Wow, how about that porn feature in the Daily last week? You know, one would’ve thought that we would’ve been the first to publish a feature about Deja Vu, considering El Señor Guípe’s numerous fact-finding missions to there during the summer.

Really though, did they have to devote an entire Weekend edition to porn? Are they really that hard up for readers?

Top Ten Things Not In Question About the Election

10. Lyndon LaRouche only sees this as a temporary setback.
9. Nader captured the damned-dirty-hippie demographic.
8. Unpopular Party (Reform) + Unpopular Candidate (Buchanan) = Major Constituency (Confused old people.)
7. Everybody’s votes counts, assuming of course, they live in a swing state with lots of electors.
6. The State of Florida can hold twice its weight in lawyers.
5. Retractions should not use the words “I was just kidding” and “NOT!”
4. Looking back, Ross Perot was the “sane one” in the Reform Party.
3. The budget surplus magically expands at determined by spending plans.
2. Mutual incompetence prevents negative campaigning.
1. There’s no such thing as too much election coverage.

Fox News was the first network to call the election for Bush on election night, which forced the other major networks to call it for Bush too. This leadership in the news has prompted Fox News to call the 2004 election a resounding victory for President George W. Bush, and the 2008 election, a squeaker in which J.C. Watts defeats Martin Sheen and Jesse Ventura in a three way race.

If we learned anything from the election, it’s that Al Gore flip-flops on the issues. First he conceded, then he doesn’t. Come on Al, pick one!

After nearly two weeks, our nation’s president elect has still not yet been determined. And we thought the only embarrassment we would suffer would be having one of these two in office.

Two suspects were arrested after they allegedly stole a Palm Beach voting machine and trying to sell it online. Their planned defense is that they were simply trying to vote for Gore but became confused by the ballot.

Guide To Hand Recounting, as provided by the Gore campaign:

1. Is the chad in the Gore hole punched out?
 Yes: Go to step 6
 No: Go to step 2
2. Is the Gore chad hanging by the corners?
 Yes: Go to step 6
 No: Go to step 3
3. Is the Gore chad indented?
 Yes: Go to step 6
 No: Go to step 4
4. Not even a little?
 Yes: Go to step 6
 No, Go to step 5
5. Slightly push the Gore chad in and go to step 1.
6. Is Gore the only candidate marked?
 Yes: Go to step 8
 No: Go to step 7
7. Try placing a punched out chad in the other candidate’s hole. Does it stay?
 Yes: Go to step 8
 No: Add a little glue and try again.
8. The voter obviously wanted Gore for president. Make sure this ballot is counted.
 

Former Vietnam War protester and soon-to-be-former president Bill Clinton recently stated that after having been president, he understands that LBJ was doing what he though was the right thing by escalating the Vietnam War. With this Clinton succeeded in his goal to flip-flop on every stance he has ever held.
 

Beaver College in Pennsylvania, after years of jokes and ridicule, has decided to officially change their name to Arcadia University. Beaver College on the internet, however, will still be there, with tuition still at only $9.99 a month.
 

Actor Martin Sheen was arrested for at least the second time over the weekend during a protest at the Army’s School of the Americas in Ft. Benning, GA. Well, with a record like his, maybe he really should be president.

The first runner up in a Thai beauty pageant returned her prize money and confessed that she was actually a man after several other contestants accused him/her of “unfair competition.” Unfair competition at a beauty pageant? What, was there a “write your name in the snow” competition in this beauty pageant?

Following a loss to Michigan this weekend, riots broke out at Ohio State University, resulting in 29 arrests, 129 fires, 1 stabbing, and at least five cars destroyed. Man, if these Buckeyes did this after every year after they lost to us, Columbus should look like Beirut or East Lansing by now.

Well, MSA elections are finally over. See how Doug Tietz won a seat in LSA and DAAP won nine overall, it looks like we won either way. We now have a good MSA rep in the form of old Doug, and we broke our endorsements losing streak. We thought we’d never say this, but thank you DAAP!