Guípe's Survival Guide for Incoming Nerds

By El Señor Guipe

The first thing that every incoming freshman must realize is that here at the University of Michigan, it's really easy to blend right in with the crowd. It doesn't matter whether or not the kids back in your high school used to make fun of you for being a "nerd," "loser," "dork," "four-eyes," "train-tracks," "geek," "dweeb," or "playing for the other team"; here at U-M there's bound to be at least fifty other people stranger than you. Take it from one who knows. Unless you're Mark from 9911 South Quad, no one will make fun of you. Mark, you have my pity.

Anyway, there are many strange types here at U-M, and all the nerds seem to fit right in. As a matter of fact, there's no better place than college to drop your old nerdish persona and become a new person. Why, I can name tens of people who, despite being considered nerds in high school, experienced a dramatic increase in coolness after coming here. So, here are my tips for all of you nerds who just graduated from high school and are looking to spend the next four years of your life as a member of the "in" crowd.

Tip #1: Buy contacts. Luckily, my perfect 20/20 vision has allowed me to avoid the problem of wearing nerdy glasses. But for those of you who aren't as lucky as I (and who is?), you can simply purchase contact lenses to replace your glasses. Contacts will increase your overall physical attractiveness, thus making it less obvious that you were once a nerd. This, in turn, will make it much easier for you to attract members of the opposite sex, or "pick up chicks," as the vernacular goes. Allow me to demonstrate:

You Wearing Glasses: "Wow, a beautiful woman is standing not three feet from me! I will attempt to initiate a meaningful converstation with her. (Walking over to beautiful woman.) Hello, beautiful woman. My name is Lee Bockhorn (or whatever your name happens to be) and I..."
Beautiful Woman: (Blood-curdling scream.) "You're wearing... glasses! Don't talk to me, you nerd!"

If only you had been wearing contacts that whole ugly incident could have been avoided.

Tip #2: Wear "trendy" clothing. Now here's an area where I should take my own advice. Unfortunately, I'm far too poor to shop at any of those trendy clothing stores on State Street. This doesn't mean, however, that I can't dress in a manner that will blend in with the crowd, thus making me cool. Because, as we all know, uniformity is cool. As I said before, there are some really bizarre people on this campus who will dress in a fashion that will make almost anything look normal - even the nerdy clothes that you wore in high school! But just to be safe, it might be a good idea to consult the following list of which articles of clothing are "cool," before making any decisions:

Tip #3: Speak with a northeastern accent. My third tip, and I can't stress this enough, is that in order to be cool at U-M, you must speak with a northeastern accent. You see, U-M is a school largely populated by rich kids from the northeast. (If you happen to be one of them, you sicken me.) Anyway, the best way to attract the attention of all the rich frat boys and/or sorority chicks is to speak with a northeastern accent. I mean, everybody knows that there are no nerds in "Joisey."

Tip #4: Join a student group. One of the best ways to break out of your old nerdish persona is to get involved in student affairs. Plenty of student groups would be ecstatic to have you on board. A student group like, say, the Michigan Review, is always looking for bright young talent, nerd or otherwise. By getting involved in this student group, you will make people think that you have a social life, thus making you cool.

If the above tips fail to transform you into a "studly, trendy, happenin' dude," it appears that, much like Mark from 9911 South Quad, you will never be cool. Let us all bow our heads in silent mourning. Take heart - coolness isn't as great as it's cracked up to be. Wear your glasses with pride, continue your sordid love affair with computers, and join the Star Trek club - you'll fit in perfectly! MR

This article was published in the New Student Issue of The Michigan Review (Volume 18, Number 1).
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