Last semester marked the appearance of the vaunted "Diversity Theme Semester." Unfortunately, the Adminstration apparently forgot to celebrate WASP culture! Therefore, we hereby suggest the "WASP Weekend:"

Friday, 5pm - Cocktails and Caviar
Friday, 8pm - Evening at the Symphony
Saturday, 9am - Golf (yes, 18 holes)
Saturday, 3pm - Tennis, mixed doubles
Saturday, 8pm - Debutante Ball
Sunday, 6am-12 pm - Church Service

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office and sees one of his aides nervously approaching him. "What is it?" exclaims the president. "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President; what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it," responds the president.

Serpent's Tooth is confused. If this place is supposed to be so diverse, why is everyone from Long Island? And how come everyone's saying soda now? It's pop, I tell you, POP!!! And since when is a sucker a lollipop?

Several hundred faculty members signed a petition last semester supporting affirmative action. It figures they would support a system that is not based on merit, since they've been supporting tenure for years...

One of President Lee Bollinger's pet projects is to build a new theater named after famous playwright and U-M alum Arthur Miller. In that spirit, Serpent's Tooth would like to suggest the following worthy projects to be named after other famous U-M alumni:

o The Geoffrey Feiger School of Ethics
o The Madonna Institute for Chastity Studies
o The Gerald R. Ford School for Coordination Studies
o The James Earl Jones School for Making the Really Cool Darth Vader Voice; and finally,
o The Ted Kazcynski Institute for Bomb Design and Manifesto Writing

Do not be one of the idiots who just sings "Hail!"; learn the freakin' alma mater!

Alright freshmen, listen up: Serpent's Tooth has had to live with your faux pas for far too long, so here's some advice:

o Don't use the elevator for less than three flights, unless you are carrying something that weighs more than you!
o Never, ever "Reply to All"!!! If you get an e-mail message that you don't want, reply to the SENDER ONLY. If you do reply to all, you will set off an uncontrollable chain of response e-mails that will take days - if not weeks - to die off.
o Don't skateboard on the steps of the Grad Library. That's something for annoying little high schoolers to do; you're too "cool" for that. Plus, it's illegal, and ticketing skateboarders is AAPD's second favorite activity aside from busting up frat parties.
o If you're going to come to lecture, don't sit there and chatter with your friends while the professor is talking. If you're going to talk, you may as well have skipped class. Chem 1800 (Lorch 140, MLB #3, etc.) may be big, and the prof might not be able to hear you, but we can. Shut up!

Thank you.

This article was published in the New Student Issue of The Michigan Review (Volume 18, Number 1).
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