomed to fail. The University must act now to eject the evil artery-clogging capitalist pig fast-food restaurants from campus. Only by accomplishing this will the ‘U’ save its students from a future of heart attacks, strokes, and needless loss of life.

This article was published in the 1 April 1999 edition of the Michigan Delay.