'U' missed Pope's visit
by Amanda Huginkiss
Delay Staff Reporter
In a remarkably unpublicized
visit to U of M last week, Pope John Paul II addressed the
student body and reprimanded them for the downward-spiraling
spiritual state of America’s youth. “You are all going
to Hell,” preached the aging Catholic Pontiff. He lectured
on such topics as homosexuality, birth control, and binge
drinking, condemning our generation for wayward behavior.
However, he stressed that there was still hope, “If you will
simply repent and be sprinkled on the head with water, your place
in Heaven is reserved.”
Diag personality Preacher Mike disrupted the event, claiming that the Pope was “preaching garbage” and “infringing on [my] turf” and described Catholicism as "saint-loving idol worship." Eye-witnesses say that the two holy men began preaching at each other in a bizarre manner that mimicked the tone of swearing, yet “sounded oddly scriptural.” Mike condemned John Paul on his elaborate dress and fancy jewelry, while the Pope chastized Mike for his “Protestant Satanism,” to which Mike replied, “Thou art the whore of Babylon.” DPS broke up the fight and turned over both men to the AAPD.
Preacher Mike was no the only observer, angered by the Pope's visit. Representatives from gay and women's groups also protested.President Lee Bollinger said that he did not want students to know about the Pope’s visit. He noted that he wanted to keep the Pope’s uninvited visit “as quiet and smooth as possible,” implying that non-Catholic groups could be offended. “We sure are fucking offended!” shouted a student during the last-minute LGBT protest, “They have absolutely no right to bring the Pope to this campus. We’ve bought and paid for this place with the blood of Liberalism! Who gave God the right to tell me who I can and can't date?” A female member of NWROC was in tears because, quote, “I want to be the Pope, but society won’ t let me because I’m a woman! That’s sexist.”
This article was published in the 1 April 1999 edition of the Michigan Delay.