Delay Arts

Shakespeare in hate: two hours worth of vomit

by B. Jeweled Barrette
Delay Arts Writer

Okay, so I’ve never actually seen Shakespeare in Love. That doesn’t mean that I don’t already know what it’s about, so I’m going to review it anyway, because I want to, and as a Delay Arts writer, I have absolute power and permission to be as pompous as I want.

I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Just the mention of her name makes my skin crawl. No one else in the media will admit it because everyone is supposed to love Golden Gwynnie. But not me—B. Jeweled Barrette fears no one, let alone a six-foot beanpole who weighs less than a twelve year-old.

Like I said before, the movie is predictable. A lonely William Shakespeare is having bad luck with his plays—he needs a woman for inspiration. Who should appear, accompanied by a choir of Heaven’s angels, but Gwyneth Paltrow, given the beautiful name of “Violet.” Ah... What ever happened to, “Violet, you’re turning violet, Violet!” If only she would turn violet. Instead, she is treated like a china doll in the movie, being dressed up in the most extravagant costumes you could imagine. And I know this from seeing the posters and trailers. Even those were too much. Bind her bony body up in a corset, slap on a ton of makeup, and boom! You’ve got a beautiful actress.

I say “actress” with sarcasm. Gwyneth’s ability to do a good British accent is often confused with a good acting ability (and anyone can fake an accent with the right vocal coach). Yeah, sure I’ve never seen her in a movie, but I just know this. It’s so obvious! She has no talent, and is merely a pretty face who can be dressed up, and undressed. Takes a lot of skill.

She’s got the Academy fooled as well. Don't get me wrong—I didn’t even watch the Oscars, but people told me about how lovely and emaciated she looked in the pink dress that cost more than most people’s cars, and how she “almost cried.” I almost broke down and saw this movie the other day, but the thought of fighting back the vomit for two hours was too much.

Don’t go see this movie: you will only be inflating Gwyneth’s mammoth ego. Boycott Ms. Paltrow, and join me in protesting the use of talentless actresses who bring nothing to films besides something nice to look at. She may have bewitched America, but I still hate her.

This article was published in the 1 April 1999 edition of the Michigan Delay.