MSA outlaws wra

by Aristotle Testicules
Delay Staff Reporter

After two hours of debate last night, the Michigan Student Assembly (MSA) passed a resolution to outlaw war.

Following the vote, MSA Peace and Social Justice Chair Jessica Curtain, who authored the resolution, declared “I’m proud that MSA has returned to the activist arena. If previous assemblies had displayed the courage we showed tonight, a century of countless bloodshed and U$ imperiali$m could have been avoided. This resolution will save millions of lives.”

MSA President Sarah Chop of the Students’ Party concurred, commenting “How can MSA not stand against the greatest travesty in human history?”

Chop also castigated the five representatives who voted against the resolution, arguing that “they lack the spine needed to make change.

In accordance with the measure, MSA voted to fund a $15,000 “peace mission” to Kosovo.

“We’re sure that once both Serbians and Ethnic Albanians here of our resolution, they will return to the peace of a decade ago,” Curtain said, “after all, four-hundred years of ethnic hatred won’t end on its own.”

MSA also agreed to send Reps. Curtain and Erica Dowdell as its spokespeople for the trip.

Engineering Rep. Dave Burten, an opponent of the original resolution, questioned funding the mission.

“Even if the Kosovo mission succeeds, do the peace moderators really need a three day stopover in Paris?”

However, the Assembly overrode Burten’s objections when Dowdell pointed out that the stopover would also them to consult and assist French autoworkers, in their strike against Renault.

In other news, MSA also passed resolutions supporting China’s right to steal U$ nuclear technology, declaring Jane Fonda the greatest actress in American history, and attacking gravity as “a figment of the capitalist patriarchy.”

This article was published in the 1 April 1999 edition of the Michigan Delay.