The turmoil surrounding the American electoral process, a process as yet unresolved, is creating uncertainty in every area of politics except one: the next president will be severally weakened by the haggling.  The inhabitant of the most powerful office in the free world will find his decisions questioned and actions scrutinized.  Our country will find itself with a power vacuum in the highest office in our land.

Who will fill this void?  To answer this question a careful study must be made of the American political scene over this past year.  Neither the House nor the Senate seems poised to take ahold of the leadership of our country; both majorities are extremely fragile.  Either of the two possible cabinets will probably be bipartisan as the new president attempts to reconcile his lack of popular support.  Who does that leave?

Celebrities.  This election cycle has seen more than just casual participation by celebrities as they endorsed, insulted, and argued for various presidential candidates.  The news media ran various stories chronicling celebrity involvement.  Why?  Obviously because celebrities are amazingly important to our democratic process.

 What function could the celebrity population of America play in our political system?  This is probably the wrong question.  The real is what role can’t celebrities play?

Phil Donahue hit the talk show circuit in support of his presidential candidate.  Possible responsibilities for this American treasure will include handling the public - allowing the mostly illiterate, loud segment of the population a say by randomly choosing them from his audience.  This voice of reason could then be filtered to the legislature where Senators could become aware of who the American public would like to boo and taunt, especially that two-timing jerk Jed who slept with both his girlfriend and her cousin Todd.  There will certainly be a law against that, something along the lines that he should be forced to go straight to hell.

During a Bush administration Alec Baldwin would serve the necessary Canadian resettlement movement, funneling oppressed liberals out of America with Thomas and the Magic Railroad into the pristine Canadian wilderness where they will refuse to drill for oil, lay down and be eaten by attacking polar bears, or make a single acceptable movie this side of The Shadow.

Mariah Carey will be in charge of making all programs to end hunger obsolete.  With her at the helm, massive amounts of bug repellent will be used so those wonderfully thin African children can enjoy their thin vanity without all those “flies and death and stuff.”  Well, maybe still the death, but not the flies.
Carrot Top and Jim Varney could team up to solve the problems of Missouri.  They should have an understanding of the major issues there because one has a dead career and the other is just dead - the people of Missouri believe their deceased population should be represented above all else.  Possible issues here include extending suffrage to dead people and using unfunny props to make stupid points about the major issues of the day.  Props will include dead people.

Martha Stuart will provide the nation with a strong sense of hominess as well as that sinking feeling that the world is going to be ending soon.

Cher will of course handle all complex economic issues, assuring the nation that she believes in life after fiscal solvency.  Her press conferences will be major events as the expectant media awaits the new look of the chairwomen of the Fed - only to be addressed with fiscal news that sounds like an “electronic angel.”

Martin Sheen will of course attempt to take over the presidency altogether and the American public will be none the wiser as the majority of Americans think he’s the president now.  Civil war will inevitably break out when his sound-alike brother places a few well-placed calls to South Carolina.
Barbara Striesand, with her extra free time, will of course continue making bad music.
It seems common sense that Chuck Norris will take over law enforcement for this great country, softening a Bush administration’s reputation for electrocuting criminals by replacing this brutal practice with a final, dramatic jump kick to the face.  This reporter also believes that Norris will be joined by Reno the crime-fighting dog who will punish serious criminals by looking them straight in the face.
One source that wishes to remain anonymous claims that Robert Altman played a role in the campaign for president, although his function in the future is a total mystery because nobody seems to know why anybody would care about Robert Altman.  A safe bet is that he will deliver final, dramatic kicks to the faces of hardened criminals.

Bette Midler will insist on being the Attorney General but instead will be annoying.  Expect Robert Altman to deal with that problem.

Jello Biafra, despite fighting to control Missouri on the basis of his involvement in the band Dead Kennedys, will instead be forced in the we-don’t-know-who-you-are-or-why-you’re-campaigning department of the government with the rampaging Robert Altman.

Willie Nelson will take over as drug czar and drugs will disappear off the streets.
Robert Altman will dramatically kick him in the face.

This has not been a constitutional crisis as private citizens of the United States are ready to jump in and serve.  Of course there will be kinks to be worked out in this new system in which the president, due to popular disapproval, is mainly a symbolic figure.  Once everyone gets used to the constant dramatic raging of Robert Altman the country will return to normalcy - a normalcy defined by a lack of Baldwins, abundance of dead leaders, and Carrot Top using those dead leaders as props in a skit about global warming.