I don’t know about you, but I’m  getting pretty sick of all of my favorite  programs, such as reruns of that classic sitcom “Sanford and Son,” being pre-empted because of this stupid “Decision 2000” crap. If you’ve turned on your television in the past two weeks, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It seems that no matter how many times I flip the remote (a workout in itself!), I am faced with a clip of the Florida Secretary of State demonstrating that she doesn’t know how to properly apply makeup to her face. My response to all of this: get over it! This whole issue isn’t going to add up to a hill of pepperoni (I don’t like beans) in the long run. Moreover, it is going to result in the perpetuation of the little understood curse on the presidency of the United States.

Well, now that that’s off my chest, time to get on to today’s topic. Pregnant chads are a plague to women everywhere… What’s that? You say you’ve never heard of the curse on the presidency? You poor deprived child! I have no choice but to postpone tackling the delicate subject of pregnant chads to a later date in order to fill you in on this hot topic.

Our tale begins in the early 19th Century. At this time, America was in the process of “removing” the indigenous cultures from its land in order that our nation would expand throughout the continent, thus realizing its Manifest Destiny. Naturally, the natives weren’t all too happy about being exterminated. As a matter of fact, they were pretty darn pissed. Hey, I would be too. Among these disgruntled folks was famous Native American guy Tecumseh. Upon seeing his tribe wiped out by then general and future president (get name), he decided to get revenge on the U.S. in the only way he knew how…by putting a curse on their future president! The curse would cause (name) to be the first president to die while in office. Furthermore, since (name) was elected in 1840, every president who henceforth was elected to office on a year ending in “0” would meet their doom while still in office.

Right now you’re probably thinking, “Nice try Señor, but do you really expect me, a college educated student at the dawn of the 21st Century, to swallow such tripe? You’re just trying to scare me into going to bed with you.” That may be true, but the really scary thing is that this curse seems to hold up. In order to examine its effectiveness, let us take a trip through the wonderful world of American history.
As we have already established, the first president to die in office was (name) in (year). Elected in 1840, he died of (cause). Also to expire while still on the job was Abraham Lincoln, first elected in 1860. As we all know, Lincoln was assassinated while watching a performance at the theatre (I guess the acting “slew” him. Get it?  Shut up, I think it’s funny.). Subsequently, two more presidents were assassinated while in office, Garfield, who was elected in 1880, and McKinley, elected to his second term in 1900. Warren Harding won the office in 1920. He died in the midst of his first term because of food poisoning. FDR suffered a similar fate in 1945, five years after his 1940 election. And who can forget JFK, who was elected in 1960 and killed three years later by the FBI, the CIA, J. Edgar Hoover, Fidel Castro, LBJ, the Mafia, and my cousin Mario.

Notably absent from this list is the president who won the office in 1980, Ronald Reagan. True, at first glance it appears that Reagan beat the curse. But need I remind you that an attempt on Reagan’s life early in his presidency would have ended it all if it wasn’t for modern medicine, which we all know is not taken account for in ancient Indian curses.

Armed with this knowledge, I had long been wondering how the next president who would reign under the curse, the one elected in the year 2000, would meet his demise. At first it seemed rather odd. I mean, nobody particularly likes Bore or Gush, but surely neither one could manage to be hated as much as Clinton. What then could bring someone to try and perpetuate the curse.

In the last week or so, the answer to this and other important questions, such as the whereabouts of the remote control, have been made obvious to me. Regardless of who wins the stupid Florida recount, half of the people in the country are going to feel that the victor has stolen the election. This will surely lead some crazed gunman (Luke Massie, perhaps?), probably trying to impress his activist girlfriend (Jessica Curtin, perhaps?), to fire a few shots at the new President. As we saw from the Reagan ordeal, death is no guarantee, but I sure wouldn’t bet against it.

Of course, the death of the Prez will cause even more of my favorite shows to be pre-empted so the networks can broadcast the stupid funeral. So, in an effort to keep television running smoothly, I would like to appeal to all of you wackos out there: don’t kill the president! It doesn’t matter whether or not you think he stole the election; killing him will not solve anything. It will put his vice president in power who will continue the same policies. You’ll just be making things harder on all of us. Get a hobby if you’re bored. Take up smoking. Just don’t screw up my television schedule or so help me I’ll...