Everything You Ever Wanted to Know
A Handy Glossary of the Things You Will Encounter at U-M

4:20 - Recognized international time for pot smoking. Origin unclear.

AAPD - In the beginning, there was a frat. And unto that frat, God said, "Go forth, get thee drunk and be carnally pleasured, and throw totally righteous parties for the pathetic freshmen, so that they might also partake of the forbidden fruits of thy drunken sorority chicks." And upon those frats came forth the wrath of AAPD, for the public didst say, "Thou art responsible for the tragic death of Courtney Cantor." For forty days and nights didst AAPD raid and pillage, fostering MIP's on gently drunk freshmen. And the sky was black upon the land.

Abraham Tate Elias - Well-meaning, if hopelessly liberal, MSA President. Founder of the Blue Party, a campus political party, which distinguished itself by passing out free condoms and getting some guy to dress up in a gorilla suit.
Agenda - A pseudo-Marxist Ann Arbor rag that recently recommended bombing Washington and Tel-Aviv. Owned and operated by U-M philosophy professor Eric Lormand.

Andrew James Coulouris - a.k.a. Andy Clitouris. Current MSA Vice-President, elected into office for "comic relief." Has thick, sometimes unintelligible accent. Reportedly planning to knock off Bram.

BAMN - The Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action By Any Means Necessary. This group holds rallies that tend to attract few people until fire-alarms mysteriously go off all around campus.

Campus Corner - Best place to pass a fake ID on campus (or so we've heard).

Code of Student Conduct - Known simply as "The Code." U-M's little way of disregarding students' constitutional rights. Its provisions deny students the right to counsel, the right to face their accuser, and the right to be innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Its implementation limits students' freedoms of speech, press, and assembly.

College Libertarians - Meetings, every Wednesday at 4:20.

College Republicans - A mysterious bunch last seen defacing Queer Unity Project chalkings three years ago. Currently under new management. Little else known.

DAAP - A campus political party, cleverly entitled the Defend Affirmative Action Party. The political arm of BAMN.

Erika Dowdell - a.k.a. Curtin's puppet. Heir apparent to the Curtin legacy.

Gargoyle - U-M's unintentionally serious magazine.

Jar Jar Binks - Annoying character in the latest Star Wars movie, "The Phantom Menace." Bears strong resemblance to Andy Coulouris.

Jessica "The Iron" Curtin - Che Guevera wannabe known primarily for inciting riots in downtown Ann Arbor (her trial starts this fall), and using her MSA seat to direct seized student money to leftist causes. Winner of the Michigan Review's "Miss White Liberal Guilt" award for 1998. Leader of BAMN, DAAP, NWROC, the MSA Peace and Justice Commission, and other assorted no-goodnik organizations.

LSA-SG - A minor student government body, with some power to alter curriculum. Unlike MSA, this group of student politicians actually gets things done. Most recent LSA-SG success: getting the University to authorize minors.

Luke Massie - a.k.a. Curtin's biatch. Massie, a ruffian who doesn't go to school here, hangs out around campus to aid leftist student groups and terrorize unsuspecting Michiganders on the Diag. Suspected FBI informant.

"M" - Landmark at the center of campus. Legend says that if a freshwoman steps on the "M" before her first blue book, she must kiss the first Michigan Review reporter she sees. Failure to do so results in total academic failure and eventual explusion.

Matthew 5:42 - How one inspired Review reporter convinced Preacher Bob to hand over his holy wallet.

Matthew S. Schwartz - Editor of the Review, and Leader of the Dark Side. Word has it that his Schwartz is bigger than yours.

Meijer's - A giant superstore where one can find cheap food, even cheaper clothing, and toys. Curtin's former workplace. Reportedly have excellent hats.

Michigan Daily - Most prominent campus newspaper. Famous for cross-word puzzle, inaccurate sports predictions, and 108 years of inane editorial writing.

Michigan Independent - U-M's very own fashion magazine. Survives on MSA grants.

Michigan Review - Worshippers of the Dark Side, agents of the Vast-Right Wing Conspiracy. Known for being niggardly when following established standards of political correctness.

MIM Notes - Publication put together by the Maoist International Movement. Affectionately referred to as "Mim" by the locals. Ann Arbor's best unintentional humor magazine. Known for its interesting spellings, such as the "United $nakes of AmeriKKKa."

MSA - Michigan Student Asssembly. Primary student government of U-M. Central powers include seizing $5.69 per semester from each student to fund an array of liberal causes, and dictating U.S. foreign policy.

NWROC - National Women's Rights Organizing Coalition. Instead of helping battered women, this would-be beneficial organization spends all of its time: A) mixed up with the likes of BAMN and DAAP, fighting for affirmative action, and B) calling all men "potential rapists." Chill out girls - militant feminism causes wrinkles.

Preacher Bob - Diag Minister warning students about eternal damnation for such atrocities as masturbation, Mormonism, and wearing unmatching socks.

President Lee "Mophead" Bollinger - Headmaster of the University of Michigan, our Fearless Leader in the battle for racial preferences, illiberal education, and the Soviet way. Often seen frequenting the Village Corner.

RAIL - Revolutionary Anti-Imperialist League. MIM-affiliated organization on campus. Recipients of a $1,600 MSA grant last semester.

Ralph Williams - Esoteric but brilliant professor, known to occasionally speak above his students' heads.

Rory Diamond - President of the College Republicans and one of the few conservative MSA members.

Sarah Chopp - Ex-MSA Vice-President, with an emphasis on the "vice." Now out of student politics, Sarah's sexually-laden campaigns, asking students to "Hop on Chopp," will be dearly missed. Her personal actions on behalf of Saddam Hussein and BAMN will not be.

Scott Southworth - Student whose legal case to stop student governments like MSA from seizing money to fund leftist causes will be decided by the Supreme Court in October.

Shaky Jake - King of Homeless Merchandising. See Shaky Jake go a-beggin' on the streets with his Shaky Jake tapes, bumper stickers, and high quality Rolex watches for $19.95.

SOLE - Students Organizing for Labor and Economic Equality: Students campaigning for fewer sweatshops and more unemployment. Members do not know how to spell.

SPEED - Students Promoting Export-oriented Economic Development: Students campaigning for more sweatshops and less pre-teen unemployment.

UAC - University Activities Center, the organization responsible for much of the programming on campus. Also responsible for funding all-expense paid weekend retreats at the Hilton for its members, using student money to pay the way.

Village Corner - worst place to pass a fake ID on campus (not that we've tried).

"W" - What does that giant "W" in the center of campus mean? It means you're Wasted. Look at it from the other side. (See "M.")

This article was published in the New Student Issue of The Michigan Review (Volume 18, Number 1).
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