The Hard Life of El Señor Guípe
by David Guipe

 Well, here it is folks, your last opportunity this academic year to get a dose of the King of Passion, El Señor Guípe!  Before writing this column, I had to ask myself a few questions.  “El Señor Guípe,” I said aloud “What topic should I address in this, my last chance to warp the minds of a myriad of students here at U of M?”  In order to come to a decision, I asked the guy who was sitting next to me in the computer lab for some advice.  His name is “David” and he is a “Rescomp Consultant” here at the Couzens Hall Computing Site, which means that he gets paid to chat with me about the female population in Couzens while I write my column.  Dave is a big fan of mine, and he has just informed me that I have two other big fans in Couzens, whom I’ll refer to as “Laurie” and “Liz.”  Come to think of it, I seem to have fans all over campus.  Speaking of which, I think I just found the topic for today’s column, which I will entitle:

 It Ain’t Easy Being Gweepay

 Over the past few months, ever since the good Señor became a prominent campus figure along with such stars as Jessica Curtin, Lee Bollinger, and Michigamua member Bram Elias, I’ve noticed that no matter where I go, I seem to be recognized by multitudes of adoring fans.  Maybe it’s the enclosed photograph, which just screams “chick magnet.”  At any rate, students, faculty, and staff members all over town are noticing El Senor, and he’s loving every minute of it!

One such occurrence took place during a midnight snack at “The Brown Jug.”  That’s right, “The Brown Jug,” where there’s always a party goin’ down and everyone’s invited!  My amigo Tomas and I were enjoying hearty portions of dead animal when I noticed that I was being stared at by a gentleman on the other side of the room.  Naturally, I began to fear the worst.  I mean, while it’s true that El Señor Guípe is no stranger to being checked out by members of both genders, this guy looked like he was up to no good.  I tried to ignore him, but to no avail.  Finally I decided that the best course of action would be to stare back until one of us gave in, thus losing this mother of all staring contests.  Upon doing so, my stalker grinned and said “Excuse me, aren’t you El Señor Guípe?”  A look of joy came over my face as I stood up to shake his hand.

“Why yes, yes I am.” I replied proudly.  It was at that point that he punched me in the stomach.  Well, not really.  Actually he seemed quite happy to meet me.  This same situation takes place everywhere: on buses, while relieving myself in the restroom, and so on.  Granted, nine times out of ten my “big fan” turns out to be a guy, but every now and then a woman comes along who appreciates my work.  For example, once while buying, uh, something that wasn’t alcohol in the now defunct “Ghetto Mart” across from Couzens, a female store employee remarked “Hey!  You’re that guy who writes for the paper!”

“Why yes, yes I am!” I replied proudly.  Then she kicked me in the groin.  Well, not really.

The point is, when you become a writer for the Review, your chances of being a campus wide celebrity increase dramatically (hint, hint).  So why not give it a try?  Before you know it, you too will be worshipped by every other chauvinist on campus, just like El Señor Guípe!

What?  What do you mean that I still have one hundred and fifty words to write before this becomes a half page column?  Dammit!  But I’m all out of things to say.  All right, for the remaining one hundred words, I will give my analysis of the new Britney Spears hit single, intelligently titled “Oops, I Did it Again.”  This new song, modeled after her first blockbuster, “Baby One More Time” features Britney dressed in a skintight red outfit that accentuates her curvaceous…what’s that?  You say I’ve reached my limit?  Well, I guess this is it, amigos.  Have a great summer and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.  Well, unless she’s really hot.