Take MSA Seriously

by Dave Guipe

Well, the MSA elections are over and we’ve all seen the shocking results. Okay, we haven’t all seen the shocking results. As far as I know, there might not even be any shocking results. Hey, it’s not my fault that this issue went to print before the results were announced. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that no matter what the results are, the outcome will be pretty much the same in the long run. MSA will continue to do what it does best: nothing.

Of course, all of this could be avoided if the students of this grand university would elect candidates to office who actually care about the problems facing this university today. The students need a candidate who will look out for the concerns of the student population. A candidate who is intelligent, witty, and just an all around great guy. Therefore, I hereby announce my candidacy for the presidency of MSA.

Right now, you probably have tons of questions to ask of your favorite satirist/presidential candidate. Hopefully, I’ll be able to address all of them in the following Q & A segment, entitled “Ask the Guy who Knows Stuff.”

Q: You’re running for president of MSA? What do you know about governing?

A: That’s the best part! I know absolutely nothing about governing! Unlike those other candidates, who will use their political tact to deceive the masses, I’ll be far too ignorant to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes.

Q: Kind of like Jimmy Carter?

A: Exactly!

Q: Okay, so what’s your agenda?

A: Huh?

Q: What do you plan on doing as president of MSA?

A: I thought you’d never ask. As president of MSA, I will see to it that all of the university’s greatest problems are addressed.

Q: What are the university’s greatest problems?

A: Oh, there are tons of them, like, uh, you know, the shortage of, uh, and then there’s, uh…

Q: Do you have ANY idea as to what’s going on at this university?

A: No, but that’s the best part! Unlike those other candidates, who will use their “knowledge” to manipulate the facts, I have no clue as to what the issues even are.

Q: Kind of like Jimmy Carter?

A: Exactly!

Q: Okay, how about this? Just give me one, that’s right, one goal that you have as president of MSA.

A: I want to see a new type of regent.

Q: Ah, you must be referring to the idea of putting a student on the Board of Regents?

A: No, I don’t want to have a Student Regent, I want to have a Monkey Regent.

Q: A Monkey Regent?

A: Yes. Just imagine how hilarious it would be to have a Monkey Regent! He could be named “Bosco,” he could wear a suit, he could disrupt board meetings by spontaneously screaming, it would be a riot!

Q: That is pretty funny. What else do you plan on doing?

A: Well, you know how everybody’s always talking about how they’d like to see James Earl Jones take the place of the CRISP lady? I’ve got a better idea. I want to see the CRISP lady cast as Darth Vader in the upcoming Star Wars movies. That way, she can say cool things like, “If you would like to join the Dark Side, press one.”

Q: Do you have any goals that are even remotely relevant to the lives of the student population?

A: ……..

Q: Well?

A: I’m thinking, I’m thinking!

Q: Do you really expect the students to vote for a candidate who has no experience, no knowledge of the issues, and whose main goal is to put a monkey on the Board of Regents?

A: Uh, did I mention that I also plan to lobby for a fall break, cut student fees, increase spending, abolish the Code, and build a literal bridge to the 21st Century using styrofoam and shiny, silver duct tape.

Q: Well then, I guess the choice is clear.

A: You bet it is. Besides, I’m faithful to my wife.

Q: You don’t HAVE a wife.

A: Well then I can’t cheat on her, can I?

So, when election day rolls around, I expect to see you all at the polls voting for the only candidate who has the guts to admit that he is completely clueless: Dave Guipe. MSA will never be the same. MR

This article was published in the 31 March 1999 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 9).
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