Der Aryan Barbarian:
Bitching and Moaning, Conservative Style

 We didn’t receive even ONE letter to the editor bitching and moaning about the Michigan Delay. We weren’t trying to incite people, but we thought someone would at least be pissed enough to write in. Was it because too many people agreed that life begins whenever, that people shouldn’t have guns, and that Jews are the scum of the earth? I guess we’ll never know, because no one wrote us. So now, just to see if you people are still alive, is our attempt to light a fire under the asses of our fellow students, just to see if they’ve still got it in them. Enjoy, and don’t hurt yourself rushing over to your computer to write us a nasty email. Remember, the address is letters@michiganreview.com.

 In writing this piece, I must reflect on the great sadness filling the hearts of my fellow Wolverines. The campus is in mourning, the year is winding down and they’re about to lose their dearest and most precious publication, the Michigan Review. But try not to be too glum, chum, because we’ll be back next year with even more antics, hard hitting news analysis, and that incorrigible prankster, El Senor Guipe.

For all that we will miss our dear Review, there are a great many more campus denizens we will not miss one f-cking bit. I, for one, will not miss that sub-zero Queen of Darkness, Jessica Curtin. For all her rhetoric about us Republicans not “being open-minded enough,” she is pretty damn close-minded. “By Any Means Necessary” isn’t exactly a liberal, free-minded doctrine; rather, it sounds more like Lyndon Johnson’s plan to decimate the “Gooks” (to quote John McCain, as well as every other true patriot) with operation “Rolling Thunder.”

Speaking of “Rolling Thunder,” what’s the deal with those WISE girls? Don’t they realize Science and Engineering are men’s fields of study? Now I grant them this, many of them are better at math and science than yours truly, but why? What went wrong in their childhood’s that made them turn toward cold, impersonal computers, calculators, and data sets? Wouldn’t they be happier with husbands, children, and a place in the home? Anyway, I won’t miss the WISE girls, they’re all cold fish.

Of course, cold fish reminds me of my favorite cold fish, Commissar of the People Maureen Hartford. I doubt too many of you remember Frau Hartford, but she is the woefully inept baboon-trainer who created our glorious Code of Student Conduct. Fortunately, she doesn’t work for the U-M anymore, the Stasi decided she would be of more use to them as a prison camp director in the Gulag salt mines outside Smolensk. And if you didn’t get that last reference, you should be sent there too. Nope, I sure as hell won’t miss that old battering ram, er, Ms. Hartford, this summer.

You know who else I won’t miss this summer? All you lovable rascals over there in East Quad. Don’t get me wrong, I love the way you bathe frequently, and keep your hair cut in such a professional manner, or how you ladies wear makeup and shave your pits with great frequency. And I love how you refrain from piercing your noses, tongues, navels, genitalia, etc. But what I can’t stand is that smell. It kind of reminds me of how sometimes a bird gets caught in your chimney and dies, and on hot summer days it stinks, but you can’t get it out and the chimney guy is booked till three weeks from yesterday. Yeah, you guys know what I’m talking about...

Which reminds me, why the hell didn’t all you troglodytes vote for the FRAT Party? They lost, and that stinks! Instead, Chip Englander went and tried to play the magical election fairy, and got the whole damn Wolverine Party disqualified. I bet Chip still has lots of friends. And how about that Hideki? I like the guy, and as soon as he learns how to speak English, I bet he’ll make a damn fine student body President.

And finally, since we’re talking about student bodies, I’d like to congratulate the beautiful girls of Delta Gamma on winning Greek Week. They were paired with another sorority, Pi Kappa Alpha (yes, retards, this is a joke), and like Chip Englander, they like to go around pretending they’re fairies.

So, have a safe and happy summer. Unless you were on this list, of course, in which case I hope you choke and die in the middle of a busy intersection. Don’t be concerned about me, I plan to stay in Ann Arbor all summer, golfing, stealing candy from small children, and organizing conservative infiltration cells all across campus. Oh, and one last thing; I’m trying to put together a PAC, or political action committee, and I need help putting it together. It is called the Committee to Overthrow suffrage for Women, or COW. If anyone is interested in volunteering time or money, please contact the Michigan Review.