A few weeks ago, it was reported  that actor Alec Baldwin promised  to leave the United States and live abroad if George W. Bush was elected president. Director Robert Altman had also made a similar statement earlier. Heaven forbid that a tyrannical despot like George W. Bush become president! Although Alec Baldwin later said that the rumor was false, it got me thinking: where would Charlton Heston go if Gore were elected president? (My best bet, to death row.) Where would other conservatives like Tom Selleck, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, and Mel Gibson go if Gore were elected? Hell, where would I go, besides to the nearest gun shop with my life savings? We as conservatives already have our backs to the wall. We simply have no place to go if we want to live in an America as envisioned as by the Founding Fathers.

From what I can tell, liberals in this country have been trying to make the United States more and more like Canada and other socialist nations. They want to help the government subjugate it’s citizens by taking away their guns, they want universal health care, they want bilingual education, they want looser moral values, etc. Well, why go through all the trouble of changing this country into another Canada when they can just go up north and move to Canada? Daniel Baldwin figured it out, instead of being selfish and ruining America for everyone in the name of liberalism, he moved to Canada. Now why can’t all liberals figure that out? Why can’t his big brother Alec figure that out and just go live in Canada, a country with everything he wants already instead of fighting for them here and pissing a lot of conservatives off? Why can’t that self righteous, hypocritical bitch Rosie O’Donnell take her bully pulpit of a show, her bratty kids and their armed guards up to Canada? I’m willing to bet she could still do K-Mart commercials in Canada, although their K-Marts probably don’t sell as many guns as American K-Marts do. Why can‘t Martin Sheen just go live in a country whose army doesn’t have a School of the Americas or where the militarization of space is simply not an issue? He could avoid a lot of jail time but less airtime if he simply moved away.

Well, liberals may just say, well why don’t you conservatives just go away then? Well, we would, except we have nowhere to go! That, and we want the United States to be the United States. We don’t want the United States to be Belgium. America is already our paradise.  Sure, for some issues we can leave, like abortion. If we wanted to live in a country where abortion is illegal, then sure, some of us can always move to the Republic of Ireland if we really feel that passionately about it. If liberals want to live in a society where citizens do not have the right to bear arms or citizens that believe that they have the right to bear arms, they can go to Canada, or almost any other nation on earth, for that matter. America is ALREADY the most gun-friendly nation on earth. But, instead of leaving the country and leaving us law-abiding gun owners in peace, they want to make us criminals instead of hauling their own asses across the border. Everyone is complaining about the high cost of prescription drugs in America. Everyone is complaining how Canada has such a great universal health care system. Newflash, folks, there are a lot of Canadians that think their health care system is absolutely terrible. Just two months ago, when I was back working for a big bad evil pharmaceutical company, I read an editorial written by a doctor from Vancouver (I forgot his name and I can’t access the link because it was part of the company’s intranet system) saying that he thinks it’s almost perverse that Americans hold Canadian health care in such high regard. While never saying that the state of American health care was perfect as it is, I remember him saying from experience that he knew of at least a hundred people sentenced to a grueling death because they couldn’t get the vital heart surgery they needed because they were told to wait for too long. He also pointed out that one of the reasons why Canada’s drugs are much cheaper was because of the lower standard of living and the weakness of the Canadian dollar when compared to the American dollar, and that if people wanted really cheap prescription drugs, they should check out Southeast Asia. So to all those people bitching about us not having universal healthcare, go move to Canada instead of screwing all of us over. They already HAVE universal health care. If you think you can wait six weeks for an appendectomy, then go north, but personally, I’ll take my chances here. Besides, when heads of state like King Hussein or the Shah of Iran need cancer treatment, there’s a reason why they come here instead of Canada.

Would you like to live in a gun-free community? Well, I hear Toronto and Ottawa are both gun-free. Want bilingual education? Hey, everything in Canada is required by law to be in both English and French. Don’t speak English and don’t ever have any intention to learn how? Well, I don’t know how Canada deals with it, but I’m sure they’re more willing and able to deal with it than we are. Do you want to live in a welfare state? Then Canada is just the place for you. What’s that? You don’t believe in the domination of the two party system? Then check out Canada and its parliamentary system. In Canada, Ralph Nader may actually stand a snowball’s chance in hell of getting into an elective office. Do you think Bill Clinton did nothing wrong in having sexual encounters with an intern who’s barely older than his own daughter in the Oval Office? Then move to France, where Mitterand not only had a mistress, but a child by that mistress, both of whom showed up at his funeral with his wife and kids. Feel like burning a flag? Go ahead, go burn a Canadian flag. It’s not like anyone’s ever died for it in its 35 year existence. Do you think beauty pageants exploit women? Then you’ll love Canada, which hasn’t had an official Miss Canada pageant since 1991, thanks to feminist and economic pressures. Do you think Diag preachers are hatemongers? Then go to Canada, where they’ve actually arrested these guys. (As one of my professors, who’s Canadian, reluctantly admitted, “we Canadians don’t care about civil liberties as much as Americans.”) And finally, for those of you that think we should switch to metric, in Canada, petrol is in liters, not gallons, and your weight is in kilos, not pounds.
With all that said, it should be clear by now that as a conservative, I don’t like Canada. Wait, I shouldn’t use “don’t like.” Hmm, oh, I got it, as a conservative, I abhor Canada. And to you liberals, I abhor you. I think you people are ruining America for everyone, not just for conservatives. I’m sure liberals feel the same way about us conservatives. But unlike liberals, we can’t pack our bags and leave for a gun-friendly, English speaking, two party paradise that doesn’t use the metric system. So to the liberals out there dissatisfied with great country of ours as it is, do us a favor: take your pick of socialist nations all over the world, be it Canada, Great Britain or France, and move there. Canada would probably even welcome you, seeing that they’re the 2nd largest nation on earth in terms of land but they only have around thirty million people. Stay in this socialist paradise of yours and be content, and don’t come back here. Do it soon, while you still have a choice, for should I ever become president, I’ll see to it that you liberals do leave, at gunpoint, if necessary.