The Best Bars of Ann Arbor

By Captain C.J. Carnacchio

This column is dedicated to all those totalitarian university bureaucrats and local and state authorities who wish to revive the temperance movement. May the spirit of Al Capone rise up to crush the spirit of Carrie Nation.

As Benjamin Franklin once said, "There can't be good Living where there is not good Drinking." I quite agree. Unfortunately, living in a college town where the students' taste (or lack thereof) affects the nature of the bar scene, it can be tough for the true alcohol aficionado to find refuge. Fear not, my fellow high-class boozers, for I shall reveal to you the best and worst bars of Ann Arbor. But before I do, let me establish my parameters for a good bar.

A good bar is to me what a church is to a Christian, what a synagogue is to a Jew, what a mosque is to a Muslim: a source of spiritual illumination and comfort in a cruel world ruled by infidels and barbarians. Just as Moses descended from Mount Sinai to give the world God's commandments, so shall I now stumble from my barstool to give the drunkards of the world my commandments for the ideal bar. The only difference is that God carved Moses's commandments in stone, whereas mine were written on a cocktail napkin with a Bic pen.

So it shall be written:

I. Thou shalt serve an excellent Martini.

For the true Martini believer this is the most sacred of the commandments, and the combination of gin, vermouth, and olive is the Holy Trinity. A bar observes this commandment when the three essential elements of a divine Martini are present: premium ingredients such as Bombay Sapphire Gin (the only real gin; accept no substitutes), high-quality vodkas (out of respect for James Bond), and good dry vermouth. Next, the bartender must know how to mix the correct proportions at the customer's request - a good bartender (see the Second Commandment) recognizes the differences between say, a 2:1, 5:1, and a 15:1 Martini. Finally, the Martini should be ice-cold. It should have a serving temperature somewhere around that of liquid nitrogen. There is only one thing worse than a warm Martini: no Martini at all.

II. Thy bartender shall be a master mixologist.

The bartender must be more than just some semi-evolved ape that can pull a beer tap. He must take his craft seriously and have mastered the sacred arts of the cocktail. When I say "cocktail" I do not mean mixed drinks (those overly sweet concoctions enjoyed by girls and men of questionable gender status); I mean a man's drink such, as a Martini or a Manhattan. The bartender must also dutifully observe the customers' instructions and not skimp on the portions. A good bartender is as rare as a sober Irishman.

III. Thou shalt allow the smoking of the divine weed, tobacco.

A smoky atmosphere is vital to a real bar. Smoking and drinking go together like slutty young interns and libido-crazed presidents. There must be no discrimination as to the type of tobacco consumed; cigars, pipes, and cigarettes should be equally welcomed. It is righteous to ban clove cigarettes, since they are usually smoked by low-lifes and degenerates.

IV. Remember the happy hour and keep it holy.

To sell liquor is human. To sell liquor at a discount is divine.

V. Thou shalt have one TV or less.

A bar should be a place to socialize with friends and possible one-night stands, or to quietly contemplate life with the aid of a fine adult beverage. A bar cluttered with televisions defeats those purposes. If you want to watch TV, stay home and enjoy the comforts of your own living room. Society does not need another place for people to worship the great god of illiteracy and cultural decay. A bar's entertainment should be its liquor, patrons, staff, atmosphere, and liquor - did I mention liquor?

VI. Thou shalt not have an obnoxious DJ or annoying modern music.

The last thing I want to hear when enjoying a fine spirit is the inane chatter of a moronic DJ ("Is everybody feeling funky yet?!"), or the sounds of gangsta rap, alternative crap, and anything you would find on Jock Jams. The only acceptable music is swing, Big Band, jazz, blues, cocktail lounge, and the patron saints of saloons: Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. Of course, the sweetest music in any bar is always the gentle rhythm of the cocktail shaker - the sirens' song to my liver.

VII. Thou shalt have a fine selection of single malt Scotches, small batch bourbons, ports, wines, and imported ales.

Life is too short to drink cheap booze. Remember quality is always superior to quantity unless you can afford both. In short, all you Boone's Farm Wine and Bud Lite drinkers, do the world a favor: buy your crap at the local party store and stay home watching Beverly Hillbillies reruns.

VIII. Thou shalt have a tasteful décor.

Oak, brass, cocktail shakers, dim lighting, leather chairs, table cloths, antiques... Yes! Neon signs, banners advertising cheap beers, sports memorabilia... No!

IX. Thou shalt have a relaxing environment.

If commandments III, V, VI, and VIII are observed, commandment IX shall be satisfied.

X. Thou shalt have beautiful waitresses who give good service... and other things.

For the love of Gin, give me a waitress who writes things down, gives prompt service, and doesn't screw up orders. I would say more about the "... and other things" part, but modesty, the Code of Student Conduct, and my girlfriend prevent me from doing so.

Now that I have established thy law and thy justice, here are my choices for the best and worst bars in Ann Arbor:

The Best:

Zanzibar - Best Martini in Ann Arbor. Bartenders are superior mixologists. Premium liquor selection is up to snuff. Nice wine list. The decor is tropical and very colorful. There are only two drawbacks: first, they do not allow smoking of any kind at the bar; second, it is primarily a restaurant so the bar area is rather limited in its seating capacity.

La Dolce Vita - I have only had three Martinis here. One was severely lacking while the other two were superb. It is a new place, so they are working out all the kinks. Excellent selection of premium spirits and wines. The décor is perfect: dim lighting, plush leather chairs, Sinatra playing in the background. Smoking is allowed and encouraged since it is a cigar bar. The only drawback is that the waiters have a bit of an attitude and their level of service is somewhat lacking.

Grizzly Peak - They serve an excellent Martini, despite the fact that they are primarily a microbrewery. They have some good single malt Scotches and a few other premium spirits. While I personally detest microbrews, I understand that they make the best in town.

Ashley's - Tremendous selection of single malt Scotches, small batch bourbons, and imported beers. Irish pub-like décor. The only drawback is that they practice smoking discrimination: they allow cigarettes but not cigars and pipes. This policy is a tremendously stupid move by the owners. Many cigar and pipe smokers love to have a good Scotch or bourbon with their smoke, and they are loyal to establishments which permit them the pleasure of smoking in peace.

Conner O'Neills - Great selection of Irish whiskeys, ales, and stouts. Good selection of other premium spirits and beers as well. Irish pub-like decor. This is where I'll be spending St. Patty's Day - the day when all of the Irish march up Main Street and stagger down Liberty.

Old Towne Tavern - The Martini is a gamble. Sometimes it's excellent and sometimes it's not so hot; it depends on who's bartending. But they do have Bombay Sapphire and a Martini menu so they are trying. Decent selection of premium spirits and imported beers. The décor is historical with heavy emphasis on a turn-of-the-century saloon look.

The Worst:

Scorekeepers, Rick's American Cafe, The Brown Jug, Mitch's Place, Touchdown Cafe, and Good Time Charlie's - These places violate all ten commandments and even some I haven't thought of. Their décors are garish, their bartenders ignorant, and their liquor selection an affront to connoisseurs everywhere. They are the antithesis of the ideal bar. They pander to the tasteless and vulgar (as demonstrated by the many frat swine and sorority bimbos who frequent them). However, I suppose they do serve a purpose: better to keep the pigs in the trough than to seat them at the dining room table. MR

This column was originally published in the 10 Feb. 1999 issue of the Review.

This article was published in the New Student Issue of The Michigan Review (Volume 18, Number 1).
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