Serpent's Tooth

In the brief time the “Conflict in Kosovo” has been happening, U.S. Air Force pilots have already coined a special song to tell of their unhappiness with the mission:

(Sung to the tune from the chorus of “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys)

Serbia, Croatia, ooh I wanna take ya
To the Balkans, we’re talkin’,
Milosevic we’re stalkin’,
Some smart bombs, from NATO,
Oooooooh, we’re supersonic over Kosovo,
We fly there fast and then we bomb ‘em slow,
That’s where we don’t wanna go,
Way over Kosovo...

Speaking of Kosovo, you can be assured that it is an official war — CNN has come up with theme music and the requisite ominous sounding name:

“Crisis in Kosovo.” However, Serpent’s Tooth prefers the moniker that Comedy Central’s The Daily Show has given to the war: “Kick in the Balkans.”

Since the “sexual McCarthyist witch-hunt” (oops, we mean impeachment) didn’t work against Bill Clinton, we would like to suggest a new idea for getting rid of the slimeball: reinstitute the draft to provide cannon fodder for Serbian guns. The minute he hears about that, he’ll be across the Canadian border faster than you can say “paternity suit.”

Well, you have to hand it to the MSU Spartans. After losing to Duke in the Final Four last week, dejected Spartan fans took the streets of East Lansing to do what they do best: loot, pillage and burn. Yes, our modern-day Vikings from East Lansing, whether happy or sad, always seem to be able to express their emotions in a very simple fashion: property destruction. Go State!

It appears that MIM Notes, the ever-amusing vanguard publication of the proletariat, has once again taken interest in the Review. In response to our recent article exposing the idiocy of Free Mumia groups, MIM Notes ran an article entitled “University of Michigan right wing goes after MIM Notes over Mumia Abu-Jamal case.” We were disappointed to see that the folks at MIM couldn’t come up with one of those clever Marxist names for our paper, such as the “MichiKlan Review.”
Another interesting feature we discovered in MIM Notes was the “Maoist Movie Reviews.” A representative example from their review of Disney’s A Bug’s Life:

“Disney and Pixar’s A Bug’s Life has a good side and a bad side. The good side is that it portrays the successful collective struggle of the apparently weak oppressed and exploited (in this case, the ant colony) against the apparently strong oppressors and exploiters (in this case, a band of grasshoppers). So it could be used as a parable about the struggle against u.$. imperialism.”

Yes, we’re sure that’s exactly what the good folks at Disney had in mind, too. In the next MIM Notes, look for a review of Cinderella as representing the plight of the urban proletariat, with the ugly stepsisters playing the parts of the evil capitalist pigs, and Prince Charming symbolizing the irresistibly seductive values of the petty bourgeousie.

Recently Serpent’s Tooth spied an interesting flyer on kiosks around campus. It read as follows:

“Fourteen half-naked, wet girls looking to score. Where are you going to be Friday night?”

Unfortunately, before we could get too excited thinking that this was some sorority public-service announcement, we discovered to our dismay that the flyer was only advertising a U-M Women’s Water Polo match. Nice try, ladies...

As part of their campaign efforts in the recent MSA elections, members of the Blue Party actually handed out official Blue Party condoms, with the slogan, “Help student government reach its climax —vote Blue Party” written on the packaging. Serpent’s Tooth recently obtained a copy of other potential slogans that were rejected by the Blue Party folks…

Rejected Blue Party Condom Slogans:

5. F**k the Students’ Party, Vote Blue
4. Winning the support of all the “peter handlers”
3. Preventing the next generation of SP leadership
2. Bram uses Blue, so should you!
1. Warning: Not to be used to hop on Chopp

Recently, Vice President Al “Al” Gore was heard making the claim that he was responsible for the creation of the Internet. If this campaign strategy works, it won’t be long before other politicians are seen using this very technique. Pretty soon, Governor Jesse “The Mind” Ventura will take responsibility for the invention of those big foam fingers that fans of pro wrestling know and love, Gary Bauer will proclaim himself the founder of Christianity, and Ross Perot will prove, using various charts, that he is, in fact, the creator of the known universe.

In 1979, presidential candidate Ronald Reagan remarked that “killer trees” were the source of much global pollution, winning the scorn of the media elite. Well, ring one up for the Gipper. As the Wall Street Journal of March 16th reports, conclusive scientific evidence now proves that trees are one of the largest producers of smog. Similarly, Serpent’s Tooth has learned that in the next edition of Webster’s Dictionary, the editors will reveal that, in fact, potato is spelled with an “e.”

Just when we were starting to like Daily bigwig Jeff Kosseff, he goes ahead and joins the ranks of those who have bashed the Review in print. Perhaps it’s some sort of initiation ritual over there at the Student Publications Building — insult us while running naked from the Batcave to the 45-cent pop machine and back, in the time it takes for the Bell Tower to strike twelve times. In any case, Kosseff had better work hard to get back on our good side... he is well on his way to filling the soon-to-be vacated spot of Daily whipping boy.

This article was published in the 31 March 1999 edition of The Michigan Review (Volume 17, Number 9).
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