Dirk Schwartz III
May the Schwartz Be With You

Why can't we all be naked again?

I often find myself thinking about the old days. The days when I was youngand naive without a care in the world. Everyone thinks about the old days sometimes. I think it’s because everyone has old days that they like to think about.

Our old days are our childhood. When we were children, we used to laugh and play and run around and run through the sprinklers naked, laughing. We used to jump up and down and jump rope and play hopskotch on the playground.

We used to eat lots of food without worrying about gaining weight or getting fat and ugly. Have you ever noticed how everyone nowadays tries not to eat a lot of food? They don’t want to gain weight or get fat and ugly. But still, there are lots of fat and ugly people around. So it's all just a bunch of bullshit.

We also never wondered about anything. Like now, we have to wonder about lots of stuff. I don’t care about having to know why we got into the first world war or the second one or the third or whatever. I want to know fun things like why is the sky blue. Fun things like that. But they don’t teach you why is the sky blue in History class.

I remember one time when I was about 5 years old. I remember that I was sitting in the living room watching TV and the Flinnstones was on and Barney Rubble said something about dinosaurs. And you know he said it in his “Hey hey hey!” voice that was sort of like Yogi Bear’s but not really.

I sometimes think that Barney is a lot like Yogi Bear with the picnic baskets and such, but then I realized that Barney doesn’t have none picknet baskits. But the subject at hand was, Barney was saying that dinosaurs are a lot like pets and cars where they live. And I didn’t think about it back then but now I am left to wonder: why can’t we have dinosaurs as pets and cars nowadays?

It’s because of things like society and the envierment that we don’t have dinosaurs anymore. And that’s upsetting to me. Because if we don’t have dinosaurs then what’s next: air? or maybe oxegin?

I am really afraid that they will take away my favourite food that i ever had, it was food that I ate when I was tripping in New Orlenes, I mean taking a trip like vacationing, I don’t mean like “taking a trip’ like how that person one time with the diamonds, how she touched the sky in that song. It was called Chicken and Anduwilly Sausage Gumbo and it was by far the best thing I have ever eatened. But what if they take that away, huh? What’s next after that? Air? Huh? You see my point I think, mmmmm-hmm.

It could be anything so we have to let the Administration and the people know that we just aren’t going to take it anymore. We have to stand up and take a stand. We can march right over to Bollinger’s office, and hold a sit-in. And we will not move until that asshole promises that there will be no more air pollution or enviernment problems. I want to be able to sit there and do my homework and go to classes and run through the sprinklers naked again without worry about things and stuff, don’t you think so to?

Because maybe then, we will get to maybe have what we could have had if we were how we used to be. Because maybe then, maybe it would all work out.

— Dirk Schwartz III can be reached at JerkMyDirk@umich.edu

This article was published in the 1 April 1999 edition of the Michigan Delay.