Stop Me If You've Heard This One:
From Rhetoric to Reality
By David Guipe

If you’re one of the tens of students who just cant get enough of the good Señor, you’re probably expecting another one of my classic self-help guides.  “Gosh, I can’t wait to see what kind of advice that El Señor Guípe, the all around coolest guy I know, has for me this week!” you say aloud as you hurriedly flip to the “Filler” section of the Review in an attempt to find my column.  Well, I’ve got a little surprise for you in this issue, friends.  Instead of telling you what to do in order to improve yourself, your character, and your sex life (or lack thereof), I’m going to show you what to do.  You see, it was literally days ago that our hero, Guípe himself, took some of his own advice in an attempt to pick up girls.  What’s that?  You say you want to know all of the juicy tidbits?  Then sit back and enjoy while El Señor Guípe proves to the world that he has no shame.

It was a chilly Saturday evening.  Parties were underway all over campus, scantily clad girls adorned the streets, and the homeless lay unconscious in various alleys and crevices.  In other words, it was a perfect evening for the Potentate of Partying, El Señor Guípe. But our hero wouldn’t be alone. At his side would be his trusty sidekick, Michigan Review Editor Matt Schwartz. Both of these cool guys were dressed for success — Guípe donned in only the highest quality clothing, all purchased at a Meijer superstore near him; Matt, on the other hand, going for the more sophisticated look, wearing — among other things — a “Looney Toons” tie that his mother purchased for him at the post office. Upon seeing this tie, Guípe was puzzled, and decided to inquire as to what its purpose may be.

Guípe: “Hey Matt, why are you wearing a Looney Toons tie?”

Matt: “Señor, don’t you realize what the girls will think when they see me in this tie?”

Guípe: “Um, that you like Looney Toons?”

Matt: (groaning) “No, this tie will send the message that I am a humorous, happenin’ guy!”

After finishing getting spiffed up, the determined duo headed for the perfect place to get their groove on: Papa Chulo’s Tex Mex Cantina! Yes, Papa Chulo’s, a restaurant that offers a true Mexican atmosphere. I mean, where else can you get high quality Mexican food, liquor, and prostitutes for less than twenty bucks?  Anyway, Matt and Guípe entered the restaurant and headed for the bar, where Guípe became quite intimate with a Mr. Jack Daniels, and Looney Toons boy ordered his usual “Sprite, No Ice.”

Standing next to the bar in a fashion similar to that of the Roxbury Guys, our protagonists began to observe the surrounding population of females. While in the process of looking around the room, a pair of glorious vixens caught the eyes of both of the studs. Matt leaned over to Guípe, nudged him, and whispered “Check those two out.” Guípe glanced over and nodded approvingly.

Now came the tough part. True, the amateur hunters had spotted their prey, but they still had no means by which to capture it.* “Come on Guípe, we’ve gotta do something!” Matt insisted.

"And do something we shall," Guípe replied confidently. After several more minutes of discussion, the idea of sending drinks over to the girls, compliments of Matt and Guípe, was put forth. This idea was soon rejected, however, due to the fact that both men were too cheap to pay for the drinks. Just when it seemed that all hope was lost, Matt came up with a brilliant idea: he immediately called the waitress over and asked that a pitcher of water be sent to the two "sexy ladies." After stifling a laugh, the waitress walked away shaking her head in shame and/or disgust. "Did you see that?" Matt shouted angrily. "That's it, no tip for her!" he said in true Soup Nazi form.

In one last attempt at saving the day, Guípe made eye contact with the Restaurant Singer Person who walks around the dining area playing music for the customers. After using his powers of mind control to force her to come over to their table, Guípe and Matt convinced her to play a song for the two girls. Realizing that there was a huge tip in it for her, Restaurant Singer Person headed for the girls' table, pointed to us, and began to sing. A look of sheer and utter terror came over the faces of the Señoritas as they nervously glanced over at us. Matt broke into a nervous sweat and hid his face behind his hands while I offered a cheesy grin to the girls. Immediately following the song, the girls bolted, running for dear life.

"Dammit!" Guípe shouted. "Not again!" Realizing that they had been defeated, Matt and Guípe paid their bill and walked solemnly back to the parking garage to get their car.

"Why didn't it work?" Matt whined as he pushed the button to the garage elevator. "Now we'll never see them again. Not in a million years."

"I know, I know," Guípe said as the elevator opened, only to reveal two very embarrassed girls who had apparently forgotten something in their mad dash from the restaurant. As they scurried by the two without making eye contact, Matt and Guípe erupted in maniacal laughter. Yes, another awkward situation created, and another young mind warped by everyone's favorite humorist, El Señor Guípe.

Guípe's Final Thought

So, what have we learned today? We've learned that chivalry is, in fact, dead. We've learned that the ever-popular Looney Toons tie does not double as a "chick magnet." Most importantly, we've learned that the bar at Papa Chulo's does indeed validate parking - but only if you remember to ask. 

El Señor Guípe and his compadre, el Rojo Grande, would like to extend their sincere gratitude to those two snobby girls, wherever they may be, for acting as the inspiration for this week's column. Should any nice girls wish to undo the psychological damage of our two heroes, feel free: dguipe@umich.edu

*Note to SAPAC: Metaphorically speaking, of course.